Molestation: The True Story

Chapter 5

I don't remember if I said in my last chapter that I'd be updating this book as I hear more about HIM... But I figured that I should, to help myself, I guess.

See, I haven't read any of these chapters ever since I've written this book, and I don't plan to.
It hurts just coming back to this.

I don't remember much of where I left off last, so I'll give you all, the readers, everything that has happened since this book has been published on here.
At least, as much as I can remember. My brain has locked up certain parts, only to bring them back at the worst possible moments...

There are two people who I will be talking about in this chapter. My stepbrother, and babysitter's daughter. (You know, the one from the beginning of this book.)
I don't remember the names I've given them in this book, so I will be referring to them as HIM, and HER.

HE did go to prison, for a while.
HE'S been pleading guilty even more now than when HE first did. (HE first pled guilty on only two accounts.)

There was this thing at court recently that was about what would happen to him next.
I wanted to go there. I wanted to go there so bad. It felt like I needed that closure. To see personally, what would happen to HIM.
But I didn't go.

My parents didn't want to go, and just like always,I put them before me.

This felt like it may have been a big life altering thing for me, and I still didn't go. I couldn't make MYSELF happy for once...

Memories of HER are flooding back. What she used to have me do, are getting more detailed. With added thoughts in my head, that weren't actually there. (Things such as "You're fault." "You hooked have told people sooner.", etc.)
I wouldn't say that these are voices from a mental disorder. I know they're not.
No. These are more like the little voices that come when you feel guilty. The little voices from depression that put all of the blame on you...

I don't know where SHE is, or what SHE'S doing, but I would be lying if I would have told you that I tried, and failed to, look her up on Facebook a few times in the past.

I just wanted to find HER, you know? To message HER a link to his book, or the parts of the earliest chapter in this book where SHE'S mentioned in, just to let her know how screwed up she's made my life.
To let horrible how much this has affected me.

I'd also be lying if I told you that I didn't cut earlier in the month.
Now, before you come to conclusions, NO. This wasn't in an act of self harm.

Around the time I came out with what happened between me and HIM, I DID cut for self harm, and wrote words in my thighs which later turned into scars.

SL*T. WH**E. WORTHLESS. Etc.

I've been taking testosterone injections lately, for three months now. To help with my transition from female to male.

But everytime I have to inject the needle, the scars are still there.

I have talked to my mom many times about the possibility of getting a tattoo or more, to at least cover these scars, but.... It's just so expensive, and the wait will also be long.

So I did the first thing that came to my mind... I cut. ONLY to cover up the words scarred in my legs.

Nothing more, nothing less.
Now, I know that some of you may say "Oh, you self harmed!" "Whatever you say to yourself and others, you still self harmed!" "Oh,you need to get help!"

But NO. This is my body. And if I was going to purposely self harm, I would have known it. I wasn't feeling depressed or suicidal or anything like I used to feel when I cut those words into my legs. No.
I was in fact very content with my life, as I am now. I may not be happy, but content. And that's enough for me.

And I haven't felt truly depressed in many MANY months.

This was just to cover up my scarred words, in a different way than I had hoped, until we get the money and time to actually get me a tattoo or two, to cover up the scars.

I would also never have mentioned this if I was feeling depressed or suicidal. I would keep it a secret.
But I didn't. Because you all need to know. To know the pain it used to cause and some of the pain that still causes, me to feel how I feel about myself today.

Many people who were molested and sexually abused, take these things their own way. They live their lives differently.
Yet any of them rarely tell their stories.

Did you know that it took a few days just to get a call in, about my stepbrother? To actually fully do something about that whole week?
You know why? Because there were many others calling.
People if all ages in the area, calling about getting sexually abused. Molested... Raped... etc.

Yet I bet you, not even half of them will be telling their story(ies), like I am to you right now.

So why am I exactly doing this?

To help.

There may be some of you reading this book, or who have read this book already and are only visiting it again to read this very chapter, who have been sexually abused.

The rest of you may know somebody who was sexually abused.

While the others remaining, may just want to know how this feels like to the victims of sexual abusers.
Whether you are just sick people wanting to get a kick out of this, or are genuine people who support the victims like me, I am not one to judge.

No matter if you were a victim or not, it took a lot of strength for you to even click on this book. To even give it a single thought. And I congratulate you for that. (In fact, I would reach through the screen, hug you, and give you a cookie, if I could.), but I can't.
So I can only hope that you, the readers, know just how genuine my congratulations to you, is.
I mean, a lot of you have read this, and I bet that any of you have even read it to the last chapter, and are currently reading this one. That takes a lot of guts.

Back on topic though, I also wrote this book for myself.

I NEED people to know how I felt, and still feel, about all of this. I NEEDED to write this all down, so that I could spread awareness to the other victims out there.

Because what if there's people out there like me, maybe even getting sexually assaulted right now, who may have Wattpad, and may want to find security knowing that there's others out there reaching out for people like them? Like us?

I just needed the small... Oh,the very small satisfaction that I may have just helped someone out. That I may have saved a life, or changed someone's view on victims like me. Victims like the others out there.

With that, I'll be leaving this chapter here.

Yes, I may not be updating this book for a long while again. (Although, whose to know for sure?)
I will, of course, be making more chapters as I hear more about what's going on with HIM, and if I remember anything I may have forgotten to add in this chapter.
  So please be sure to get comfortable. Allow what I have told you so far, to fully soak in your mind. I have said a lot to you, dear readers. And all without crying, surprisingly. (Trust me, it was hard.)

I want to thank you all for following me on this journey so far.
For reading so far into this book. It truly means a lot.

I hope to see you all again in my next chapter, whenever that'll be.