Monday mornings. Shit, right? Yeah, very. As per usual, I'm hanging with my best friends in our corner between the T-block and the bus bay. Our school is old and crumbling but we don't care. We stay there until registration chatting about fandoms and smut fanfics, sobbing over MCR, like very normal teenage girls.
"So, Jen,How would you feel if I said me and Melissa were together?" Rachel says. At first I think we're still joking but I see the looks on Mel's face and I don't know what's going on. "Umm. That's great! I'm super happy for you." I suddenly felt like Mel was slipping away from me.
"Cool!" Says Mel and her and Rue get straight back into their rant about Gerad Way's last tweet. The confusion's still washing over me and I can't quite put my finger on why I feel uneasy. We part eventually and I sit in form next to Prim. We're laughing and talking but I still can't shake this odd feeling.
The lessons drag on and on but I'm barely focusing. Does Rachel really love Mel? She can't, right? We're still kids, right? I know Mel's pansexual but I didn't know Rachel was bisexual or lesbian? Feelings and questions swirl around me like a hurricane of emotion. I can't decide why I'm not ok but I know I'm not. I know I'm not jealous but I'm not not jealous at the same time. I'm not homophobic but I still don't understand why I don't like this. What makes me so uncomfortable? Why does it make me so uncomfortable? Is it their age gap, even though they're only a year apart? Why can't I answer these questions?
Later that night I still can't sleep. I check the time again. 11:48pm. I decide I can't sleep and decide to check tumblr. I'm so bored that I begin to construct a post. I need to share with someone and I somehow decide to give a brief outline to my problem in a slightly pointless text post. I know no one's gonna see it but there is literally no one else I can tell. I don't know how to deal with this. I click post and keep scrolling. After a while, I come across an article. It takes me to Pinterest and I open it.
"How to deal with a crush"
I stop at that word. Crush. Could it be? I mean, I love Melissa but I didn't think in that way. I read the whole article. "Do you have feelings for someone that you can't control?" Yes? "Do you constantly want to be with and want to listen to them all the time?" Yes? "Are they dating someone else?" Yes! It's not right. It's ridiculous. It......it explains everything. Why I always want to talk to her. Why I feel so weird about her dating someone else.
I have a crush on Mel.
