Thought Journal

I'm Not Ok

Does anyone else feel nothing? I can't tell weather I'm crying or it's just my allergies. I don't know if what I'm feeling is sadness anymore. I feel so numb and it scares me.

I just feel nothing and when I feel this way there's no telling what I might be tempted to do. I've felt like this before and each time I go through these episodes time and time again my mental health gets worse and worse.

The thing is, no one ever sees it. No one sees me slipping away. No one sees me on the verge of tears, or when I don't eat, or when I zone out of conversation. No one should waste their time on my anyway, no point in wasting time on my caring. If I don't see a point why should anyone else.

I wake up with tears in my eyes. Do I hate the thought of going through life that much? I feel like I have no one to talk to ever since my therapist lost her job at the company she used to work at. She listened and helped me, and now I feel abandoned all over again.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to give up but I can't bring myself to do that because I'm afraid. Pathetic right? It's not that I'm optimistic about my future or I think things will get better, cause I'm tired of trying to convince myself of those lies, I'm afraid giving up and dying.

The only thing keeping me here is fear. No matter how much I deny it and want to believe it's all a lie, if I die there are people who would grieve. Taking away my pain would add more pain to others that I believe don't deserve what pain they have already, I can't be the reason for more.

I don't think people understand that what I feel is real because I say how I feel in a joke form and laugh it off like it's nothing. When in reality I'm freaking out inside my head.

This is how I feel, this is me.