I'd Rather Be Alone

(The types of relationships I'm about to discuss are exclusively that between a man and a woman, based on my own personal experiences and personal opinion. I am not the most eloquent speaker, and my words are not hard-boiled facts, because I don't know about everyone and many rebuttals could be strung up to argue against mine, but this is based on my own personal opinion and what I've personally perceived and believed throughout my own life.)

Almost 5 months ago, I got out of my first relationship. But this post isn't about that relationship. It is about the aftermath – in myself, in this new person I'm transitioning into, so slowly I didn't even realize it had happened – until it has.

Recently, I've been more into the idea of self-development and career-orientation. I see people around me get into relationships and talk about their boyfriends/girlfriends and more often now the first thought that goes through my head is, "Hm, not for me." I've been more about working on oneself, developing oneself, and not being too busy finding or maintaining a relationship. Whenever I have a conversation with one of my friends about my complete aversion to relationships now, they always understand it as, "I want to be alone."

That's the misconception, because no one is actually listening to what I'm saying. Of course I don't want to be alone – no human does. At the end of the day, I will always crave human intimacy – be it emotional or physical or spiritual or psychological, the urge is always there inside of me, because it is natural to feel that way. What I mean when I say that I don't want a relationship, it is not that I want to be alone. It is that in this world we currently live in, in this culture I am stuck in, and in this black hole of mentalities I am surrounded by; I'd RATHER be alone.

Because here's the thing: the way relationships are perceived and experienced in Egypt are mostly very sexist, oppressive, and unfair to women. I'm talking about this on a very small scale, because otherwise there is a much wider scope I could rant about that involves many other problems and ideals. The thing I want to talk about now is how people perceive what a normal relationship should be like:

There is a guy and a girl. He's the man. He has the power. He tells the girl what to do. He has to have control over the girl – what she does, where she goes, who she knows, who she sees, what she wears. Some guys are, of course, more controlling than others, but the stigma is that essentially, if you are a girl in a relationship, you are not meant to be equal to your partner, because at the end of the day, HE is the man, and what HE says, goes.

Many people might argue my point and tell me that I'm exaggerating and of course we're equals, and no he doesn't tell me what to do, I allow him to tell me what to do because I know how to keep peace in my relationship – or on the other hand, some women might actually say YES, this IS how it should be, and they have no qualms at all about being treated in this way, because they think that this is what's normal and this is how a relationship dynamic is like. The man is the one in control, he has all the power, he makes her feel safe, and he makes all the decisions. The girl is meant to be delicate, and pretty, and pampering.

Again, many people might argue that this is an exaggeration – and again, in some cases I am, but unfortunately, the vast majority of the population is living this way, and is not only happy with it, but they believe in it; even the women in relationships who are oppressed and mistreated and assaulted and abused, they believe that this is the way this should be.

Now, let's take it down a notch to my specific social class. We're supposed to be better educated, more exposed to the real world, and more in tune with the concept of equality between the sexes. The men I have met so far in my life? They believe in the equality of the sexes, sure – but not when it comes to relationships. I remember once having a conversation with this guy who was very open-minded about women in relationships – a small example would be he was completely fine marrying a girl who wasn't a virgin, because that stigma to him was very stupid and sex doesn't define who a person is, which I thought was very incredible to hear from a guy in Egypt because that is not even close to how things work here – but he believed that when it came to a guy and a girl's roles in a relationship, there was a certain dynamic that could not be broken: Man in control, woman is submissive.

Now, don't get me wrong – women and men have completely different attributes, and each gender contributes something completely different to the table. Men like to feel big and strong, and want their partner to feel safe. Women want to feel maternally and lovingly, and so they want to feel as if their partner is taken care of emotionally. This, however, is the difference between masculinity and femininity – NOT a man and a woman. This does not mean that the woman should establish herself as lesser. This should not give the man the power and authority over her and view her as property or something that's HIS to control.

This brings me to another conversation I had with two of my girl friends – we agreed on the end point, but this is where they confused masculinity and femininity with man and woman. They said that it is very important to make your man feel like a man – and while at the end of the conversation we established that doing this through building him up, supporting him, and making him feel very special and valuable in your life was something that you have to emotionally support your partner with, the conversation did not start with the term, "Supporting your man and making him feel like a man." It started with, "You have to make him feel like he's better than you, even if he knows he is not." This is problematic in so many ways – the first and most obvious one is the belief that in order for a man to feel like a man, he has to be better than you – and in this sense, if a man ever felt like his girlfriend/wife is better than him, the unfortunate result that often happens is that instead of trying to build himself up to match his partner's high level, he tries to crush her and break her down until she's at a lower level than him. This is the norm – unfortunately, this is what every woman has to put up with.

But I always remember a certain quote when this certain topic is brought up, "Dear Woman,

Sometimes you'll just be too much woman.

Too smart,

Too beautiful,

Too strong.

Too much of something that makes a man feel like less of a man,

Which will make you feel like you have to be less of a woman.

The biggest mistake you can make

Is removing jewels from your crown

To make it easier for a man to carry.

When this happens, I need you to understand

You do not need a smaller crown—

You need a man with bigger hands."

― Michael Reid

These men with bigger hands? I haven't found one yet.

Maybe I will. But here is where my final point arrives – I have no interest in being in what is described as a "typical Egyptian relationship, with a typical Egyptian guy." I have no interest in a man who feels like I need to be lesser than him in order for him to feel like a man; I have no interest in a man who needs to control what I do in order for him to feel like a man; I have no interest in a man who alters the way I dress or act or the decisions I make for myself; I have no interest in a man, who is not a man at all, who tries to bring down a woman to make himself feel like a man.

I am interested in a man who has trust and confidence in not only his partner, but in himself, and in their relationship. I am interested in a man who I will make life decisions WITH, not have him make our life decisions for us. I am interested in a man who is actually a man, in love with a woman, in an equal, satisfying, loving relationship.

But until I find that type of man, I'd rather be alone.