Through Chaos as it Swirls

Chapter 4

Chris' Point of View

  " Yes some people like their night walks" Jonny says with both of us breaking out into fits of giggles. Something I haven't done in awhile. I watch him as he walks out to be his weird self. After the door closes I sigh, at life, and at him, the bloke I fancy.

I decide I should work on my essay due for English. I sit down and begin. The essay is on the current book we just read. Hamlet by the one and only William Shakespeare. Someone add in an enthusiastic woo. As I gather my outline for my essay my mind drifts off to my sexuality.

Bisexual.

I, of course, except myself, after the years of cuts and confusion, I'm finally okay with being me. Yet I know my mom would flip and my dad might as well murder me, if i show them the real me. That is the one thing I can't accept. I could be wrong, but knowing me I'm not. That what scares me about it all, because i know coming out means I lose them and I'm not ready for it. A tear slips onto my outline so I wipe the next and bring myself back on task.

'Knock it off asshole." I think to myself. I stay for about an half hour with a good page and a half done. To say the very least I'm proud of myself. I also realize its 9:30 and Jay isn't back yet. Oh Jay. So I decided to check on him. To make sure my man is alive. 

"Hey Jay! How is your is night walk?!" 

Then I hear his phone go off, I look at his neatly made bed to see it. I also notice I have a heart by my name. I could die of his cuteness, and the fact he also thinks I'm somewhat attractive. I'm defiantly shocked.

I pick up his phone and mine, plus a hoodie, and make my way out the door. I see Jonny ahead and a girl from one of my classes, her name is Lillie, I hope. She is closer to me, Jonny has his brisk football mum walk going, with his ass looking great. Lillie turns around and says a little too happy "Hey Chris!"  "Hey.. Lillie?" " Yup Lillie, so Chris can you do me a favor?" Of course, strait into a favor, no small talk. " What's up?" 

After telling me what seems to be her life story she points to her ex, he looks like Jonnys friends boyfriend Sam but who knows. " So I need you to kiss me so that I am in a relationship." " Childish much" " Oh shut up Chris, are you going to or not. Its just a little kiss. " I guess. I don't reply I just lean in, the bloke she is talking about isn't even looking when I kiss her, but guess who is. 

Jonny, fuck my life.

I see he turns around and jogs to the dorms. I don't even say anything to Lillie as i go and chase after him.

But when he gets in the building i stop running and let the tears stream Why am i so stupid. Who agrees to something like that in the first place. I'm such a fucking idiot, no wonder i have no friends.

I begin to walk to the dorm as more negative thoughts flood to my head. I get in the room and let out a quick sob. I go to my desk and go into the draw and reach for my trusty blade. I then walk into the bathroom and lock the door. Letting out a few more sobs and fuck you's i pull of my sweats to reveal the scars fro  my other sessions of fun. 

Crying I choke out " This one is for being so stupid". I run the blade across my leg and i begin to see blood. Blood, how do I have that I'm not human. I continue to cut until I've had enough. Then I pull up my sweats, clean the cuts and sanitize the blade for next time. I then put the blade in my pocket because I'm not trying to be caught by anyone.