"Need more friends with wings, all the angels I know put concrete in my veins."
Every time I look at him, my blood starts to simmer. His conniving smirk and large, doe eyes peering at me. I fucking hate him.
All it took was one class to ruin my life. One Facebook post to ruin my school life.
I need better friends, don't I? Good friends make you feel welcome and happy, not make you upset and make fun of you.
"I'd always walk home alone. So I became lifeless just like my telephone."
I can't even walk in the school anymore, let alone get a ride from people my parents hire to take me home. Why are people so incompetent?
Of course, people don't hang around me anymore. Mainly because Aleks and his goons target me. He hurled a skateboard at me. Thankfully managed to dodge it just in time, but this is mental torture.
"There's nothing to lose when no one knows your name. There's nothing to gain, but the days don't seem to change."
My music blasts through my earphones every day, drowning out the horrible comments and it manages to make my school environment just about bearable.
Walking past my friends has become a daily habit, watching their condescending faces smile at me has become a daily habit also.
I'm so lonely.
"Never played truth or dare, I'd have to check my mirror to see if I'm still here."
I've never had enough friends, not even enough to play truth or dare. I've never fit into a 'friendship group'. Not that anyone would like me, the 'fucking homo' in their friendship group.
Do I exist? I'm practically floating around through my daily life, a shell of my former self. I don't feel alive anymore, or happy.
"My parents had no clue that I ate all my lunches alone in the bathroom."
They were always too busy, weren't they? They never had a clue about what I was feeling, or what was happening.
It was always work, work, work. Getting put into hospital was what made them realise, especially when I decided to not come home. Fuck them. They don't care.
"There's nothing to lose when no one knows your name. There's nothing to gain, but the days don't seem to change."
Why do I bother? Why should I care? I don't have anything to lose, I have nothing.
So I joined the Suicide Room. These people accept me more than anyone ever has. I can be myself and not have people yell insults at me.
I want to stay here forever.
"There's nothing to lose, my notebook will explain. There's nothing to gain, and I can't fight the pain."
If anyone ever found what was on my laptop, they'd understand.
All the posts, all the hate and my chat logs from the Suicide Room. I doubt that'd happen though, everything stays the same. The world turns and turns and people die every day. I don't know if I can do this anymore.
I'm going insane.
"Teachers said its just a phase, when I grow up my children will probably do the same."
Not even my teachers noticed, they didn't pay me any attention and they definitely didn't care. If I ever had children, they'd do the same. It's always a phase, it's never serious because you're young. Yeah okay, fuck you.
"Kids just love to tease, I know it put me underground at seventeen."
You all think it's hilarious don't you? I'm the running joke, everyone, look at Dominik! The little emo faggot!
When I kill myself, you'll still be laughing, won't you? You'll be finding it hilarious that the 'emo faggot' killed himself, won't you?
You're the source of my problem.
I want it to stop.
"There's nothing to lose, when no one knows your name. There's nothing to gain, but the days don't seem to change."
Fuck it. I'm sick of every day being the same.
I can't stick up for myself, even bringing a gun to school didn't work. I'm so fucking useless.
I lied to Sylwia and said I had it under control, but I don't.
Do I have to repeat the cycle of endless bullshit?
I know I can stop it.
I can stop it.
I'm going to stop it.
"There's nothing to gain and I just died today."
...
Do widzenia. Wszystko dzięki pokojowi samobójstwu.
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dominik santorski : nothing to lose
Mystery / Thrillershort oneshot based off of sala samobojcow, aka the suicide room or 'hall of suicide'. trigger warnings for suicide, depression, homophobia and themes like that. i haven't written in ages, so i'm sorry if this is bad!