I try to open my eyes, but it's hard. I hear a voice in the distance and it sounds familiar. It's the voice of a woman. I can't tell who, but I surely know her.
'Olivia. Why did you take Lithium and alcohol? Girl, what has been happening to you?' I guess that must be Rollins. 'I'm just not worth it. Please let me go.' 'Liv, please. You know you're the only one that kept me going for so long? Please hold on. SVU wouldn't be the same without you.'
The last words I heard as I slipped into darkness again. I guess that is the aftermath of mixing alcohol and antidepressants. I should have known better. I am a detective at SVU. I wonder why and when I decided to do this job. It reminds me so much of my childhood and the pain I suffer from, still, after all those years.
Those victims, aged 12-14, they remind me of myself at that age. Scared, lonely, assaulted, raped. I feel so sorry for them.
When I wake up again, it is dark outside. I must have been asleep for ages. I need a moment to adjust to the dim hospital light. I see someone sitting next to me. Blonde hair. Rollins.
'Amanda, why are you here?' My voice sounds terrible. 'Because you're more than just my colleague. You are the one person on the team that is strong. Or at least we thought so. What is going on in your mind? You did not want to die, that's for sure, otherwise you wouldn't have made that call to me.'
'We? Who else knows I'm in the hospital?' I ask fluttered.
'The squad knows. Munch, Fin, Elliot, Cragen. I had to tell them why you didn't show at your shift.'
'Damn.. They will all know Benson is a pathetic loser who failed killing herself.'
'Olivia! Do not talk like that. You know we all love you and we are worried.' Tears forming in her eyes. I am surprised. Rollins never cried before. At least not in front of anyone.
'Olivia.. Why? What is going on. I know some things . Is this attempt related to what you told me? Why did you do this?'
Tears start forming in my eyes as I hear the genuine worry in Amanda's voice.
' I.. I ..' I don't know what to tell her. ' can't.. tell .... you ... just ... yet...'
Silence in the hospital room I am laying in. The nurse walks in. 'Miss Benson? We need to check your bloos values, to see if the deadly coctail you took is going down. You were lucky this girl' she looks at Rollins 'called 911 on time. A few seconds later and you would have been gone.'
I can not express how thankful, yet how I sorry I am that I failed my deadly coctail.
'Liv, I should go, they're expecting me back at the office. I'll visit again as soon as possible.'
This girl.. she is amazing! She saved my life. I am still not sure if I am happy with being alive.. Death seemed so much easier than living in this hell.
'Yeah. Fine. See you. Bye'
'Bye. Take good care of yourself!'
'Whatever' I mumble under my breath. I won't live that long anymore. Not if it is in my hands. I can not go on this way. The memories.. being a product of rape.. being assaulted myself. I don't know if I can keep this way going the way it is. Life.
A strange word. I want to live. But I want to die. 'Miss Benson, could you squeeze this ball please?' The nurse wakes me from my dreamy state. I squeeze the ball as the nurse tries to find a vein to draw blood from. How many times I've stuck a needle in my legs.. I wonder if the doctors discovered that secret already.
