Our Future, Together (Zenyuki)

A Cold Recovery

Zen and Shirayuki hadn't had a quiet night in a long time.
Shirayuki would often stay up late crying to herself, unable to sleep because of the pain and guilt she felt. Zen even had to take a large amount of work off just to be there for her, he could feel the heartbreak she felt. It was hard enough for Zen after losing their baby, he couldn't bare to think of what his wife must be feeling. He didn't fault her for keeping him up though, he had started to grow used to it in the saddest way possible. It was a routine almost, he'd gently pet her hair till she fell asleep, then soon wake up a few hours later to her trying to hide her tears. Then he'd engulf her in his arms and hold her until her crying subsided and she felt well enough to say what exactly she was feeling, he'd listen sincerely and whisper kind words back. It tore him to shreds to see her like this, but it wasn't like he didn't feel anything.
To know that you created someone, with someone else that you love more than anything else— only to become attached to it, then lose it. He couldn't bare it. He loved his beloved daughter that he never was able to hold before she passed.
It was the worst when they held a small burial and memorial for her.
Less then fifteen people were present so Shirayuki could cry with less embarrassment, which was much needed. She cried for hours, not wanting to bury her only child. She was so desperate, Zen could hear her prayers at night, asking for her baby to be somehow brought back to life. It was too much for the both of them.
It was worse though, when the crying stopped.
And when she became numb.
After nearly a month and a half of the cold nights full of tears— They just stopped. And it seemed that she did too.
Her face was like wood, never happy, but never quite sad.
Her voice became like sand, rough and toneless.
Zen tried to talk to her as be there for her as much as he could, but with his work piling up, he couldn't just push it away anymore. And whenever he tried to connect to her, it always seemed like she grew even further, not wanting to expose herself again. Zen wanted to scream, he knew she was in unimaginable pain, and he couldn't do anything to help her. She wouldn't even touch him anymore, she'd brush off his attempt kisses, ignore his handholds, and turn down his requests to spoon her. It was like she wanted nothing to do with him, yet she never quite showed that she hated him.
Zen had had enough though.
One night, when the two of them were in bed, attempting to sleep, Zen reached his hand out to play with Shirayuki's hair, trying his best to give her some sort of sign that he was still with her. She moved his hand off though, while giving the excuse, "Not in the mood tonight, Zen."
This practically broke him.
He sat up as his eyes started to water.
"Do you not realize that i'm hurting too?"
Shirayuki squirmed uncomfortably, still facing away from her husband.
"Well I am. Horribly. I want to puke out of pure sadness whenever I think of our child. I know this must be unimaginable for you, being the mother. But you have to understand that this has effected me too."
Silence.
Zen started to cry some more.
"Shirayuki, you're not making this time any easier by being cold to me. This is hurting me greatly, that you won't talk to me, or even hold my hand."
Shirayuki sat up slowly from her bed, still not turning to face him.
"You act like you're the only one going through this. But you have no idea the things i've felt ever since losing her. I've tried to do nothing but help you, and be there for you during this hard time, but you're showing nothing in return." His voice cracked. "I have feelings too, Shirayuki. I need some sort of comfort."
He stopped when he heard the whimpers and light cries of his wife, her body looked tense and upset as it rose and fell from the crying.
"Shirayuki, come here."
Zen whispered, opening his arms up slightly.
Shirayuki turned, diving into Zen's chest, sobbing.
"I'm so sorry Zen. I'm so, so sorry."
He wrapped his arms around her.
"I- I thought that m-maybe If I became less of a nuisance, and you could become more involved in your work, the pain would be less for the both of us. I was b-being so selfish..."
Zen ran his hand through her hair.
"Shh."
She continued to cry.
"This is too much Zen. I don't know if I can do this."
His other hand went to her back, which he rubbed gently.
"We'll get through this, I promise my love."
Shirayuki buried her crying face into Zen's shoulder as he continued to give her words of encouragement, but she still continued to hurt.
"So-Someone even asked me if we planned on having a replacement baby. I-I wanted to scream, Zen. The idea crushed me."
Zen felt it too. The idea of having another child just to get over the death of another one made him want to vomit.
"It's okay darling. It's none of their business, and you and me will take our time with this."
He hugged her tighter.
"I'm here, you're here, we're here. That's all that matters now."