Four and a Half Horsemen

III

           

Ah Jesus I mean god what's even going on anymore am i right? Jeez Louise, man. Things got really real really fast didn't they? I mean, wow. Anyway, so there i was, in handcuffs. Not for a kinky reason, you weirdo, for a police reason. Apparently the only good those security guards are worth is a pair of handcuffs and a bloated sense of self-worth. I didn't spit in their face though, that would be rude. I didn't call them dumb to their face either but oh boy was that tame compared to what I had been thinking. We were sitting in ornate chairs that lined the walls, watching the people dance and tapping our feet with nerves, her a little and me a lot, I mean I was tapping my feet so much I was practically drumming for Def Leppard. She and I, you know, the best of friends, little miss magick and me, we were in handcuffs three chairs apart. It was like the most awkward eighth grade dance of all time. But hey, it was a dance, you know? We tried to enjoy the party. There wasn't any punch although at a party like this maybe that was a good sign. The people around who were dancing seemed to be enjoying themselves pretty well, I mean, as much as I've ever seen a mildly rich person or people who are associated with a mildly rich person enjoy themselves, you know? I mean their whole entourage seems pretty chilled out to me a lot of the time, you know what I mean? Like, not necessarily Mr. Freeze chilled out, ya know, but maybe like a Frozone chilled out. Real cool like, you know, the type that drinks vodka only filtered through volcanic rock. Weird bunch, that should tell you that much. First of all, who even likes vodka? Nobody, duh.

            /beat me out of me/

            /don't fuck with me now man, i am Ahab/

            Alright. So let me let you in on a little secret. Just between you and me. Between friends, ya dig? It's a friendly secret. While Fergus went to go wait for our distraction, I got a little funky with that fresh beat, ya dig? I wasn't pulling any crazy moves but I was sort of shuffling my feet around and i was really feeling it, you know what I mean? Like when you go out to some dumb school function and don't feel like dancing but then they play /that one song/, and you look to your friends like, oh my god, it's about to get real, and then you shuffle a little and go sit down when the song's over? Yeah. Like that.

            Come to think of it, that's not a very relatable thing to say, let's just pretend I told you I was waiting to start the distraction, leaning against the wall all cool sort of, like James Bond or something, but not the Daniel Craig one, like, the Sean Connery one, you know what I mean? Real suave like and sort of sexist but except that I'm not really sexist or at least I really try hard not to be. Anyway, there I was, black tie tuxedo on, martini in hand, five o clock shadow in check, and she comes up to me and she's all like

            "Yo, dawg, we gotta distract these whites" and i was all like

            "Whoa, please stop,"

            That didn't really happen. I assume you've already caught that.

            I was dancing pretty much like a fool, you know, kind of like somebody that's had a bit to drink even though I don't really drink since legally I'm not allowed to unless my parent gives it to me and it was pretty unlikely that they flew from Jersey to upstate New York to give me some fancy champagne. Anyway, I was dancing like a fool, as I've just described. Clementine came up to me and sort of scared me when she started talking but I didn't really mention that to her in case she thought I was trying to joke around about this whole scene, since the scene in question was pretty tense, like, funeral tense, except nobody's dead

            /so you think/

            "Alright," Clementine said. I think Clem is an alright nickname for a Clementine, do you agree? I didn't ask her but man saying Clementine over and over is getting kind of old. I'll just call her Clem from now on you know who I mean. Anyway, Clem continued, "here's what I'm thinking. I can create a spirit cat that crawls through the whole crowd that's magically imbued with the ability to steal the attention of everyone who looks at it for a whole two minutes. Do you think that's enough time for Fergus to get what needs to be done done?"