light my candle

chapter seven

chapter seven

rachel pov

i could tell something wasn't quite right between finn and i by the way he spoke to me after we talked about his performance at rehearsal. and i did feel a little bad about telling him he sucked, but i was only being honest. it had obviously hurt him, however, so when i woke up in the morning the first thing i did was reach for my phone to call him and apologize. when i did, there was a voicemail notification on the screen. it said it was from finn and it said it was left at one twelve this morning. worried, i pressed play and listened.

i wish i didn't listen.

•••

of course i was mildly furious at him for being so insensitive. he sounded like he had had a few drinks or something, but still, that's not really a valid excuse for being a complete jerk. i wasn't sure if we were ever really dating, but even so he shouldn't have done that. and who is maria? i don't know a single maria on campus. then again, i'm not necessarily "popular". and now i was dreading rehearsal more than i was before, because there really was no avoiding working with finn in this show. a confrontation between the two of us was unfortunately inevitable.

when i walked in he wasn't there, so i took one of the few open seats that were left. soon the rest started to fill up, until there was only one seat left, and it was next to me. finn still hadn't arrived yet. i cursed under my breath when he walked in the door and made his way towards the seat, obviously a bit disappointed the only available spot was next to me. he didn't say anything when he sat down. maybe he was still mad? or maybe he didn't want to talk to me about last night. both were understandable. but i didn't care if he wanted to talk or not, i wanted to. so as soon as the director announced he was going to work with jillian and emma on a scene between joanne and maureen and that we would have a few minutes to ourselves, i turned to finn.

"i got your message," i announced flatly. he turned to look at me. he looked tired and a little under the weather, but he also looked confused.

"what? what message? i didn't call you," he replied.

"yes, you did," i said, nodding slowly. "you left me a message around one o'clock this morning."

"i have no recollection whatsoever of leaving you a message," finn replied, sounding defiant yet a little bit nervous.

"then how do i know that you brought maria home last night?" i asked, raising my eyebrows. his eyes widened.

"oh god," he said softly. i shrugged, crossing one leg over the other.

"did you sleep with her?" i asked causally.

"no. i didn't sleep with her," he replied.

"you sure?" he sighed and rolled his eyes.

"yes, rachel, i'm sure i didn't sleep with her. even though i was drunk enough to not remember calling you i still remember throwing up on her shoes and i still remember maria leaving my room shortly after that," he explained. i nodded.

"so you were drunk."

"yes. and that's exactly why i made the stupid decision to take maria home."

"would you like to hear the message, finn?"

he thought for a moment before nodding, and i handed him my phone. as he listened, his eyes got wide like they always did when he was surprised or confused or shocked or a combination of the three, which is what i'm guessing was going on in that moment. when it was over, he sat there, frozen, for a moment or two before handing me my phone.

"i'm an idiot," he said softly, obviously very embarrassed. i felt bad for him, and i wanted to just make everything all better. but i knew i couldn't do that because that's not how things work.

"mhm. you most definitely are," i replied.

"look, rachel...i didn't mean any of that stuff...my friends felt bad for me because i was upset that things weren't working for us and-"

i put up my hand to stop him. "you were upset?" i asked. he looked at me like i had three heads.

"of course i was upset. i really like you, rachel. i know i've wrecked everything now and i'm so sorry because i really just wanted this to work out for us and to be your boyfriend and i just...i'm sorry."

i should have forgave him then. but i didn't. it was a cruel, spiteful decision, and i didn't forgive him. i didn't return his text messages later that day. i didn't wave back to him when we passed one our way to classes or wherever we were headed. and i think it may have been even harder for me than it was for finn. when i got back to my dorm i sat down with macy to talk to her about everything and get some advice.

"so...basically what you're doing is driving him further into the arms of another woman," macy said blankly when i finished.

"no! no, that's not what i'm trying to do at all," i replied.

"it might not be what you're trying to do, but it's what you are doing. you're pushing him away, making him feel upset. and last time you made him feel upset, he got drunk and almost slept with another girl. who knows, next time he actually might go through with it and keep his puke down until afterwards."

i sighed. "i just need to know how to fix this."

"you need to accept his apology," macy stated, shrugging. "it's as simple as that. maybe give him a while, though. he's probably at that point where he doesn't really want to talk to you. but you can't wait too long, because that's when he'll start sleeping around again."

i nodded and smiled a little. "okay. thank you, macy." she smiled back.

"anytime, rach. oh, and another tip of advice. don't act like you own him. you two were never actually really dating."

i nodded. "any other words of wisdom?"

"yeah. don't screw this up. you two are cute together. win him back but do it right."

and so begun my mission to fix the situation between finn and i. because i wasn't letting our relationship go down without a fight.