My heart technically, scientifically and theoretically has nothing to do with my emotions, at all and neither does yours. This doesn't explain why I'm always sad, depressed, lonely, afraid, etc. When people send hearts to people and say that they love them with all of their heart, that doesn't really make sense because you don't think with your heart, therefore you love them with all of your brain, right? True love for me only clicked once, and I ruined it because I tried to reprogram myself, make myself think differently and try to remodel, shape and fix myself of my sins, but really I don't have any sins and people say that I have all these problems, it's better to listen to the voice in your head rather than the thoughts of your councilor or the insults of your fellow comrades.
My first and probably only first experience of true love was with this person, they have blue eyes that rest between dark and light, their hair is brown and looks very 'fluffy', their face was a masterpiece of perfection and their personality was one you could only wish to one soul for eternity, locked, secured and signed; he was all mine. We would 'Facetime', call, text, 'Snapchat', and tell each other we wanted to go home, home being in the arms of each other. We were both lonely, sad and afraid all the time; afraid of being ourselves, afraid of our families not accepting us, afraid that our lives would never be as we dreamed when we were little kids because were different than what society was expecting us to be. I made a wrong turn, move, judgement or other known as thought, I decided that it would be a good idea to deny myself and ignore my lover and if I could take that day and burn it, erase it or just make it nonexistent I would totally do that because I regret it, my heart aches from it and I feel like I'm dead inside, just a walking corpse awaiting my day to be laid in the ground with a stone marking symbolism for my body.
I would like to elaborate more on his eyes, they're are blue like the sunset resting on the shore of an ocean, it's like someone took a crayon and drew perfectly blue into their retina, a bowl of whipped cream with blue food dye, slowly bring mixed to fill in all the white can describe it too. I would stare into them and it was almost like they were splashing, hope would drip into my system and I didn't feel alone anymore knowing they I had someone to keep me company.
If I could take a quiz on 'him', I would get a 100% without a doubt because all I did was ask him questions regarding himself. He wants to go to a university either in Seattle or his home state and become a pilot for Alaskan Airlines, I'm very fascinated by this, because that would mean he would always be traveling, seeing new things, places, cultures and people; I loved it. He would ask me question that would make me smile so big, you could see me dimples, a mustache hair or the brackets of my braces. His lips would move and words sputtered out like magic, catching me in an unbreakable spell, one without a cure, I'm love sick. I would study him day in and out like he were a book, I would read word for word, summarize the chapters and neatly write that information down in my mind. If he was sad, I would be depressed, if he was happy, I was be flipping for treats. The way he treated me made me feel like I wasn't just another ordinary person, he made me feel like I was someone spectacular, As if I were totally rare, and unpredictable. My mind would always wonder what he was going to say next, what wasn't he going to do or how thoughtful the question was going to be. The rusty gears were now always moving, I miss that feeling, I miss him and I would do anything to have him back, oof.
Words are more powerful than actions, let me tell you why exactly. When you compliment someone, flirt with someone or tell someone they are absolutely flawless and they're everything that your 'heart' desires, they're going to love you, depending on if you treat them like that periodically. His words would hit me like a bullet to the chest, my face would flush and my mind would shutdown, would go numb and it felt like I was floating in the sit, weightless and aimless, I was in love, I am in love. I think about him everyday, I hear songs we called our songs and it kills me that I can't tell him my feelings anymore, because I told him "I want a girlfriend" I take back those words because I'm no longer happy, I don't want that, all I want, all I need is him and I can't stop crying over him, it hurts. His face is a masterpiece, it's photographed into my brain and all I can see is him, here, there and everywhere. There's a filter between my eyes and the real world, I look at society and everyone seems ordinary, but then I see him on a circular rock of 8 billion people and my heart freezes, bees buzz inside of my chest and within seconds they go exploding out and I smile, something I don't regular do, I love him, yes I know it's gay but I don't care, just like man and wife; you're straight, but him and I are male and male; gay. It's a title that I'm proud to have, it's very scary to be gay in this day and age, but I am.
Follow me for some more of my imagination, and if 'he' is reading this; thanks Captain' ❤️🏳️🌈✈️🛫
HK
