cold ➸ hemmings // au

Dear my beautiful Delilah;

You were always so clumsy, you know that, right? Of course you do. After all you did slip and bang your head. Everyone wants me to seek help, y'know? I don't want it though. I don't need it. I'm not really sure what's wrong with me, I just know I'm not okay.

You don't know the nights I spend crying my heart out over you. I miss you internally, but I'm also angry at you, furious in fact. You should've worn a helmet, life jacket, anything! but you didn't did you? You fell into the water, with my heart following closely.

I think we'd rather be angry at someone then let them make us sad. Sadness makes us vulnerable and Anger gives us power, anger puts us in a state of control. It's up to us to decide when to forgive. It makes us feel like we're better than the person who hurt us. When we allow ourselves to feel those pangs of heartache, we give that person who hurt us all the power. We fall into despair; a black hole where we feel too much at once. Anger gives us strength and a cold feeling that numbs everything within, like an early morning's frost, but both anger and sadness take parts of our heart, piece by piece, until there's nothing left but an empty being.

I think about you everyday. I should've caught you. I should've jumped in and rescued you, but I didn't. I couldn't reach far enough to wrap my arms around you. To feel your cold, wet body shivering underneath me. I wish I could, but you're gone.

You've been gone for a month or maybe two, it could've been a year, I wouldn't know, time is moving so fast and I don't want you to miss a thing.

Our bed's colder in the morning now that I don't wake up with you tucked up beside me, sometimes I'll forget you're gone and I'll go and look for you, you always loved to take night strolls. 'It clears my head,' you'd say, so I'd let you do it alone, all alone. I wish that was something we could have shared, I yearn to know what ran through your pretty little mind at 4 am,

but you're not out on your one of your night strolls and the bed's still cold.

Calum moved in two weeks after it happened. He says he didn't want me to be alone, but I know it was truly him who didn't want to be alone.

They sometimes find me on the jetty where it all happened, balancing one foot on the pole, the pole in which you fell. They all think I'm insane, I can tell by their eyes.

I know they miss you too Delilah, everyone's so careful to talk about you around me, as if I'd loose it completely, but I want them too. I want to talk about you, I want to talk about the way your bright eyes went wild when you smiled, how your creativity was a compass that lead you to what you loved, and the way your laughter was so melodic it was a song.

I hope I cross your mind once in a while just so I don't feel so pathetic for thinking about you all the time. My heart breaks every step I take because I could watch you for a single minute and find a thousand things that i love about you.

When I'm upset I shut myself down, I have no motivation for anything. I tell myself nobody cares, when I know they do. I think about all the negative things I could possibly think of. I give myself all the pain, thinking I deserve it. I'm not sure why I do that, but that's just how I am.

You're the first person who broke my heart. For the rest of my life, you'll always be the one who hurt me the most, but I still love you, don't worry.

I still can't get my head around the undeniable fact that you're gone, gone, you're gone Delilah, the words don't seem to make sense anymore, I don't think anything does.

It's like you're screaming and no one can hear, you almost feel ashamed that someone could be so important that without them you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts, you feel hopeless, like nothing can save you and when it's over, and it's gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back so that you could have the good.