Dear, H.
I knew you for six years. We talked all the time about just anything. I've never felt so attached to anyone. We flirted constantly, and I can't believe it took us over five years to be able to date each other.
We were always "just friends", even though we both got so jealous of anyone else who tried talking to the other. You only lived a little more than two hours away but we only met each other in person once before we started dating.
For the first two years or so, it was pretty casual. Then you met someone and lied to me about it.
You messaged me on Snapchat and Kik so she wouldn't see, but you never told me about her.
One day you left your phone without deleting our conversation and she saw it, then informed me of your relationship status. My heart broke more than once that day when I realized I'd helped you cheat on this girl. She told me she moved from California to be here with you. She called me a slut, and a whore, and a homewrecker. And I did believe all of those things for a very long time, because I could just not find it in myself to blame you. I couldn't find it in myself to hate you. I couldn't find it in myself to resent you. Because I didn't. I'd loved you from day one.
After I found out about her, I left you alone. This was very hard for me, being you'd been the only stable thing I'd ever had in my life... But it was all a lie.
About a year later, you messaged me out of the blue and I was so shocked. I went off on you, only to tell you that I loved you two minutes later, because I did, and I had from the moment we met. You told me you were sorry and you would've told me if you knew how. I bought it. I forgave you and I let myself open up to you again.
Four months later I had the chance to meet you. I took the hour and a half long drive to the beach and took the ferry over to the other side. I shook and trimbled the whole time. I'd never been more anxious for anything.
I'm half way there, when I get a messages from you saying "don't come". My heart sank into my stomach and that was the first real time I can recall being let down by you. I pulled off to the side of the road and cried for over an hour. I sucked it up and turned around and headed home. Fifteen minutes pass by and I get another message saying "I'm sorry, you can come now.". So I turn back around again, and I head for your house. You then message me a new address which with I am unfamiliar, and request to be picked up there. I finally get there, after this agonizing drive, and I see you, and you're standing there, tall, long hair, grey shirt, blue jeans, and I can't breathe. You're beautiful. Absolutely breath taking. I never would've guessed your scent, but now I can't forget it.
I stepped out of the car to see your friends standing by the door, I asked if I could meet them and you said "another time". I shook the suspicion from my head and handed you the keys and asked you to drive, for I'd been driving for hours and didn't know where we were going. You backed out of the drive way, putting your hand on the back of the passenger seat, where I sat, and looked behind you. I loved the little crinkles around your nose that appeared when you were concentrating.
I finally work up the nerve to ask you why I met you at your friends house, instead of yours, and you say bluntly... "J. is there". I didn't say a word. I couldn't believe it. You didn't honestly expect something to happen between us while I knew you had a girlfriend waiting for you when you got home, did you?
You say "I'm not really sure where we should go" as you pull into the mall parking lot. I asked if you'd like to see a movie, and you rejected the suggestion, because you said "If you want to sit in a dark room, with background noise, we should just get a hotel, because I wouldn't end up watching the movie." I was so attracted to you, but I couldn't keep the thought of your FUCKING GIRLFRIEND out of my head. So we walked around for about two hours before you said you needed to get back to her before she got suspicious. I nod, defeated, and head for the car. You had me drop you off on the side of the road two streets or so over, so she didn't somehow see me drive off.
I went home and screamed and cried and hated myself. I didn't even hug you.
You went back to blocking me and unblocking me when she wasn't around. I went off on you again and again only to forgive you and continue on with your games.
Two years had past since I'd last heard from you, and I too, had met someone. A great guy who treated me like no one I'd ever known. He did live four hours away, however and in the time we were together, we Skype called every night and messaged one another constantly, and the day I met him in person, I found a piece of me that I didn't even know existed. I never would've met him, if it hadn't been for my best friend. She lives states away, but she keeps me grounded.
So I'm dating this guy for a couple years and things were great.. Until you popped up.
I told you I was happy and in a relationship and that was the first time I've ever seen you angry with me. You were so hypocritical.
You got over it a few days later, and apologized for blowing up on me. Like always, I forgave you. I spoke to you as a friend. No flirting, no teasing, and it just didn't feel like I was talking to you then. You were so blunt and cold and short with me.
Out of curiosity, I checked your Facebook. I then see J.'s Facebook, and click on it.
She's pregnant. She's seven months pregnant. She's seven months pregnant with your child. She's seven months pregnant with your daughter. She's seven months pregnant with your daughter, and you didn't even tell me. I asked you about it, and you again, flipped out on me. You apologized a million times that it happened and swore to me you didn't love her anymore. She saw that we were speaking again, and threatened to kill me. She blamed me for the fact she didn't want you around your daughter once she was born. She again, called me a whore and a homewrecker.
I then decided that it was my turn to block you. It wasn't healthy for either of our relationships and it wasn't morally right.
A few months later, the guy I'm with and I decide it'd be better for us to see other people. It was a mutual decision, and he and I are still very close. We've come to an agreement that if there ever come a time where we're able to be together in a simpler state, we will, because we do still very much love one another.
Eight months has passed and I began to think about you again, so I unblocked you and my screen flooded with messages from your account. Some from you, and some from her. Your daughter is beautiful. I hope she has the father I never did. I reply with a simple "I'm sorry.". You read it and leave me on "R". I'm now regretting the message, though I felt it needed to be said. You message back several hours later. "You and me both". I didn't really expect you to reply, but if you hadn't, we wouldnt have gotten to be together. We were serious and told each other the blunt truth. Or at least was was supposed to be true. You tell me you and her had broken up for good. That she'd moved out and taken the baby. I told you not to give up fighting for your daughter. And you didn't.. For a while.
About a month went by when you asked to see me. I was all for it, and came to spend a weekend with you. I met your mom, and a lot of your friends. They were all so great. I know they weren't trying to offend me when they said "I'm so glad you got rid of J." or "This isn't going to be like J., is it?", but I was offended. I've known you for years and they'd never even heard my name. All of a sudden "baby mama" is out of the picture and you have "a new project at work". I still am not entirely sure what that meant.
The second night I'm there, I lie down next to you, and you put your arms around me. I looked over at you and you kissed my forehead, and smiled. I smiled back, then kissed your cheek. You then grabbed my face and kissed me and it was a meaningful, magical, unforgettable kiss. It turned into more than a kiss. It wasn't just sex. It was love. We made love and it was true, and real, and heartfelt, and passionate, and I'll never forget it. You looked me right in the eyes, and said "I love you." And I smiled. I smiled so big my cheeks hurt. I opened my mouth to say it back, but before I could, you asked me to be your girlfriend. I said yes.
A week later, I moved into my own apartment with my friend. She asked me to ask you to help us move our things, so I did. Once we were done moving, she made a joke about you moving in. You took it seriously, and stayed. I didn't know how I was supposed to tell you she was kidding and I wasn't ready to be living with someone I was dating and had only been dating for such a short period of time. The first few days were fine, but then you started acting out. You'd start arguments with me for no reason, you'd get jealous when I wanted to spend time with my friend alone, you'd slam doors, and lock yourself in my room, therefore locking me out of my room. You were acting like a teenage girl fighting with her mother. I started picking out all of your flaws and I didn't even realize it. You were messy, and you left your dishes in my room, which made me crazy. You never washed your laundry, therefore hardly wore clean clothes. You didn't pick up after yourself in the kitchen or the bathroom. You started smoking cigarettes, which made your hair and clothes smell like ashes which bugged me. I told you that if you had planned to stay, you needed to find a job, and get your own mode of transportation. I wasn't trying to be rude, but you sitting home all day, eating food you don't pay for, using dishes you don't clean, playing video games you didn't buy, using electricity you don't pay for, etc., etc., etc. all while I worked and went to school, wasn't helping anyone. You picked up appications, but I never saw you turn any in, except for one. You were here for two months and I sheltered you, and paid for your necessities, and even had you come on a family trip, with me. I tried really hard but you pushed harder. You pushed me away and locked me out (no pun intended) , and that really hurt. And the thing that made me most crazy, was the fact that when you were upset, you wouldnt have a face to face conversation with me. You'd text me to tell me what was wrong or threaten to leave. I never told you to go, but I also never asked you to stay.
At the end of those two months, it didn't even feel like we were dating anymore. You were always angry with me for something and would sleep in the other room. I eventually started locking my door when I went to sleep. I grew bitter of you. I began to resent you. And then one day, the apartment complex left a note stating you weren't allowed to be there if you weren't on the lease. I don't even feel bad for saying that I got lucky with that. I was at my family's house, when you walked out because you said they were "talking shit" about you. They weren't. They were trying to help me tell you that you had to go. You started yelling at me so I just said it, no regret. "You're not allowed to stay with me anymore, because you're not on the lease, and you don't have the money to pay an application fee." You stopped talking for a minute then started throwing a pity party. "I don't have anywhere to go" you said even though you'd always said you'd leave and go to your fathers, but we offered you money to help. "I don't have any way to get to a place I can be." you stated, and we offered to get you a bus ticket or drive you there. Every offer we put out, you rudely rejected, then went on to threaten to kill yourself, which is an absolute pathetic way to get anything you want, that's coming from a person who's experienced the loss of suicide, the attempts of suicide, and the true agony of the lasting results. At that point I truly did lose all respect for you. I'm not a very epithetic person, and you trying to corner me, and trap me like that is a sorry and low thing to do, and made me realize I shouldn't feel bad for you anyways. You screamed at me that you were ready to leave. My mom told you not to be or do anything crazy while we're making the hour drive back home. You scream at me telling me she's attacking you, when she's only defending me. I get in the drivers seat, because I honestly don't trust you at this point, and I start driving home. You're still and silent the whole ride. I had to stop to pick up my roommate from their parents, and the moment we get there, you fling your door open and start making sounds as if your vomiting, which in fact, you weren't. My roommate gets in the car, and doesn't say anything other than "hello" for they had a bit of a prior warning as to what was going on. I start moving the car and you slam your head down on your knee and let your body fall over in the direction which I turned. You were so used to getting what you wanted and when you didn't, you'd throw a tantrum until everyone felt bad for you, and your whole family had already told me that. I am not stupid and I am not naive and I knew exactly what you were doing because when I was younger, I did the same damn thing for attention.
We got back to my apartment, and you hurried out of the car and threw yourself onto the ground, and resumed your vomiting noises as we stood there next to you, while no real vomit came up this time either. You were so full of it. You went inside and locked yourself in the guest room. I told you that you didn't have to leave right then, and that I'd give you some time to figure out where you could go. You stayed for another two days before finally asking "are we even dating anymore?" To which I replied "I'm not sure, do you want to be?" And we went back and forth over text, all day while I was in class. You got so irritated when I'd take too long to reply, even though you obviously knew I was busy. You tried to use me and manipulate me, and in the beginning I was kind of okay with it, but towards the end, I couldn't deal with it. That was so unfair; the position you put me in. I'm young and you're a grown man relying on me to be your food and shelter. That's not fair.
The next day, you asked me one more time. "Are we still dating?" to which I replied "I don't think so." Then I got in the shower to get ready for work, and while I was out of the room, you went in with grocery bags and packed a few of your things and started walking. You messaged me several hours later to tell me that you'd left, which I'd obviously figured out. I asked if you wanted the rest of your things, being you did leave quite a lot, but you told me to throw it away. I left it in the storage closet outside, unlocked, which I told you and gave you permission to come get it, but you never did. About three days past, before i heard from you. You messaged me on Instagram and said "please don't respond to this. I just needed to tell you this while I finish up this bottle. I'm sincerely sorry for how I was to you, I'm sorry for not being who I truly am and I'm sorry for causing all the pain and trouble that I did. I'm sorry for everything and I wih u the best in life and that u find someone you truly enjoy and makes you happy. Have a great life and good luck." to which I did reply "I'm only replying so you know I acknowledge this, and you. I don't want to not reply and have you believe I never cared. Because that's not true. That's all I'll say. I hope you're safe and I hope everything goes well for you. I know I'm a couple days late, but I didn't know if I was supposed to tell you, but happy birthday. I'm sorry it got ruined. Have a good life. I truly do wish you the best and I hope you get everything you saught out for." to what you answered with "All ill say is no one will be hearing from me for quite a while soon. Once I get tired of drinking I intend to check myself into a hospital. We have two different views on the matter and two different views on feelings." and my final message to you was "You can't drink yourself to death and you can't rely on someone else to provide you happiness." To what you did not reply. You made posts about me, but you didn't mention my name. You told people nothing of what had happened, to my knowledge.
And after all of this, you went back to your daughters mother, after saying time and time again that you will never put youself through that hell again, and now you're moving out of state without her or your daughter.
I just wanted to say thank you for ever making me smile, and screw you for being shitty enough to try to make me feel guilty for doing what is best for myself, and one final fuck you for ever making anyone feel like they're responsible for the choices you make in your life. Grow up.
Sincerely,
Your (now bitter) ex.
