Hidden Bruises (vhope)

17

I slowly blinked my eyes open. I looked around the room. It was dark. Soft snores were coming from taehyungs bed. It must be the middle of the night. I checked my phone, and as i thought, it was almost 2 am. I slowly sat up, careful not to make too much noise.

I looked around the room for something, anything i could use to hurt myself. I had the urge to cut, and it was so intense after not being able to in the hospital. But, there was nothing. Not even a pair of shitty safety scissors in sight. Taehyung must have gotten rid of everything. I sighed.

I guess i'll have to get creative. I slowly creaked open the bedroom door, and tiptoed out of the room. I went downstairs to where the kitchen was. All of the knifes were gone, hidden probably. I guess i'll have to get REALLY creative. I walked to the main bathroom, across the hall and behind the stairs.

I thought of smashing the mirror and using the shards. But it would make too much noise. I scratched at my arm wanting to feel any kind of pain. The wound wasn't fully closed yet, and i winced as my nails touched the torn flesh. I really needed something now. I was getting desperate. I guess this is why people call self harm an addiction.

I went to the office room, were tae's mom does all her work. I hadn't been in there much, but i knew i would find something in here. I scavenged through the cluttered desk and drawers, and found something. A pack of tacks and pins.

It was small, and since it was an office supply, the blade ( if you can even call it that) was not very sharp. But it would have to do. I pressed the small tack against the back of my wrist. The underside was to damages already, i needed fresh skin. I dragged it along, but nothing happened. I needed to press harder.

Let me tell you, pressing a thumbtack that hard into your skin, then slicing it open with it felt terrible. Terrible in all the right ways. There was much less blood then what i was used to seeing, i didn't feel the need to clean it in anyway. Pushing down my sleeve, i felt the cut start stinging. The sting after the initial pain was the best part.   If i wanted to cut before class, if i mare it deep enough the sting could last the whole hour. The familiar burning sensation calmed me down. I didn't need to cut anymore, the deed was done. I was satisfied. I grabbed a handful of the tacks and shoved them down my pocket then put everything back where it was before. Then my stomach gurgled.

I hadn't eaten since i got home. Not at all today actually. I went back to the kitchen. Everyone's rooms where upstairs, so i had no worries about noise when i opened the fridge. The light from the fridge was the only thing illuminating the dark room, until someone flipped on the lights.

I quickly turned around with a sharp breath, it was taehyung

" god, you scared me tae tae" i said. It wasn't a lie, i was scared. How long had he been awake?

" why are you up?" he asked. He had a worried tone to his voice. I rubbed my eyes, trying to adjust to the bright lights.

" i was getting a snack. What are you doing?" i was worried if he heard me get up or leave.

" i... Had a nightmare. I woke up and i saw that you weren't in your bed... And i... Got scared". It was then that i saw the dried tears on his cheeks, and his puffy red eyes. I closed the fridge.

" taehyung" i said. I walked over to him. " where you crying?"

" i guess i cant lie about it.... The nightmare.. It was about.. You" he said slowly. He sniffled.

" me?" i asked. I felt bad. I caused him so much pain, and all i could think about was myself. Sitting alone in the hospital all i could think of was how no one cared about me. How i didn't deserve this, seeing taehyumg in this state changed my mind. I did deserve it. How did i not realise sooner.

" i dreamt that... You didnt make a suicide attempt". He paused, and took in a deep, shakey breath. " i dreamt that you... Actually committed suicide". A tear dripped down his cheek. " just thinking of it... I couldn't handle if you were gone hoseok".

I looked down. I ruined this boys life. I ruined it. I should have never met taehyung, but i cant leave now. I want to help him, but i would probably just fuck him up more.

"Hoseok..." he said slowly. I looked back at him. Tears dripping down his, face, Sniffing, and wiping at his cheeks. " i... I love you"

My eyes widened. He... Loves me? Like.. Love loves me?

" tae.." i said softly. " you... You don't mean that. How could you love me? How could anyone? I've ruined your life... No one should love me for that" i said.

" hoseok.. You did not"

" but i did. Before you met me you probably would never have to think about this stuff. You wouldnt have been worried about my parents abuse, or my moms death, or my self harm. If i never existed you would have such a better life. A life where you do t have to worry about their best friend killing themselves!" i said. I let everything spill out. I couldn't hold back anymore. Taehyung cant love me... He cant.

" hoseok" he said. His tears slowed down. He placed his hands on my shoulders, and looked me in the eyes. " that's a load of bullshit and you know it" i sniffed, feeling tears well up in my eyes. " sure, if i never met you i wouldn't have to think about abuse, or be worried about self harm or anything. But also, if we never met i wouldn't get to experience all of the fun times we've had together. I fell in love with you hoseok!! Why cant you understand that! I fucking love you."

I couldn't stop the teats that rolled down my fave after that., but beforehand i could say anything, taehyung wrapped his hands around my neck, and pulled me into his lips. They were warm and soft. I felt tae gently place a hand on my cheek. As he slowly drifted away from my lips again, i stared in disbelief. This was the second time we kissed. Actually, the second time taehyung kissed me.

My hearts swirled, i didn't know this feeling, but it felt good. It felt better than anything i had ever felt before. And taehyung was the cause of it. He slowly took his hands from my face.

" thats 2 now" he said softly. " how many more times until you understand that i truly care about you?". I rested my facial expression. I couldn't say anything. I was stunned. " i'll see you im the morning hoseok".

And with that he walked away. I wanted to run back to him. To grab his arm and pull him back, but i didn't. I just stood in the kitchen, replaying everything that happened in my mind. I slid down to sit against the wall.

" holy fuck" i said to myself. I touched my lips where taehyungs met mine. It felt so right with him. It felt so amazing, like it was everything i was looking for.

But i still couldn't go back to him. I was scared, nervous, worried. Was this ..love. Did me and taehyung... Fall in love?

Amongst all of the confusion there was one thing i knew for sure. If it was true, and i really did love taehyung, i didn't deserve him. I didn't deserve anything, but i still wanted him.