The reasoning behind the title of this chapter is two-fold. First of all, it alludes to the big revelation made in this chapter about Mr. and Mrs. Green's former relationship. You could interpret the "wandering" in two different lights there, I suppose- physically and emotionally. Secondly, it's an allusion to the song, having to do with Rachel having "wandered" away from Ross but having never actually been lost and in fact needed that time to come full circle and find herself back with him.
Dealing with something more mechanical, someone e-mailed me and asked what the difference between the implications of "..." and "-" were when it came to someone's vernacular. The "..." tend to denote a suspended pause, usually allotting time for thinking or trailing off. Meanwhile, the "-" (dash) illustrates a hesitance or stuttering over the word, usually in moments of seriousness or intensity. Hope that clears things up, if it wasn't already obvious.
Please note the R rating.
"Rachel!" Amy called out at an earsplitting decibel. "Pick up! It's mom!"
Rachel wrapped a towel around herself, quickly shook out her damp hair and raced barefoot across the carpeted hallway into her bedroom. She eagerly picked up the receiver, her heart pounding. She hadn't talked to her mother in months.
"Mom?" she whispered, her loud breath reverberating through the headset. She played nervously with the frayed pieces of cloth that hung down from the edge of her towel.
"Yes, sweety, it's me! How have you been?" The first thing she noticed about her mother's tone was how upbeat and chipper, even, it was. She sounded healthy and motivated and...happy. Rachel's jaw hung open and she was unable to form an intelligible sentence or even one coherent thought. It was like a cold, stinging slap across her face. The first time she could remember her mother ever sounding REALLY happy- really enthusiastic- and she wasn't even in the same time zone with her. It hurt. A lot.
"Uh, they've been...things have been..." She struggled with the words. Her mind was flipping through a catalogue of other emotions and obscure memories. How could she ask that question? Had she not heard about anything that had happened over the past few months? Rachel forgot what she was even trying to say momentarily, but quickly snapped herself back to reality and answered her mother's questions as honestly but vaguely as possible. "Things have been eventful."
"Look, dear," she said, her voice coming down and getting significantly more serious. "I want to talk about what happened." Convenient, Rachel thought. NOW she wants to talk about it. Funny that she didn't want to talk about it when Rachel was laying up in the hospital, or when she was estranged from Ross, or when she was having to deal with all of those things with two fairly indifferent sisters in an unfamiliar apartment in the middle of an apathetic city that did not know her by name. Now, when her life was finally starting to show some semblance of what it had once been, Sandra Green wanted to do a little digging up of ghosts she'd already buried once. She was not up for doing it again. She closed her eyes tightly, squeezing off a single tear that slid down her cheek and landed to rest on the hem of her towel.
"Mom..." she pleaded, shaking her head as if her mother could actually see her.
"Oh, honey, I'm so sorry I didn't come out. You'll never know just how sorry I am for that. I'll even understand if you can never forgive me. I don't know if I'll ever really forgive myself." She continued to ramble, but Rachel was immune to this type of empty chatter from her mother and began to tune it out after a while. She did not blame her mother for not coming out. She already blamed her for most of the other fucked up aspects of her life. She had no reason to add something as silly and miniscule as a plane ticket to the pile.
"Don't worry about it, Mom," she placated. "I'm getting along fine here with Amy. Everything...everything's fine." She cringed at the phrase. How many times would she have to say those words until they would finally become true?
