The next day I felt weak. Standing next to Mel felt strange, but so right. Her hair looks so perfect. Her eyes shine perfectly. She looks so perfect. It's confusing. I'm annoyed that this feeling happened just as they started dating. It sounds like I'm a home wrecker. Ever since I met her I wanted to be her best friend. I always want to be with her and when it's just us two I feel just right. I'm only 13 I shouldn't be feeling these things. And Rachel. I've known her since the first day of primary. And she's so wonderful as a friend but I just feel a connection with Mel that I've never had with anyone. Confusion is all I have. Straight up confusion. I think I might be bi. I've never thought about it in this much detail. I'm going into an empty spiral of weird feelings.
Cut to a few weeks later and Rachel is bursting with excitement. "We're going to Disney Florida!"
"Awesome!"
"Yeah, Cool" I want to sound optimistic but my eyes can't leave Mel. Today she has a beautiful ponytail, complete with her signature cat ear headband. She's the kind of beautiful where on first thought you'd think her quite ordinary, but you look again and notice the beauty in every detail of her face. I think I'm the only one who sees her this way but I'm glad because then her beauty is mine to treasure. Or Rachel's.
After a week of school, we come back to find Rachel gone off on her American adventure and I find myself alone with Mel in the morning. Obviously, I'm thrilled because I have two weeks of Mel. The days pass fairly normally: teachers, homework, annoying bullies, accept an entire family of butterflies permanently resides within my stomach. The questions return every day to haunt my every minute. How long will this go on for? When will I tell her? Will I tell her? Right now I just want to focus on being with Mel and the joy that I get from being with her. Jesus Christ, why am I thinking these thoughts when it's
L I T E R A L L Y impossible for this to ever be a thing. Doesn't it suck knowing that you're being ignored by the one person who's attention is your only life goal?
One particular night, I go to bed thinking about what would happen if they were to find out or I were to tell them. There is a 99% chance at the least that I will be pushed away from them forever, and all I'll have is my thoughts to keep me company.
