Tears Behind Our Eyes: A Prequel

Prologue

Have you ever thought about what dying would feel like? Have you ever felt, like, "Today is the day I will no longer exist; today is the day all my friends and family will continue their lives and I'll be left behind"? It's weird to think about-- the concept of death. Will I die slow and in pain? Will I die fast and not feel a thing,and just instantly be sent to wherever?

That's another thing. Heaven or Hell? Have I been a good, moral person that is sent somewhere I'll be happy for eternity? Or is Hell where I belong? What if Heaven and Hell are just myths that parents talk about to scare kids into being truthful, kind, whatever else they make up the requirements to be?

Is Hell really burning hot? If Heaven and Hell are supposed to be opposite, does that mean Heaven is icy cold? Is Heaven really a place of paradise or are there different Heavens specifically designed for you. Customized. Or is it like a village you can stroll down and spot Jesus, greet him with a bro-hug? Be like, "What's up, man?"

Or are you just floating in an oblivion of you don't know where. Just pitch black with other dead people, the ones you know, not necessarily separated into good versus evil. Is there a place for specific religions? All the subcategories of Christians in their separate Heaven, Jews together, Catholics, Atheists, and so on. Is there like a trial to see what section you belong in? Do you get to choose, if the answer isn't obvious already? Is there a secret third option, like in Grey's Anatomy when Izzy sees that dead guy Denny before she realizes she has cancer-- are you allowed to haunt someone if it'll bring you happiness?

What about if a person did good their whole life then near the end, they kill someone? Do all the good things shrink the one bad? Or is it like math, a negative plus a lesser positive turns the sum a negative number?

What about suicide? It's not a natural way to die, it's not being murdered by another individual? Does that change the whole Game of Life--er, technically Game of Death?

I'll tell you what, I've thought about dying more than once. More than ten times. I've thought about killing myself over and over. But I've never done it. You know why? I don't. Please, if you know, share. I guess, I just never worked up the guts to actually go through with it, until the day she saved my life unknowingly.

I wasn't scared. I just didn't know how. I was in seventh grade, no person would sell a gun to a thirteen year old. Hanging myself wasn't logical, getting rope and tying the noose and hanging the rope somewhere to snap my neck just wasn't going to be easy. Or pleasant. Or painless. See, I know that sounds dumb, "I want to kill myself but I can't hang myself because it's not going be fun and easy and it's going to hurt." But really, how I thought about it, was I wanted to kill myself because I was already going through so much pain that I wanted it to end and at the same time, while I ended my pain, I didn't want to be in pain. Did that make sense? So, just by not wanting to be in more pain when I died, that canceled out jumping off a tall building, which met the "Easy" requirement in Seattle, Washington, and wrist cutting was already attempted and didn't go too well. Carbon monoxide wasn't an option, how the hell do you get that? Go up to someone in a store like Home Depot or something and ask, (as a thirteen year old, mind you), "Excuse me, I'm sorry to be a bother but do you by any chance have a bag of carbon monoxide?" Obvious answer: no! So it's clear that overdosing was an option, if you take sleeping pills, then it'll be painless and not quick but not noticeable.

Your mind is a battlefield... will you let all the bullshit in your life triumph and invade you like a Trojan Horse, killing the important life that you are, or will you overcome it, beat it down, and accomplish everything you're supposed to? If she came to school a day later, I'd be dead and missed out on everything good that outweighs all the bullshit. Suicide isn't an answer. It's an easy way out that makes you sacrifice all the good things that will come. It's cliche to say it gets better.

But it gets better. Don't do it. Be strong, no matter how much you resent me for saying it.