light my candle

chapter three

chapter three

finn pov

"wait," i said, tilting my head away from rachel's as she leaned in. she opened her eyes and pulled back. "you came here all nervous that i was going to take advantage of you...and now you're trying to kiss me?"

rachel looked down, smiling a little and she shrugged.

"that does seem like what's going on," she replied quietly.

"i'm just...confused. i mean...what do you want from me?" i asked, trying to get her to meet my eyes. she sighed heavily, shaking her head.

"i think i'm just trying to figure that out for myself," rachel answered quietly.

"what do you mean? are you trying to figure out if you like me or something?"

rachel started to stand up to leave, but i grabbed her hand and she stopped herself, sitting back down but not facing me. i took a breath before sliding a little closer to her. i put my finger under her chin and turned her head towards mine. she looked up at me, our eyes meeting. i moved my hand up to her cheek.

this time i was the one who leaned in.

and we kissed. she kissed me back. and we didn't pull away. at least, for a long while.

••••

"what time is it?" rachel asked, pulling away slightly. i sat up a little, looking at the clock next to my bed on the other side of the room.

"almost eleven," i replied. her eyes widened.

"we've been at this for almost three hours?" she asked in disbelief.

"yeah, unless my clock is wrong."

"wow," she replied quietly.

"is that a bad thing?" i asked, and she quickly shook her head.

"no, no, no, it just felt like a lot shorter than that," she said. i smiled a little.

"time flies when you're having fun," i said, and she smiled a little, too and nodded. then her smile faded and she took a breath as we sat up all the way.

"so, what happens next with us?" she asked carefully.

"what do you want to happen with us?"

"well, i don't want to be just tossed aside and forgotten about like all those other girls. i don't do that."

"but see, rachel," i began, "you're not like those other girls. i dunno what happened, and this gonna sound totally cheesy and whatever, but i felt something with you. right when you leaned in to kiss me before i stopped you. my stomach did something weird...but a good weird. and i don't really know what to do about it."

"well...if you feel good about your stomach doing something weird," she began, leaning back in and giving me one last kiss, "give me a call."

and with that, she smiled, stood up and left. i watched her go, smiling widely to myself.

dammit. i liked her. i liked her a lot.

••••

the next day we didn't have rehearsal, which was even more disappointing than it would have been normally because i was missing out on a chance to see rachel. i had never felt like this before, and it felt so cheesy and so weird. but i had to seem like i wasn't so desperate, so i decided not to seek her out during the day and just go about my usual business. and i didn't see her at all. it was disappointing, but it made sense. we had no classes together, at least that day, and i wasn't going out of my way to find her, and clearly she wasn't doing the same for me. i wasn't sure if i wanted to see her so bad because i liked her so much, or because i needed to figure out if i was interested in her or interested in the idea of her. someone different than all the other girls i'd chased after in college. girls that were attractive on the outside but relatively bland on the inside and that were just one night things for me. rachel had been the only girl all year that i wanted to invite back to my place for a second time. and i know she said to call, but i wasn't sure if i should until i knew how i felt about her for sure. but then again, wouldn't i have to see her and spend more time with her to figure that out?

girls are confusing.

••••

it was friday, so i was obliged to go to another big fraternity party. normally i would be so psyched to go, but i couldn't get my mind off of rachel. she was kind of driving me crazy. i thought about calling her a few times as we were getting ready, but then i decided i needed to clear my head of all these tangled up thoughts i was having about her, and i also decided that going to the party and just having fun was the way to do that.

a few hours in, i was getting a little tired and thought about walking myself home when i felt a tap on my shoulder just as i was about to reach for the door handle.

"so were you just going to go the entire day without trying to communicate with me at all?"

i turned around to see rachel smiling at me, her arms crossed with a drink in her hand. i smiled back at her.

"that was the plan, actually," i admitted, looking down.

"aw, were you nervous? scared of a girl?" she asked teasingly. i laughed a little, but just shook my head slightly, not directly answering the question.

"that's adorable," she said, concluding that yes, i was nervous. which wasn't a lie.

"what are you doing here?" i asked. "this doesn't seem like your kind of thing."

"it's not, but it's yours, and i had a feeling i would find you here. i wanted to talk to you," rachel answered.

"and what did you want to talk to me about?" i asked, leaning against the wall.

"about why you never called me...i guess that you didn't feel good about your stomach doing something weird," she said.

"oh, no, i...i mean...well..."

rachel put up her hand to stop me, laughing softly.

"it's alright, it's alright, you were nervous. i get it."

i smiled a little and nodded slightly. rachel looked around, putting her drink down on the table, then looked me in the eyes, smiling widely.

"what do you say we get outta here? i've got a couple of things we can do that are way more fun than this."