My in-laws house was bubbling with energy and festivities. It was like my wedding all over again. There were a few people who had come all the way from India. It was late evening by the time we reached. It was a mostly silent drive from the gas station - expect from the hunderous steps of our impending doom . I felt like the scum at the bottom of the ugliest scum. Adi had slipped into the land of contemplation. I had never seen him think about something this deeply. He is usually decide-and-move kind of a guy. After reaching his folks place, we hung out with everyone for some time and had a family dinner. Adi was unusually quiet during the whole time. He was so quiet that his mom asked him if I had done something to him. I decided I needed a little break from all the chaos - so, I slipped out early.
I don’t know if it is from my hectic work for the last few days, the travel or the heart draining conversations at the gas station, but I immediately fell asleep. When I woke up, it was around 2 AM. I sat up on the huge bed and looked around. This is the same room Adi and I had stayed during our reception party. Now that I think about it, I suspect we were having issues even then.
Anyways, it is a beautiful room. The ceiling was very high and an entire side of the room had these gigantic clear glass windows that looked out to a patio garden. It is absolutely stunning. The windows have these large flowly curtain that went with the breeze creating an amazing feeling of the wilderness.
I saw that Adi was sitting on the recliners in front these windows, looking at the view. He did not have his laptop or phone with him. This is really strange. I have never seen him sit this idle and calm.
“Heeeey…” I call for his attention.
He turns around and echoes back a softer and more affectionate version of my Heeey. He gets up and walks to the bed and stands over me. “Did I wake you up?” he asked, passing his hand over my hair. I squinted at him, unable to comprehend all this niceness - especially at a point when I did'nt deserve any. He looked dressed to go out.
“No. Why aren’t you asleep? And why are you being nice to me?" I asked. "The question I was expecting from you is – why are you in my room and in my bed.”
He sits across from me at the foot of the bed and leans against the bedpost looking at me with a smile. “I'd be worried if you weren’t in my room and in my bed.”
“Adi, I am very sorry about the things I said. I feel like crap - if it makes you feel any better.” I extended my hand to him.
“It doesn’t, Sunshine.” He smiled, looking into my eyes. He moves closer to me and takes my hand. Okay, what is going on here? The bed light was on the other side of the bed from where Adi was sitting; the dim light from it was radiating his face and he looked gorgeous. I hope he is not trying to seduce me because if he is, it is totally working.
“You are freakishly calm.” I commented.
“I have been thinking.” He replied.
“About?”
“Us. You. Me.”
“What have you thought? Other than the fact that your wife is a raging bitch of the first order.”
He rolled his eyes. “I have been thinking about a lot of things, babe - from about the time when we first started having these tiffs. I remember thinking that you probably just had a bad day at work."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. But, it did not stop that day or the next day. They just kept creeping up, heavier and nastier. Some day you had a problem with my attitude and another day you did not like one of my friends…then my mom."
"Is this you way of leading into a fight?"
"No. I don't want to fight, Lina. I cannot fight with you anymore."
"Okay?" I looked at him confused. "That's a good thing, right?"
"I can't say. My point is that the trend kept continuing and I started getting mad - for one, because I did not see the girl who is in love with me anymore and second, I was really afraid to even entertain the thought...that you were drifting away.” he said with some kind of a heart-wrenching sadness in his eyes.
“Adi…” I sat up.
“Let me finish..”
I looked at him quietly, scared about what he was going to say.
“The fights drove me crazy. But as much as they did, I was more angry because I did not have you along my side anymore. I was more angry that I missed you and you were sitting right in front of me. When you said you wanted a break and that we should stay separately for a few days - I was so fucking mad; I wanted to physically hurt you that day.”
“Adi..don’t say it.”
“All this time, I was beating myself about what I was doing wrong; why I was driving you away from me..I just did not get it. But, when I heard you at the gas station today, Lina…” His eyes were filled up and his voice was choking. His eyes were fixed on headboard behind me and they were recoiling in horror “…when I saw you, saying those things..I saw…hatred…for me..in your eyes." he recollected. Tears were streaming out along like a volacano of truth and realization.
"You hate me." he continued. "You want to hurt me. You have become so bitter. Just imagine the girl who almost gave up her career, the most important thing in her life for me. She did not even share how she was feeling, even after losing something she had worked for all her life – just because of this false sense of hers that she was protecting me. You had done that for me.
You threw all of that in a second? To throw a punch at me?"
"For godsakes, I thought you were having an affair, Adi."
He stopped me with his palm - indicating that he had not finished yet. "I just have to face it, babe. Either you don’t love me anymore or the hatred you have for me is so great that it is eclipsing your better side. I wish, I wish I knew what it is that is bothering you. I wish I could somehow make it go away.”
“That’s not true Adi...” I begged.
He looked at me in silence. His eyes reflected helplessness, fear and most importantly affection “I love you Lina D’Souza." he said. "I love you to death. I love that you did not change your name after our marriage. I love that your right hand is a little smaller than your left hand; and I love how insecure you get about that. I love how you refuse to order fries and end up eating half the fries on my plate, to my utter annoyance. I love how you come and pick an argument with me when you are bored. I love how cold your feet get in the bed and how you snuggle upto me, trying to steal my warmth. I love how you digitally assault the play button when you like a particular song. I love anything and everything about you.
But, we are done, Lina. We are done, unless we figure out what it is that you are angry about. Or if you have fallen for someone else?”
“Oh God! Hell no!” I cried covering my face.
“Then if it is something that I did; is that so big that I cannot rectify it; that you cannot forgive and let go off it? I’d do anything to get back to that girl whose only wish was to see me happy.…but that is the girl I want to get back.”
With this speech, he stood up.
“I am meeting a friend. I will see you in the morning.” He towered over me and his lips touched mine. We looked into each others eyes helplessly. I realized he was trying to remind me of how I used to feel about him - and the stark difference between then and now. He closed his eyes as if in pain.
We wiped my tears "Are you going to be okay?" he asked, softly. When I nodded my head, he just kissed my forehead and left.
~~~
