LilyBlizz's Art Collection 3

[Rant: read if you want] I don't know what to do anymore.

(Read this is you want to hear me ramble. Just a warning for those who hate these posts.)

Okay, I don't know how to write this out, but I'll just cut straight to the point. [And no, I'm not asking for attention.]

I think I'll just draw at my own pace and post whenever I want to post[or never post again who knows] rather than force myself to even when I don't have time.

I am more than discouraged to try and do anything to talk or work with you guys as well as posting art online. No, I actually don't care about how many favorites or views are gained on my art[though it is nice and I appreaciate it a lot], but I do care about trying to interact with people online whenever it feels necessary since I'm always that one antisocial person who doesn't know how to talk to anyone, haha. But it's like when I do ask questions about anything I would love to get opinions or votes etc. I never get answers and this goes for live streams also... 99% of the time I have no one there to view a live stream, participate in art trades for fun, etc, which is cool-- your choice to do that-- but it is a little bit discouraging to me to continue with any of these things since I already know what the results are before I post stuff like this: no one will answer me or pretty much participate in things like art trades or OC interactions[beware, I suck at those]. I am more than happy to draw for people, yet I just don't feel like I should be doing it since most people just take it for granted and nothing else.

This is probably just my anxiety, depression and stress just mix up in my brain and typing this up who knows, but I feel like I won't be commenting or favoriting anything anymore on here(my comment and favorite counts have decreased immensely which is why you probably don't see me in your feed as much anymore x'D) and I may probably also leave all RP groups I am in because not many people talk to me in these groups probably because I don't mix in nor can I mix in with them. My reason on here will only to share art and nothing else. This also means my art submission count will drop even lower than it has now and can take up to several months to post. Heck, I can even drop art at any moment because of the amount of discourage I feel online and in real life. I have a mom and relatives who's constantly telling me I'm a failure and that art will only make me fall further so I should stop drawing and that's really not helping me in any way. The only person who tries to encourage me to draw is my brother and that's pretty much it while everyone else at home keeps bashing on me on how "lazy" I am when I'm really studying more than anything else. I don't even have free time to salvage and relax because of school and work all day long. Yeah, I'm a complete failure. I've already accepted that a long time ago, lol.

So what's on my mind right now is:
1. I want to drop out of every RP group I'm in at the moment but at the same time I don't despite being so inactive and quiet.
2. I want to draw but I don't at the same time.
3. Studying[and working to earn money] is important, but then I won't have any free time to draw or play games(if I even tried then I can only draw and play games at 3AM and wake up at 6AM for the next day.)
4. I want to work more on my characters' art and their profiles but I have to study to pass and again I lack the time for that.
5. I want to stop offering art trades, collabs whether it is open or private, and commissions at the same time I do not.
6. I want to draw little gifts for my followers and all, but at the same time I don't. At all.
7. I want to draw for myself at the same time I don't sadly.
8. I don't know what I want to do anymore. My mom continuously reminds me everyday just how stupidly lazy I am and how art is just completely useless and a time waster.

Even if I don't post here, everything will be posted on toyhou.se cause that's a memory bank for me. It doesn't matter if people don't look there cause my characters, my info, my use.

I'm not even thinking straight anymore and I need sleep. Sleeping about an hour a day isn't the greatest idea especially for someone as weak as I am, pft. Anyways, enough about me rambling about what's lingering in my head, but have a nice day and uh yeah.. I might suddenly disappear again and who knows when I'll come back. Maybe soon maybe never. -shrug- Lots of love from Izzy~ <3

P.S. Jolly happy little ol' me who doesn't curse is just me holding back every single little amount of stress I have to make everyone comfortable around me. I am a really depressing piece of shit. No worries I only curse at myself and no one else though others sure love cursing and picking on me for the hell of it. I'll just shut the fuck up now and go to hell.