I'm just so fucking tired.
I know I say it a lot to a lot of people, but its true, and I cannot express it enough.
For the past four years its been hard to get out of bed and move and eat and do school work and keep up with time and find motivation and make friends and please my parents and block out the fighting and the anxiety and depression and anorexia and the bulimia and the "suicidal thoughts" and the self harm and its hard to just breathe.
I know, this is just another rant from another depressed teenager seeking attention. Whatever. I don't care anymore. My brain is to cluttered to I need to just let some of it out.
Part of me thinks I'm getting better, and I want to believe it. I've been eating normally. I haven't cut in what feels like forever. I haven't purged in a few weeks.
But the other part of me is on firefirefire.
My eyes linger on certain parts of my body in the mirror for too long to be considered 'okay'
Fatfatfatfat
Time it messing with my head and everything is either slow in reverse or it went by too fast.
Never just right.
It's becoming harder to get out of bed in the morning and its becoming harder to care.
Its hard to study and pay attention and focus.
Its hard to ignore the fighting.
Mom vs dad, dad vs 'stepmom', mom vs child 1,2,3,4,
dad vs child 1,2,3,4, mom vs baby daddy, mom vs daughter about baby daddy,
dad vs daughters grades, dad and mom and step mom vs child 2,3s grades, momvsdadvsstepmom, daughter vs everything/body.
And I would be lying if I said I didn't want to cut/die/&!($.-!&($.! More than not. Sorry, its the truth.
Do it.
And the voices
The ones in my head saying all of the bad things. Tsk tsk tsk. 'disappointment'
My dad doesn't even ask about me anymore. Great.
He didn't talk to me at all today except when he said that I had to walk to the volleyball game today because he wasn't going to take me. Cool.
And the stress and anxiety and depression and EVERYTHING makes it so hard to keep going.
Sometimes I'll walk home in the middle of the road hoping that I'll just-
If I said everything I wanted to say, I'd have a novel. But you see, I'm just too tired to write anymore.
