Suicide.

Thoughts.

You know when you're sad, but you don't want to be sad any longer, and a sad song comes on, you turn the sad song off. To stop making you sad, but that's the thing. You cant run from yourself, you cant turn yourself off, there is no running from the noise in your head.

I mean fuck, my body is 70% water, and my mind is drowning in it.

But the thing about abuse, is the fear. I pull off this appearance that I'm the toughest girl ever, and nothing scares me, but it does. Someone touching me, even putting their hand on my shoulder, bumping into me, anything, terrifies me, because you'll never know scared until you're 5 years old, and having to know what to do when your father got drunk again, locking yourself in a closet, knowing the number of the police department before you could actually count in its self. The memories of running, sprinting out the house with my mom and my brother on my arm, down the street from someone who was supposed to love me, and never hurt me. When you have a child, you love, and respect that child, but i never got that. Some memories never fade, they never go away, and no matter how hard you scrub yourself, you'll never be clean, you'll never be pure from violence, from abuse, ever again.