To The Girl I Broke

Dear Mira Hollandes...

I'm sorry.

These words have been caught in my throat since last Christmas when I killed you. Yes, I said it. I killed you. With the words I typed and the pictures I posted. I killed you and I haven't been able to live with myself.

I never knew how far my words ripped down into your soul. How I left you with nothing but demons to swarm your mind. All I thought about was how I was becoming seen and at the time the cost didn't matter.

Even after all the cyberbully classes and assemblies, I went through I still did not know the true pain I was causing. You were like a shining star in a room full of darkness and pain and I snuffed you out. Left you with nothing.

I remember the day you decided that living wasn't an option. I remember waking up to thousands of text messages and phone calls all saying the same thing.

She's dead.

She overdosed.

She's gone.

This is your fault.

It felt good to have people watching me while I burned you slowly. No one ever listened before. I let it go to my head, stealing my conscious and leaving a monster behind.

Everything Mother had said to me seemed to come up on the screen, each curse and everything she blamed me for seemed to find itself typed as I thought of you. How you were everything I yearned to be.

Mother always said I was a mistake, that if it weren't for me Father would have stayed, she would have been loved, she would have been free.

I guess she was right. If I were never born you would be here. Free and happy, celebrating the holidays with a sober mom and family who loved you. But I took that away from you.

I skipped school that day, too ashamed to show my face to the people who seemed to praise me at the time. Every breath I took felt like a waste. I wanted to switch places with you, I wanted you back. I never really understood regret until then.

I know that you will never read this letter but I just want you to know that I've changed, it's sad that it took so long, but I've truly changed.

Hurting you ruined me in ways I still don't understand. I can barely sleep without thinking of your dark hair laid in the casket. I switched schools because people began bullying me for what I did to you and I deserved it.

I know that there is no possible way to make up for what I did except becoming a better person and teaching others from my mistake.

It took me 6 months to find myself again, to rise above what I'd done and to forgive myself because deep down I knew you'd forgive me. You changed me and each passing day your name continues to rest on my lips.

Rest In Peace, Mira.

Amanda Lorman