Watch Over You

Nothing Left But Tears

I must have looked a sight when I got on the plane that morning. Red nose, swollen eyes, shaky hands; I probably looked like I was tweaked off my ass on something. I’d kept my sunglasses on in the terminal to spare my poor eyes the horrific lighting. I hadn’t really let myself consider what had happened this morning. I would have plenty of time to wallow in my self-loathing during this flight.

I barely even noticed take-off, which was a big thing for me. Usually I would have been on the verge of tears. But today, even if the plane had fucking crashed I wouldn’t have been aware of it. This airline let you choose your own seats and most people had wisely chosen not to sit next to the crazy looking girl with blue hair. It wasn’t like this flight was all that crowded anyway. Who the fuck flies from Virginia to Texas on a Saturday in April? It seemed like mostly business people and little old me.

I took off my slippers and flexed my toes, reminding myself that I did have bodily needs that I’d have to take care of on this flight. Sitting still for the next five hours would be a very bad idea. Then again, my whole life seemed to be a string of bad ideas so what was one more?

“Would you like something to drink?” A cheery flight attendant asked me. I looked at her from behind my sunglasses, trying to determine what I should ask for.

“Coffee would be nice. Do you have a drinks menu?” Here was one more bad idea for my list. She handed me the little menu. I ignored the prices and scanned the list for something to take the edge off the ax hanging over my head. “Can you put a shot of Bailey’s in my coffee?” That would help for now. When I got on my next flight in Dallas I’d probably order some gin. No need to make this flight attendant think I was a junkie and a drunk.

“Sure thing.” She wheeled off her little trolley, leaving me with some crackers. They tasted like sawdust so I tossed them onto the seat next to me. I focused on the hearts decorating my socks, willing myself to stay on that until she came back with my booze spiked coffee. If I was going to give myself mental damage, I might as well feel out of control while I do it.

It tasted like she’d poured a generous amount of Baileys into it. I wondered if you could tip a flight attendant. I pushed up the window shade and leaned against the window, looking out over the gray landscape below. Virginia truly was a wet hellhole. I was surprised we were even allowed to take off today. Taking a deep breath, I began to try to make sense of the events of the past day.

Myles had written a song about me, a few months after I left. The lyrics were practically drilled into my head at this point and I mulled them over, trying to make them fit into what I thought I’d known and what he’d revealed last night. He’d cut off communication to try to push me into a fresh start, a new life without him. Apparently he’d felt rather guilty about that and wondered who was going to watch over me now that he wasn’t there. Somehow, the knowledge that he had worried about me made me feel a tiny bit better about the whole situation. At least he hadn’t just sent me off without even the slightest care that I might be struggling. What he didn’t know was how bad it had gotten. There were times during that summer that I had seriously considered killing myself. I was a lost little girl who had had the rug ripped out from under her not once but twice. Without Cissy hounding my ass, I probably never would have even moved in to college. I know she pulled Lola aside that day and told her to watch me.

Lola had been my stroke of good fortune. She was brash and blunt and a little too knowing for her own good, but she propped me up until I could stand on my own. There was never that awkward get-to-know-your-roommate phase. She cuddled me the first night we were in our dorm together, made sure I ate and took my medication. She would tell me later she dreamed about me before we’d even met face to face. She knew that we would be incredibly close by the end of the year. Letting her take care of me was the best decision I ever made. She was exactly what I needed to bring me back to life; she gave me my music back.