I opened my eyes to find me lying in the shade of our peach tree. It was late afternoon and I had dozed off. Mom and I had lunch and she had to finish some paperwork. So, I came out to absorb the warm sun light. It has been so long since I just stayed in all day, without doing anything.
I told my mom what I had been thinking about during lunch.
"The important part is realizing the issue. Now that you have done that, I think you will deal with it the right way." she assured me.
"I do not know what the right way is mom."
"Yes, you do."
I looked at her shaking my head at her grander-than-human insight. "You are not helping very much." I tell her.
"Lina, you need to do this alone. Letting go is hard, but not as hard as holding a grudge. Your Grama only wanted you to get married because it was her way of making sure that you are protected, loved and treasured. I think you have found all those things a long time back. So grow up and..." she stood up and stressed her words with as much emphasis as she could. "....let.go. I know she would want you to move on in your life and be happy in whatever you choose to do." she kissed my head and left me with those pearls of wisdom.
I sat under this tree thinking about her motherly advise. I hated that she was right. Well, if it is anybody's fault what happened to Grama, it is mine. Adi had nothing to do with it. He always knew what he wanted. If I really cared about what Grama wanted, I would have married, or atleast threatened to get married to someone else. I am sure that would have gotten Adi's attention. The thing is I never took what she wanted seriously and I never wanted to 'just get married.' I knew that whenever I do get married, it was going to be with Adi. So, when he was not ready, I was angry. I was angry that he could not give our relationship the respect it rightly deserved - especially, given the additional factor of my dying grandmother. It was a confusing and frustrating time.
So, "Sorry Grama. I know you meant well and I know you had turned your life into some sort of a crusade championing this vision of seeing me a married woman. But, that is not what I wanted. If I had listened to you and married some guy I did not love; I would have become miserable. If I were miserable, I don't think you would have been terribly happy about the whole thing either. It is a lose-lose situation - don't you see it? And on a complete tangent, let me confess to you right now, I totally suck at being a wife. If there is anything in this world that I am absolutely worthless at, it is at being a wife. I am no good. Adi would vehemently vouch for me on this note."
"So, this is what I have to tell you: I love you. I really miss you. I wish you were there at my wedding. I wish you were there to see me married, probably have a kid or two, and played with them a bit. I would die for you Grama. But what I cannot do, is live for you. I know that is selfish of me but that is who I am. I guess you must have realized that by now. And I am sorry for being such a disappointment. I wish I was as selfless as you are. But, unfortunately, I am not."
"Also, marriage or no marriage, Adi is the one for me. I think he is really the only one who can handle me. I miss him. I miss snuggling upto him in the night and stealing his warmth." That line makes me smile like an idiot. "That was a pretty good speech he gave, wasn't it? I cannot believe how mean I have been to him lately."
I tried to remember the last time we were good to each; without any fights. It would have to be on our honeymoon. He was having fun with the whole marriage thing - teasing me about it.
"Did you know the Indian marriage act gives the husband the right to have sex with his wife...like she cannot refuse. " he declared reading some stupid article on his ipad.
