∆//MY VENTING BOOK\\∆

°°°

So, thinking about my life now, I have noticed that I have an okay-ish life... Even though my parents split up when I was 9, turning 10. That happened about 4-5 years ago... I was really stressed at the time and broke out in hives a few months after the moved away from each other.
I wanted to live with my dad because, I thought Delano Middle School was going to be the best place ever !! I was very wrong...
I was diagnosed with depression, social anxiety, and ADD. I had suicidal thoughts for a long time, I wouldn't talk to teachers, I wouldn't do my homework, I wouldn't eat school lunches, and I wouldn't ask for help from the teacher when I really needed it. I just wasn't in the best place and that time... I hated 5th and 6th grade !!
I didn't want to be alive anymore, I wanted to run away from everything and everyone. I wasn't happy anymore, I didn't smile or talk as much as I used to... I started to hide in my room until dinner then I would go back to my room and think. Think about why I didn't stay with my mom... Stay with someone who really loved me, who wouldn't yell at me if my grades became low... Who would come to help me with my math or any other homework I had...
I now realize how much my mom loved me and wants to help me.
I am now in 8th grade and I STILL have suicidal thoughts and I still regret that I am not with my mom. I cover up all of my suffering with dumb shows like, Rick and Morty, One Punch Man, JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, Dragon Ball Z Kai/Dragon Ball Super, and Supernatural... I still hide in my room because, I don't want to see or talk to anyone. I hate having to talk to people.
I also have these thoughts that deal with hurting people... These thoughts are not good thoughts... They are mostly about killing people. When I think about it, I either flinch or stab my fingernails into the palm or my hand to stop myself from hurting anybody or doing something I would regret.
I wish I was... NORMAL.
I don't like having Depression, Social Anxiety, and ADD. I hate it so MUCH.
I Hate being told by my dad that I should " be more like him ". I can't just out of nowhere be outgoing and worry free !
I have social anxiety. He doesn't.
He doesn't know how hard it is just for me to say Hi to a teacher without wanting to stutter. I want to be polite​ because I'm not a mean person.
I was raised more by my mom. I was thought how to be polite and use my manners. There is no way I could be mean to a teacher.
I am also a really sensitive person. When I get yelled at, I start to tear up INSTANTLY. Once I start to tear up, there's no stoping them. If I hear my stepmom talk about how lazy I am or how much I can't keep my grades up, I start to cry because she hurts my feelings constantly. I hate being so oversensitive.
I'm clumsy too. I tend to numb into things and people.
I also notice how people around me are so fake. One moment they are super nice to you !! The next moment they are talking behind your back.
I trust no one. Not my friends or family. I can't trust people.
I guess I'm just venting.
Yeah... That's what I'm doing. Oh well. I don't care at this point.
I'm just gonna end this here.
....................
I give up on this. I'mma make this into a venting book lol.