Trapped in Forever

60 ~ So Unlike Me

I had settled into the metallic, somewhat lukewarm back of my chair after I had heard the announcer proclaim her name into the microphone, his lips too close to the rounded surface and I heard the faint subtle sounds of his saliva projecting against the microphone as his voice echoed from the speakers on either side of the dark beige piano on the other side of the stage, and I felt the tremors of vibration within the pocket of my shorts, quivering the skin of my thigh, and I glanced down at the bulk of my phone, nestled around the yellow denim of my shorts, the light of the screen faintly emitting through the denim. I took one last look of the stage as Kara stepped forward and out of the gathering of maroon curtains that draped over both of the sides of the stage, and her dress glittered underneath the auditorium’s illumination from rectangular light bolted to the ceiling over our heads in two rows. The hem of her dress touched the uneven floorboards of the stage and there were flickering glimpses of her opened-toed shoes as she walked, a flash of the black soles and the glint of silver toenails, and the skirt flowed as she walked, a faint train behind her to slither on the ground in her wake as she made her way across the stage, and her corset was constructed of glittering teal sequins that slightly resembled a disco ball. Her hair was straight and smooth, so glossy I was sure the reflection of the judges had to be caught in her black tresses, and her smile was directed toward them, twirling and blowing the older one of the judges, the only man with a balding head and a dull green vest, a kiss. She stumbled for a moment as she brought her twirl to an end, and her blush seemed more noticeable on her pale skin but I ignored this as I reached my fingers into my pocket and pulled out my phone.

Bruce Wayne was written in pixelated letters on the screen of my iPhone, and it shook in my fingers I looked down at the two options, one red and the other green, both of the telephone symbols on them, and I considered taking his call, but just long enough to tell him that I couldn’t talk right now, that I was watching Kara’s pageant not vomiting into a toilet bowl like I’m sure he thought I was doing, ignoring his calls only so I could use my fingers again to slip them down my throat, my knees brushing against the bottom of the toilet as I heaved.  I nibbled on my bottom lip as I looked down at the screen, and I wondered what his lips were readying themselves to say to me, if they were getting ready to reprimand me or break up with me, if they were getting ready to site off reasons how throwing up and not eating were dangerous or if he was going to tell me that he was ashamed of me, that Roxanne might have eaten chalk but at least she ate. I felt a twist of fear at the thought of Orion reacting to this the same way he had with Roxanne’s pica, if he would continue to distance himself until he revealed my secret to one of his friends with the eavesdropping ears of others lingering behind unseen corners.

And everyone knows what happened to her.

I didn’t have time to decide whether or not to accept his call, if I wanted to hear the words that he would say to me, the first words he would say to me since he told me that night that he knew about me, about the purging, about the reason why I was so fragile and baby bird like, so small he had said, or if I wanted to let those words drift into the endlessness of voicemails, unheard and unwanted, the words equipped to destroy what little I felt I had. I didn’t have time to press my thumb onto either of the options because of the gasp that Reese sucked in, the one that made me pause, my thumb hovering over the screen of my phone, and I turned to look at her but she was standing up, my eyes falling on her middle section instead and she shoved past me, the backside of her knees bumping into mine, and she was running for the stage, the sound of her sandals hitting the soles of her feet were the only sound I could hear before I heard the crowd reacting too, some of them standing up to glance over the multicolored heads of others in the audience to verify what they saw. Veronica was standing up beside me too, her lips moving but I couldn’t perceive what she was saying, her voice lost in the crowd, mingling with the other snippets of voices and gasps. But that didn’t matter because I had caught a small glimpse of what Reese was running towards, her hair fluttering like the end of a flaming red cape.