13 reasons why ; conler

; the tape with no recording

i woke up to rustling in the kitchen. 

as i walked out, i saw something i worried i may never see again: connor, rustling in the cabinets searching for his favourite coffee mug. i couldn't decide whether i was angry or relieved, but before i could decide i caught myself screaming at him.

"what are you doing here?" i shouted, "i told you i don't want you here. this is all your fault and i have no reason to forgive you. you ruined everything with your stupid fucking desire. you ruined this. you ruined me." with this i broke into tears. right there in front of him. and i hated myself for it. he stood there and watched, as i sat down at the island and covered my face with my hands. 

"leave" i begged

"just leave"

"tyler- hear me out. please" he responded, and i could hear he was really trying. i could hear the guilt in his voice, i just didn't want to accept it. 

-switched to connor's perspective"

he sat there, wiped his tears, and continued to stare at me with a blank expression as i begged him to let me talk. so, i continued.

"i'm not going to explain to you what happened. i know it doesn't matter, and i know it won't change anything. but you have to understand that it was a drunk mistake, something i barely have any memory of. the entire time it was happening, i couldn't get you out of my head"

he sniffled.

i kept going.

"you also need to understand that you are the most important and extraordinary thing i've ever known. that if i lose you, my whole world will go dark. you fill my brain with beautiful art, and paint all the empty spaces from never ending grey to bright, glowing concepts of the world around me. you make the bleak coffee shop down the road fill with sunshine and radiance just from your laughter. you paint a bluer sky than i could ever see before, you show me things in my head i could never see with my eyes. you make my brain an ethereal canvas, there for your words to fill up every inch with something unknown to anyone but you and me. our love has never been a romantic fantasy, something everyone would envy, but it's always been ours and that's always made it perfect"

i looked down at my shoes, and tried my best to keep the tears from slipping out of my eyes.

"it's only been a couple days, and i can already feel my world fading away. i can't live without you. you are my entire world, my whole universe, and no star in the sky could ever shine as bright as you do in my eyes. your voice is better than a million choirs, and i would trade every song and every book ever written to hear your morning voice asking what kind of coffee i want one more time. i would give up everything i have just to have you back. i can't keep existing without you. i need to fall back into your orbit, and i promise i'll never slip away again. i know what i did was terrible and i can't fix that with a few words, but i want to fix us. some tapes could never capture what i feel when i'm around you, the butterflies that are released in my stomach whenever you speak. i'm so deeply in love with you, it is unfathomable. please, just consider forgiving me. i love you always matthew tyler oakley, and i always, always will."

and with that, i walked out of the door. 

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hey guys! sorry for taking so long to update, i've been super busy and a lot has been going on. i hope you all enjoy this chapter, sorry it's a bit short. i'll be working hard to start updating regularly! i'm also going to be starting some new fanfics, so keep an eye out for those. byeeeee!