W I N G S

· Failure ·

"Okay, kid. Let's get this over with, shall we?"

Kookie nodded, determined to find out everything there was to know and to do everything he could to help his hyung. He watched him trying to find his words and hesitating a bit. He nodded reassuringly and Yoongi took a deep breath and started talking.

"The first thing you should know is that things weren't always shitty. When I was a kid, I actually loved my life. Playing with my cousins, playing the piano, happy family dinners and all that sappy stuff. It was nice back then. I also found out I liked to make up stories about pretty much anything. I couldn't write since I was still just a small child, but I had my imagination anyway."

"That sounds really nice," Kookie said, trying to picture a small Yoongi telling stories and playing a piano which was too big for him. He smiled a bit at the thought.

"Yeah, it was. Everything fell apart soon enough though. Right after I started going to school. It was okay for a while, I mean it was just elementary school, not that hard, right? Wrong. I couldn't focus at all and I couldn't understand a thing. I didn't really care about what the teachers said so I guess that's why. I mean, when I started learning how to play the piano or how to write I was genuinely interested. I loved the piano and I loved creating stories, I loved the thought that I could write them down and some day even publish them. I was a kid who had big stupid dreams," he laughed bitterly. "However, after I learned what I thought I needed, I didn't care about anything else and my grades were really bad. I could barely keep myself on the edge. I don't even know how I managed to pass every grade without being held back. My parents were quite disappointed. That's when the fights started. They told me to be like my brother, they said his grades were perfect and that's how mine were supposed to be too. Middle school was hell. Literally. The kids can be pretty mean if you're the quiet kid. Especially if they saw you writing in a notebook every fucking time. I was bullied for a while. I was mad, I wanted to punch them, but I thought I would just disappoint my parents even more and I let it slide. They didn't beat me or anything, they just said stuff. I thought there was nothing I couldn't handle so I just ignored it, I let them say whatever they wanted."

"But words hurt more than punches."

"Damn right. Everything went straight to my head and never left. I guess that was one of my biggest mistakes. That and ignoring everything else about school. I kinda envied my brother for a while. He was fucking perfect, I don't know how he did it but he was the best in his grade every year, good at sports, had a great social life and a family life, everything was great for him. Meanwhile, I was his shadow. 'You should be more like your brother, Yoongi. You should be perfect too, Yoongi.' It was annoying and tiring. I did try, though. I failed miserably, but at least I tried."

"But you didn't fail," Kookie whispered.

"Of course I did, kid. I didn't do anything with my life. My job is shit because even though I get to play the piano the kids and their parents suck. It's poorly paid too, I can barely pay my rent. Writing didn't get me anywhere either. Maybe I should have done something different, like a fucking college and get a real job. The worst thing is that, when I told my parents I'll leave for Seoul, the only thing they said was 'don't come back here after you fail'. They never called, not even once. Maybe they were right, though. They told me I'll fail ever since I was a kid. Maybe they knew this was what I was going to be. A failure."

Yoongi took a deep drag from his cigarette, closing his eyes to hide his forming tears. He let his head hit the wall and let the smoke fly in front of his face. The younger stared at him in disbelief. He was his favorite hyung, the coolest among all, he was the one he looked up to. Seeing him desperately trying to keep himself from falling apart broke his heart. He didn't know what to say. He had so many things he wanted to tell him, but his words were caught in his throat and nothing came out.

After a few minutes of staying in silence, Yoongi cleared his throat and spoke again.

"Anyway. The thing is, after my parents saw I wasn't able to raise up to their expectations, the abuse started. I had to wear make-up to cover my bruises for fuck's sake. Fucking make-up! Ugh. No matter what I did, it wasn't enough. I was a failure and my brother was perfect. I never hated him though. How could I? It wasn't his fault that our parents were absolute idiots. I actually looked up to him. I wanted to be like him and seeing how that would never happen kinda fucked me up. I started to write more, even during classes, which, of course, made me even more of a failure because I didn't pay attention and didn't understand a thing. My teachers were mad and called my parents, which led to even more beatings. It was a vicious circle. I got tired of it and I spent my nights in the forest. It was right near my house and I figured sneaking out and writing near a tree would be helpful. And it was. I was sleep deprived, but at least I was sane so it was okay. I would go out, write my thoughts, rip the page and burn it. Fire always helped me calm down. This is why I'm always playing with my lighter. Seeing my darkest thoughts turn into ashes was strangely comforting, it felt like they were leaving my mind too and I could actually breathe without my mind suffocating me. But it didn't last long. Why would something good last? Something happened after a while and I – "

His voice cracked with a sob and the tears started falling. Kookie watched him with wide eyes, not able to react right away. The coolest and coldest person he has ever met was falling apart right in front of him. He snapped out of his thoughts and pulled the older into a hug. Or at least he tried to. As soon as Yoongi felt hands on his body he got up quickly and almost fell off the balcony. He looked terrified.

"I – I'm sorry, I just wanted to comfort you," Kookie whispered.

When he realized what happened, Yoongi slowly sat down again, but he didn't get close to the younger. He rested his back against the railing and tried to even his breath.

"It's not your fault, kid," he said avoiding eye contact. "I'm not used to being touched, especially out of nowhere. It startled me. The kind of touch I'm used to is, well... Let's just say it's not the good kind. My body just reacts on its own even if I know who is touching me. That's why I avoid skinship."

"It's okay, I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable," Kookie smiled gently. "Go on, I get you have something more to say, I'm listening."

"I don't want to talk about it, kid," he said with a shaky voice. "I'm not ready, I can't. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, I understand, it's okay. Um... Can I hug you? I mean, maybe if it's not sudden and all it will actually help, I don't know, I just want to help you and – "

"Sure," the elder whispered.

Kookie's eyes widened, staring at Yoongi as he got closer. He watched him take a deep, shaky breath and nodded. The younger didn't lose any more time and slowly wrapped his arms around the other's smaller frame. He felt him tense at first, holding his breath, then let himself relax and buried his head in Kookie's chest. When the younger started to stroke his back with little motions, everything came crashing down. His walls crumbled within seconds. Kookie held him tighter, struggling to keep his own tears from falling. His favorite hyung was falling apart right there in his arms and he didn't know how to feel. He had mixed emotions. He felt good knowing his hyung trusted him enough to let himself be vulnerable in front of him, but he also wanted to cry, scream, even, as he felt every single sob through his whole body.

"Why are we all so broken...?"