A New Light

So its been a week since that awful incident at Escala with Christian. I can't believe that I asked him to show me how bad it could be. I just never realized that it would be that bad! I know now that I can't be with someone that enjoys hurting others that much but I over the past week I've come to realize that I spoke no truer words to him than when I told him that I loved him. He's contacted me a few times, sending flowers my first day of work, he's sent me emails (I deleted them without reading them, my heart just wouldn't let me look to see what he said), he even sent Taylor over one day with food! UGH he can be so exacerbating. I am doing my best to ignore him so that my heart can heal. It's so new and fresh, this pain that I feel, but as long as I can keep occupied I think that I'll be able to put Christian Grey behind me. I know you always remember your first love and I do want to remember parts of us. Like Georgia and soaring with him. But the hurt and self preservation win right now. So I have made the decision not to think about him - as much as that's possible.

I started my new job at SIP which I love! Not only am I doing what I wanted to do with my career and learning a lot to be able to further my aspirations of actually being an editor/writer one day but from 8 am to 6 pm Monday through Friday I actually have a reason NOT to think of Christian Grey! My boss Jack Hyde has been really patient with me and has been showing me the ropes of the editing process, even if I think that he might be a little creepy and overly friendly on occasion. But I can deal with that, I will continue to do my job well and prove that he wasn't wrong in hiring me straight out of college with no real work experience other than Clayton's Hardware.

Kate is due back from Barbados tonight. She sent me a text asking if I could pick her up from the airport as Elliot, her boyfriend and Christian's brother, had to take an earlier flight home. I'm so happy that she is coming home. I've needed Kate more this past week than I can remember. My best friend is fiercely loyal and protective of me but I just needed to talk to her. I haven't talked to her yet about me and Christian. It's hard because of that damn NDA is signed and well with her dating Elliot I don't want to cause her any problems with her relationship. And I know her cutting off Christian's balls and serving them to him on a silver platter would seriously piss Elliot off! But I also know that I will have to deal with the Katherine Kavanaugh Inquisition soon and I'm gonna have to be prepared.

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I'm at the airport patiently awaiting Kate's arrival. She should be off loading from the plane heading here to baggage claim. She comes around the corner and I when I see her for some reason I am instantly jealous. Kate looks like a strawberry blonde version of Barbi. Tall, curves in all the right places, stylish and after 2 weeks in Barbados extremely tan. But what I am most jealous about isn't her looks or her money, its her confidence. She knows that she is smart and gorgeous and she has the ability to figure just about anything out be the outcome good or bad. She tenacious, knows what she wants and goes after it with everything she has. I would like to have just an iota of that strength. But then again I have her as my best friend and I have always been able to lean on her for some of that strength if I needed to. Aw hell, she's spotted me and her eyes have narrowed... Guess its time to deal with the Katerine Kavanaugh Inquisition now. I kinda wanted to at least get home before it hit!

"Steele!" Kate gets to me and throws her arms around my shoulders giving me a hug.

"Hey, Kate! How was your trip?" Returning her hug.

"Sex and sun! Wonderful. But we can talk about that later. I have to say Ana, you look like hell!" Kate observes as she steps back and looks me up and down. She can't see much, I'm in a pair of jeans and a hoodie. I didn't want her to notice that I've lost a good ten pounds or so. Which I don't think that I really could afford to loose but every time I even try to eat anything more than a yogurt or a banana my stomach turns like I'm gonna be sick.

"Let's go get your luggage Kate." Giving me what would be considered and evil eye she agrees.

"Fine, but Ana I want to know why you look like hell ran over you. Has Mr. Moneybags done something? How is he anyway?"

"You look great by the way, the tropical climate really agrees with you." I say trying to deflect her questions. I really don't want to talk about Christian. I know I will have to give her something but right now I just can't, not here.

"Thanks. We had an amazing vacation. You and I are gonna have to do a girl's trip or something get you some sun too. But that doesn't answer my questions, Steele. What's going on? Everything ok with you and moneybags?" She asks as she grabs her fourth and final bag and starts heading for the parking garage.

"Kate, can we just talk about it later. Not now, maybe when we get home?"

"Sure, Steele, sure. But before bed tonight you will talk to me. I'm worried. I've never seen you look this bad. You've lost weight and your face is all blotchy, like you've been crying."

The drive home was quiet. I had 25 minutes to figure out what I was gonna say to her so that she doesn't go all murderous on me. I can't tell her what he did. I can't tell her I asked him to. I can't tell her what he's really like. That he likes and gets off on hurting the person that he's with. I should have known. He warned me. He said that I should stay away. I just couldn't. It was like I needed him. I needed to feel like I was as beautiful in real life as he made me feel. I was drawn to him like no one else. He made my body feel things that I never imagined and he made me feel like he thought I was the most beautiful, captivating woman that he'd ever met. I know it was wishful thinking on my part but that's how I felt. Well, outside of the Red Room of Pain anyway.

Once we got home to the apartment I helped Kate with her bags and she went straight to the fidge and pulled out a bottle of wine, poured two glasses handed me one and sat on the couch, "Spill Steele. Tell me what's going on. Why do you look like hell?"

I took a sip of my wine, set the glass on the coffee table and just looked at her wondering what I'm gonna say. Sitting next to my best friend with my heart breaking and not being able to tell her the truth was more than I could handle and I just broke down in tears. Crying hard Kate just wrapped her arms around me and held me like I was a baby knowing that I just needed to be soothed at that moment. All she could say is "Oh honey, everythings going to be ok." Rubbing my back as I cried. It was almost cathartic this letting loose with someone that really knows me. Someone that loves me someone that cares about me and how I'm feeling.

Finally, after my hysterical crying ebbed I just looked at her and said that Christian and I broke up. That we won't be seeing each other anymore and that I really didn't want to discuss the why's about it. Just that we couldn't make it work.

"That's bullshit Steele. You cared about that man, probably more than you realize. I mean I don't know why, but you did. Now tell me what happened."

"Kate, really I don't want to discuss this all night. I just knew that it wasn't going to work. We come from different worlds. We're in different places in our lives. It just wasn't going to work so I ended it. End of story. Let's leave it at that. I'm going to head to bed. I'll see you in the morning."

Kate just looked at me opened mouth and nodded, "Ok in the morning Steele. Get some rest. We'll do something fun tomorrow, just you and I something to get your mind off of moneybags, Ok?"

"Ok Kate, good night."

I went into my bedroom, got ready for bed knowing sleep wouldn't come. The only time I couldn't stop my mind from thinking about Christian was as I was laying in bed trying to sleep. Remembering his eyes, his smiles, seeing him in my dreams. Yeah, sleep wasn't going to come anytime soon and when it did I could guarantee that I knew what I would be dreaming about.