The Rusty Old Minivan

Chapter 8

Harry swooped the van in crookedly four feet from the trailer and Louis was out of the passenger seat before they were even at a standstill. He ran to the door, flung it open and jumped inside the trailer.

Niall, who was sitting at the table alone, immediately shushed him. "She's sleeping," he whispered, then pointed to Freddie, "and so is he. I finally just got him down."

Louis' pulse was still going at a hundred miles per hour. "What happened? You said she was assaulted!"

"She was," Niall patted the chair beside him, "come sit down."

"But she's all right?" Louis hissed. "She's not hurt?"

"No, she's all right. He didn't hurt her physically, I think he just jumped her and took her money."

Louis nodded, driving a hand through his hair. He could breathe again. "Could've told me that over the phone, man."

"I tried, but you hung up on me before I got to."

Louis didn't reply, instead moving over to the latter for the loft bed and crawling up to check on the girls. They were all sleeping soundly, cuddled up in their duvets. Not a scratch on their heads. He could breathe.

Once he came down again, Harry was sitting across from Niall. He offered a comforting smile when Louis joined them, still feeling quite on edge.

"I'm sorry you guys had to cut your night short," Niall said, looking more grave-faced than ever, "she was in absolute hysterics when I called you, and the little ones were as well. She wouldn't let me check if she had bruises or anythin'. Eventually, I think they just tired themselves out though and Lottie could explain what'd happened." He pushed a half-drunk six pack over the table. "Beer?"

Both Harry and Louis nodded. Louis chugged half in one go, wanting to calm his nerves the last bit. If there was one thing that could ever truly terrify him, it was the thought of his family getting hurt. This was exactly why he couldn't leave them alone to be selfish. If they ever got hurt while he was off shagging around, he'd... no. He couldn't think of it.

They sat for a few moments, sipping and staring into thin air.

"But, the thing is," Niall then said, warily, "she was carrying the shoe-money when the guy mugged her."

Louis put his beer down, staring at him for a few seconds to comprehend his words. He hadn't even gotten to the part about losing money before now. "Right," he said, tapping the cold lit of his beer can, "right. Shit."

"Yeah. And obviously she had to give him everything she had on her, you know, to protect herself."

"'Course."

"So... we've lost it, Louis." Niall watched him, his eyes begging for some sort of reaction. "All of the money for shoes."

Slowly, it seeped into his brain. Into his veins and down to his stomach, making it drop. "Fuck," Louis blurted, "fuck fuck, shit, fuck."

"I know."

All of the shoe-money. All of it. Every last penny. Lottie's sneakers were falling apart at the soles, Fizzie's had a big hole at the toe, Daisy and Phoebe were still wearing ballerina's in September. They couldn't afford this. They just couldn't.

Suddenly, Louis couldn't sit down anymore. He leaped out of his seat, marching to the door, grabbing the handle to leave, but then he stopped last second. Running away now wasn't going to help anything. He pressed his forehead against the door instead, and knocked his palm against it in frustration, three or four or maybe ten times. He wasn't sure when he'd tired himself out, or when Harry had crowded up behind him, wrapping an arm around his stomach.

They stood there for several minutes, just pressed against the door. Louis took Harry's fingers between his teeth and bit on them and Harry let him.

At some point, Harry muttered against the nape of his neck, "she's not hurt. She lost your money and its shit, but she's not hurt. And she's got you. They all have. So they're going to be all right."

"It's shit, Harry." He felt so fucking helpless. He didn't want wealth, he didn't want stuff, he just wanted to be able to give the kids a pair of comfortable winter-shoes. But he couldn't, because the world was motivated by the one thing he'd been born into not having any of. "It's fucking shit."

He thought he felt Harry nodding against him, but he didn't say anything more. Just pulled Louis closer and pecked his shoulder. Pressed his thumb between Louis' teeth and held his jaw in a grip so tight it was almost trapping. And in some way that was exactly what he needed right then. To be held and trapped and squeezed so hard he forgot about the shit around him for a second, forgot about the coiling bitterness in his gut that came with giving your all to these kids and still not being enough. Because of circumstance. Because of something he didn't have the means to change and worst of all; because he'd been selfish tonight and if he'd been home and there to remind Lottie not walk home from her boyfriend's too late this wouldn't have happened.

At some point, Harry slipped off of him and Louis turned around. Niall was in bed now, staring up at the ceiling. He had the two toddlers on either arm, slouched peacefully across his chest.

"Take the bed, guys," he said to Louis and Harry. "You should be allowed to spend the rest of your evening alone together."

Harry looked to Louis for an answer, and as much as Louis never wanted to be selfish again, he also couldn't say no to the look in Harry's eyes. He nodded. "If you want to."

"I want to," Harry replied quickly. "If you want me to."

"I do," Louis said, his lips quirking upwards a little, his smile sardonic, "I do want you to."

"Guys, could you go to bed and pull the curtain on all the flirting? I'm trying to get a few hours of sleep here," Niall said from his mattress.

Louis gave a little chuckle. "Right. Sorry."

He and Harry crawled into bed, pulled the curtain for privacy and began undressing themselves. They sat on either end, slowly pulling off their jeans without looking at each other or speaking. They kept pants and shirts on and crawled under the cool covers.

It wasn't until they were lying there, side by side, staring at the dark ceiling that Louis broke the silence. "I'm sorry you've been dragged into all of this chaotic shit."

"I'm sorry you think that's how I see it."