I love you

2

"No!"

Again.

The same nightmare, again.

It isn't leaving me, ever.

I look at the four smiling faces on my desk. Our family. This picture always made me smile but now it's just a memory leaving pain in my heart. It's of me, Allie, Mama and Papa. That was the last time when I was truly happy. The rides, the meeting of all the Disney characters; it was paradise, yet also the worst day of my life. Today is a day of pain and sadness; Papa's 40th birthday. He was the one to wake us all up and shout with joy "It's my birthday!" and would wait like an inpatient child for his presents; but this isn't happening today, not ever again. He left behind fantastic memories and his family.

But he is here. He definitely is here, looking at each one of my moves trying to talk but knows that I can't see him. However I do feel him.

"Papa" I say out loud. "I know you're here, and I want to wish you a happy birthday"

I was expecting a book to fall of a shelf or even feel the wind, but no. That happens only in books and films. In reality you can't see them, their spirits are invisible, transparent. But I wish that one day, just one day or even one minute I could see Papa's eyes and smile to say that it's going to be okay.

"Papa, you're here right?" I say once more looking around the room expecting something to happen, but nothing does. "I believe in you Papa. I know you're here and I believe in you. I love you." I say once more with watery eyes and walk out of my room.

I aim to go to the kitchen however as I walk past Allie's room the handle moves and the door opens. I peak through and notice that Allie didn't open it. "Papa?" I whisper and feel myself walking inside. Allie's room is left in the same state as it was when I was here last night, I go over to her bathroom and notice Allie on the floor curled into a ball. I run to her and notice that there's no blood or razor.

"Allie?"

"Today is-" she stops as tears run down her cheeks.

"Papa's birthday." I finish her off. She cries more on the floor. She doesn't deserve to be crying on the floor like she is weak. She is definitely the opposite; she is strong, confident, beautiful and absolutely worth it. She has no right to be on floor, she has no right. I look at her and notice that she is slyly reaching for the razor, I grab it from her and throw it away from me. She runs after it but I am faster and get it and lift it above my head while she tries to jump to get it.

"Give it to me!" She shouts.

"No!"

"Give it!"

She lunges at me and in a short second I notice that her innocent blue eyes have a hint of red fire in them, as if she's no longer my Allie but a criminal desperate to get their weapon. She punches me in the face as I tumble back. She has never punched me before.

"Give it." She demands.

"Never."

"I said give it!"

"You want me to call Mama?"

"She doesn't care."

"She does!"

"No one does!" She stops in front of me breathing heavily. "No one cares, don't you see that?! Are you that blind?!" She yells.

"Where's my Allie?" I whisper.

"I am here you blind rat" She says. "Now give it to me. Now." She says as if she's giving me a threat. The fire in her eyes grows stronger with every second that I hold the razor. Her eyes turn red and that's when I truly lost my Allie. She punches my stomach and then my face and pushes me to the floor with the razor still in my hand; I hold it so tight that I can feel some of my blood escaping through my skin. Allie can't get the razor, however if she doesn't get it she'll think of another way to cause herself harm. With Allie sitting on my back throwing punches across my head to my back I throw the razor and she dives after it, grabs it and runs to the bathroom and shuts the door.

The door opens slightly as if somebody pushed it for me to see what's happening inside and I observe everything. Allie too busy to even notice the door open, she takes the razor and starts cutting on her right arm furiously. Then when she runs out of space she takes the razor and this time observes how the razor enters her left arm. How the sharp blades comes into contact with her pale, fragile skin and the blood escaping. As the blood leaves it slowly shifts from a flaming red, to a dark red, almost black. The blood drips from her arm to the bathroom floor. Drip, drip, drip. Her eyes focused on making more marks on her body. This isn't my Allie.

I just hope that one day I will wake up from this nightmare.

As I look around I see my reflection in the mirror. I look at my immobile body, as if it were dead but I'm very much alive. My legs sunken into the floor, my back moving slowly up and down with every breath hiding the bruised stomach underneath. Then my face. It doesn't look like nothing before. My lip covered with dried blood, my cheek slowly shifting from a pink into a purple. Lastly my eyes, I can see them both reflecting from the mirror looking at each other, looking at the dark circles being formed larger and larger.

Allie didn't do this to me, it was someone else in her that caused this mess, this nightmare.