Tips from "Professionals"
(Enter Jo Hover)
Jo: Good morning America and welcome to our show: Good to know how! Today we will be getting tips from (runs behind them and does finger quotes) "Professional". Please welcome to the studio Dr. Gray the therapist (Enter), Jim the forest ranger (Enter), Mrs. Johnsen the mom, Skip the trainer (Enter), and Merd the scientist (Enter, all sit down). Let's begin with (Jim stands up and starts to walk up confidently) Mrs. Johnsen. (Johnsen pulls Jim back into his seat and walks to the front.) What is your tip for mothers Mrs. Johnsen?
Johnsen: Well, if your baby won't stop crying put in some ear plugs and lay them in their crib for three hours. They will instantly fall asleep and you will have some quiet time for yourself.
Jo: Thank you. And that leads us to our next tip from Jim. Jim what is your tip?
Jim: If you're out in forest and you find some cubs and then you see their mother a few yards away don't panic! Just pick up the cubs and run, the mother will enjoy the time alone and you will enjoy little cuddly teddy bears!
Jo: Thank you. I think that I now know what I want for Christmas. Alright then Dr. Gray what is your advice?
Gray: If you are feeling stressed or depressed eat as many sugary things as possible. Eating will help reduce the stress and make you feel much better.
Jo: Amazing! So you're saying that if I eat a ton of ice cream I won't be as stressed?
Gray: Yes! Ice cream is the best stress food!
Jo: Wow! I going shopping after this! Alright Skip you can skip on up here and give your advice.
Skip: Okay then! The best advice I give to people trying to lose weight is to drink as many raw eggs as possible.
Jo: Raw eggs? Won't that give you salmonella?
Skip: I don't believe in salmonella. In fact raw things are so good for you that you can skip breakfast if you pack in those raw meats at lunch! Just pack them in!
Jo: Thank you Skip! Now I know who not to hire if I want to lose weight. That leaves us Nerd!
Merd: Uh, it's Merd.
Jo: Mewd?
Merd: No, Merd.
Jo: Mud?
Merd: Merd!
Jo: Okay whatever! What is your advice?
Merd: (Walks over to table with a bowl filled with baking soda and some white vinegar and a spoon on it.) The proper use of chemicals. This chemical is called Ryan.
Jo: Why Ryan?
Merd: I named it after one of my ex-boyfriends. I named after him because if you dump it like this (Dumps the vinegar in the bowl), it will explode. (Everyone gathers around the table to watch.) How you handle this is do not stir it like this (Stirs it).
Jo: Why? All it seems to be doing is fizzing.
Merd: That's what it looks like but really it's spreading poisonous gasses thru the air. So everyone who is in the studio currently you're dead men. Start writing your wills now.
Jo: Oh my goodness!
(Everyone looks scared and everyone except Jo, Jim, and Gray starts to pull out paper and starts to write. Jim faints and Gray wakes him up.)
Merd: Oh one more thing!
Jim: NO! No more!
Merd: But-.
Everyone: No!
Merd: It won't hurt you!
Jim: Fine! What is it!
Merd: Do not stick your hand in like this (puts hand in the bowl) or it will fall off. (Pulls out arm minus hand.) Any one up for taking to the hospital?
Johnsen (On the phone): Jessie, honey. Mommy's not coming home tonight.
Jim: Goodbye cruel world!
(Everyone freezes. Get in line and take a bow.)
The End
