Ice Skating on Horseback

A Story in Which Nothing Makes Sense

Up in the Bacon Palace, high in the clouds, light coming from nailpolish was reflecting off of the ceiling like a cold slice of beef.

A magnificent broompan, with a peculiar pattern of trees carved into the jello, fell onto the ground. He was glued to the wall the night before.

He looked around with his nose. The randomly appearing snow rose from the ground and threw a pair of boots at him. 

"Ah, thank you," the broompan said. "This is why you make me so angry!"

The mighty broompan began to shoot rubber bands at the boots, but it was too late. The boots already left for the library to buy a dozen basketballs.

The incredibly annoying pen that lived in his hat flew out of the magnificent broompan's hair and gave him a hug.

"Oh, I missed you! I love you! Do you have any cheese?"

"Dejar de hablar Espanol!" The broompan cried. "I have a big problem already. Someone stole my sunglasses.

"Oh, yes!" the pen said. "I have them!" He held out a bag of mayonaisse.

"Okay, that takes care of that," the magnificent broompan said. "Now, we have a bigger problem. There is a vegetarian worm eating the Bacon Palace!"

The vegetarian worm popped out of the dry wall, which was made of bacon. "I am not a vegetarian, I am a vegan!"

"Quiet!" the broompan said. "When there is a vegetarian worm eating our bacon, where are we going to go to have lunch, today?"

"I know a place!" the pen cried. "It is a burger restaurant; they have the most excellent sushi!"

"I hate sushi," the mighty broompan said. After a slight pause, he said: "Let's go!"

They took a firetruck to the burger place, which was on Mars. The broompan and the pen climbed out of the truck, only to find that the burger place was being eaten by worms.

"Oh, no!" the broompan said. "Vegetarian worms are eating all the sushi!"

"We are not vegetarian!" the worms yelled with their mouths full. "We're vegan!"

"Oh, well," the pen said. "Let's go to the steakhouse. They have the best salads."

The steakhouse was built on the back of a unicorn. The unicorn was an airplane pilot, so it was very hard to eat there. Chairs and tables slid all over the place.

As the magnificent broompan and the incredibly annoying pen were trying to eat, they kept having to swat flies with their plates. Riding on the backs of the flies were the vegetarian worms.

"Aaaaagh!" the magnificent broompan groaned. "Where do these worms keep coming from? They are eating our house, and we haven't had anything for lunch!"

"What do you think we should do?" said the incredibly annoying pen.

"We must go to Jupiter," the broompan declared. "The planet where these dreaded worms came from!"

Jupiter was a very long ways away. They had to take three doughnut taxis to get there, because chickens on flying pigs kept eating them. When the magnificent broom pan and the incredibly annoying pen arrived, a giant tissue box sneezed boogers all over them.

"Aah," the pen sighed. "That was mighty refreshing."

"Well, that's just how things are on this planet," replied the broompan. They wiped the boogers on each other and they went off to find the leader of the vegetarian worms, in their outhouse hovering above the Great Red Spot.

"What are we doing here?!?" the incredibly annoying pen tried to yell over the howling wind.

"We are going to ask the leader of the vegetarian worms why they are eating everything!!" The magnificent broompan cried. They rode a trampoline biscuit up to the Grand Vegetarian Worm Outhouse. The king of Vegetarian Worms was sitting on a throne that he stole from the furniture tiger.

"Oh, great King of Vegetarian Worms!" the pen bowed before him.

"We are not vegetarian!" the King of Vegetarian Worms cried. "We are vegan!"

"Whatever," the magnificent broompan said. "We must know why your people are eating all our stuff! They are eating our precious bacon palace, and they have eaten our favorite restaraunts!"

"There is no mistake," the king said. "I have ordered them to wipe out all pizza, bacon, and steak. I love  those foods, but I am on a diet, and if I can't eat them, nobody can."

The broompan and the pen glanced at each other. This was very kind of the king to do. Pizza, bacon and steak, were very healthy foods* that tended to make people turn into gumball machines. But the magnificent broompan and the incredibly annoying pen both hated diets, and they needed to try and change the King of Vegetarian Worm's mind.

"Oh, please don't! We need all that healthy food!" the magnificent broompan pleaded.

"What would life be without it?" the incredibly annoying pen cried.

"Sorry," the king said. "But my mind is made up. No more pizza, bacon, or steak for the next three weeks, until my diet is over!"

"NOOOOOOO!!!!" the broompan and the pen sobbed. They couldn't let him do this to the universe! They needed to do something, but the poor old broompan couldn't think of anything.

Suddenly, a giant narwhal crashed through the ceiling and squished the King of Vegetarian Worms.

"Hello!" the narwhal said. "Sorry I'm late!"

"What? Wait, nevermind," the magnificent broompan said. He whispered to the pen: "It's just how things are on this planet."

"Oh, I just remembered," the narwhal reached into his pocket. "I have a letter delivery for.... M. Broompan."

"Um, I'm M. Broompan!" he said, taking the letter from the narwhal. He put on his reading glasses and opened the envelope, read the letter.

"What does it say?' the incredibly annoying pen said.

"It's a notification, from our landlord," the broompan said. "It says that the bacon palace was demolished."

"Oh, that's a relief," the pen said, wiping sweat off of his eyebrows. "Now we can put this whole problem behind us."

"Yeah," the magnificent broompan said. "We can just move in a popcorn castle. It'll be much nicer."

A week later, there was a narwhal infestation. But everyone was okay with that, because narwhals are adorable.