Excerpts from the book I'll never write

Boy

"I think we should..."

My heart stops. Don't say it. Please please don't say it, my heart begs. I know what's coming. Anyone in their right mind would know what comes after those 4 shattering words.

"Breakup."

I can't breathe. I can't think. I can't even look up. It's like I am no in control of my body. My fingers instinctively come up with a reply that will make him feel okay. But what about me? My whole life I was terrified that I wouldn't never be able to love. Everytime I tried to get close with someone, something would happen or my walls would become impenetrable.

And finally I realized I was capable of love. This feeling was both amazing, and terrifying. I felt like I was flying, but only because of the strings someone else was holding up and I didn't not feel comfortable with somebody else holding that much of me.

At first I held back. I only told you the good things. I made my life look perfect. And over time I filled in the blanks and told you the whole story. I never cried, but I came pretty damn close. I told you things that I had never told anyone before in my entire life. I trusted you. I guess that was my bad.

I suppose after you realized I wasn't so perfect anymore, you didn't want me. But little do you know, I really could've been the best thing that ever happened to you, but instead you chose to look at all the things I can't do. And no it's not my fault, but slowly I could tell you started to resent me for them. I could tell you were getting bored and I tried everything in my power to show you how wonderful I could be, but it wasn't enough. I can't fully blame you though. How could I expect someone to love me if I can't even love myself?

There are some days when I hear your name and don't feel a damn thing. And there's other days where I can't stop playing our memories in my head. I can't get over the way you looked at me in the beggining. There was this longing and lust. It looked like you wanted to steal me away from the world to just be yours. I couldn't get over that look and that's why it slowly killed me when that started to slowly fade away.

"I think we should just be friends, but like really really good friends."

Huh. Friends. Is that your way of saying you want me in your life, but you also want all these other girls in your life? The bigger question in my head is how am I supposed to look at you or hug you and not want to kiss you and love you? How do I talk about you as my friend? How do I tell people who say we were a "perfect couple" that now we're just friends. How am I supposed to do this?

I really just want to forget that we ever happened. My mind seems to not understand this concept as everytime I hear your name my heart skips a beat and my mind montages every memory. It's clear, almost like I could walk into them. I wish I could.
It usually goes like this,
I remember the first time we met. In Mr. Duran's homeroom. Awkward flirting and my hand shaking as I asked for your Snapchat. Then at the assembly, your laugh and I distinctly remember your voice when you sang Eminem. Then when you played hard to get, but ended up coming to GSA with me. Then my mind goes to the football game, when my shaky hands smeared paint on your face. Awkward laughs and cute stories we told eachother. You asked me to homecoming, I was bursting with excitement. And I remember Chap won that game. We hopped the fence and ran to the field, that's when you picked me up so I could get a better look. Then a couple days later at homecoming, we were dancing, having a blast, then you became sad and distant. You said you wanted to talk so we went out into the cafeteria. You told me that you had feelings for me, and then you asked me out. I very clearly remember our first kiss to Don't Stop Beliveing. I had only known you 3 days, but in those 3 days you worked your way so deep in my life it was like you've always been there. Every day we would meet up at least 3 times a day in between classes and such. Flirting, kissing, hand holding, being late to class and my personal favorite, getting yelled at by security guards. Time flew by as we went to more games, more GSA, more everything. At another football game when I was shivering and you were holding me, you told me you loved me. I was sure I loved you back so I told you. Should I have played more hard to get? Would that have changed anything? I remember one night we saw a play and we hid behind the post until the janitors left and it was just you and me. We laughed and you looked at me. Really looked at me and I saw your eyes light up. Almost like you saw my imperfections, but fell in love with them. Boy was I wrong. Then your birthday is when I really noticed a decline. It was like a rollercoaster when all the ups and downs were over and now you're just going straight. In your eyes there was nothing left to do. You were quiet and distanced. I gave you a letter about how much I cared about you. Did that impact it too? Did that make me seem clingy? Is that why you broke up with me? Thursday you wrote me a long paragraph about how much I meant to you. Friday another girl kissed you and we both cried. I didn't blame you, but you did. You said you realized you missed your ex so we went on a "break" I was heartbroken. You wanted to be free from the anchor that I was so it was on Monday that you broke up with me. I haven't cried over you since that Friday. Now when I hear your name there's a sharp pang, but at least I can look at you without holding back tears now. I no longer have the urge to kiss you, as so many other girls have touched those lips. I miss what we had, not you. You turned out to be exactly what I told you i was sick of. Fuckboy. And you still don't even realize it.

Now I'm afraid to love anyone for fear that they'll just leave. I'm afraid to like anyone because what if they're just a rebound? I'm afraid that if you said you were sorry and wanted me back that I would forgive you. But you don't deserve that. You really don't for the hell you put me through. It was 3 weeks I dated you. You stole my untouched heart, threw it and laughed as it shattered. You were broken so you made yourself feel better by breaking me. And for that, boy, for that I can never forgive you.

Oh ya. I thought you should know. I haven't shed a single tear writing this either.