The moment I walk into to hospital room, I feel a shock flowing through my mind. I see a vulnerable little girl, she can't be any older than 12 or 13. I remember when I was that age. The vulnerability, the pain, the confused state of mind. My confused state of mind is still there. It hasn't subsided.
'Katy, can you tell me what happened exactly yesterday evening?' The usual questions we have to ask. I just wish I could do something to make her feel better. She tears up and answers with a cracking voice. 'I was walking home alone. then this guy from school suddenly emerged from an alley. I guess he was waiting for me..' I see the silent tear roll down her cheek and onto her hospital gown. 'I walk that route every week, after I finish my piano lessons, I go to a small restaurant and walk home afterwards.'
'Can you tell us his name? And can you describe his looks?' I ask her. I told Elliot to wait outside. He gives me this look, that I know too well. He wants to know what's going on. I've known him for quite some time now, I've forgotten how long. He is like my best friend and partner. I haven't told him all though. I'm just ashamed to tell him a few of my secrets. I can't trust him yet. Amanda walks in. 'Liv, should I help you? You look a bit distracted. I'll take it from here. Go do some paperwork.' I've told Rollins about those secrets a while ago. Isn't it strange that I feel more comfortable telling her than me telling it to Elliot? It might have something to do with the fact that Rollins understands me and she's a woman. I guess that's why it's easier to talk to her than to Stabler.
'Olivia, go. I'll take over. You need some rest.' She knows me well enough. 'I'm already on my way.' Stabler walks up to me as I exit the hospital room. 'How is she?' 'I don't know, all I can tell is that she's hurt and confused, Rollins took over.' Elliot frowns. 'I'll tell Cragen you went home sick. Is that okay?' 'I guess so.' Elliot grabs his phone and calls Cragen. 'Olivia wasn't feeling well, so she went home.' His phone sound is a little too hard. 'Why couldn't she call herself?' 'She felt so sick that she ran off immediately. She'll be fine.' I hear as I am making my way to the hospital exit. This is my job, but I hate hospitals. I've been in Mercy General too many times.
I put my keys into my lock and open the door. I'm finally home. Seeing that girl lying in the hospital bed reminded me of my first time in the hospital. I must've been about her age.
I walk into my bedroom and grab my journal. I've been writing it for years. I decide to read some pages back.
I wish all the evil in this world didn't exist. I don't believe in anything anymore. I can't take this pain. I cannot live like this any longer. When will all the pain and confusion end? When will it all subside? Would it be easier if I just took my life? I would be dead, but I would cause endless suffering for my surroundings. I would never hurt them. But I do think about killing myself almost daily. It scares me to death. How did I get this way? What did I ever do wrong to deserve all this pain? Why do I feel this way all the time? I've found a way out, without ending my life. But this way scares me. It has taken over my mind and my thoughts. I want to stop, but it's an addiction and I cannot help it. That is what scares me.
Isn't it strange that I still feel the same way, after all those fucking years? I've confided in someone, but how long will Amanda be able to keep my secrets? Will she really keep them, or betray me like everyone else I ever trusted, including my entire family. I read another page.
This is not what I was expecting from life. When you're little, you want to grow up, but no one tells you, that you might end up in hell on earth. Why is it so hard? Why can't I be like other girls my age? Why won't I fit in? It's because I'm a freak, a pathetic loser who will never amount to anything. I will never have a succesful job or even a pretty friend, I will never have someone to talk to. And if I do, they're going to leave me after a while anyway. It's hard to deal with me, so why would they even bother. No one really cares about you unless you're beautiful or dead. Why can't we just show that we love people, and not only when it's too late for that. What if I faked my own death? I would be able to see who cares and who doesn't.
I feel worse than I did when I got home. I know I shouldn't have read those pages. They trigger me so much and I know. I'm just stupid. I can't do anything right, so what's the point in trying. I can't even keep away from the addictions. This is sad, because I am a cop and I should be able to handle my work, but some of the victims have a huge impact on me. Like Katy. She resembles me when I was her age. Would her diary be filled with the same thoughts? I hope not, she has her whole life in front of her.
I walk into kitchen. I open my fridge and there's a bottle of wine left, so I decide to drink it. The bottle is empty within 15 minutes. I open the cabinet and there's another bottle. That one is also gone quickly. I start to feel lightheaded and I know the alcohol is starting to do its work. It makes me forget. Just what I need. But only alcohol isn't enough. I open a drawer and there's a small pill bottle of Lithium - prescribed by my shrink. I've got the prescription, but I don't go to him anymore. I can just get Lithium every time I go to the local pharmacy. I know I shouldn't mix them with alcohol. I do it anyway. It's the only way I can forget everything.
Half an hour after I take them, I start to feel dizzy. That's not a good sign. I reach for my phone and speed dial Amanda. I can't call Elliot. He won't understand. 'Olivia, why are you calling at 1 am?' I look to the kitchen clock. 'I.. I.. feel so disszzzyy.' 'Are you okay, Liv? What happened?' I don't know how to answer.. I feel so trapped right now. 'I.. had 2 bottles of wine... and..' I cannot tell her. Her worried voice rings through my ears. 'Olivia, you've had more than just wine. What is it?' Should I tell her? 'I.. I had soneme Lithium wissht ist.' I can't hold the phone anymore, and my balance is off. I've been trained to sit down in this moments. I sit down and I drop the phone. It makes a loud thud. 'Liv, PLEASE ANSWER' Amanda's voice through the phone. I can't control my body anymore and I drop to the floor.
