Honestly sometimes I don't think people get me... I mean seriously it's true I mean yeah there's things that naturally people can tell that something is wrong but otherwise no one understands me. But I'm not sayin that I hate it or anything that I want everyone to know about me. But I like how certain people know about me the me! But the thing is I really don't have anyone to tell my feelings or talk to anymore like how I like to talk to people. The way on how I can relate things and not be scared of what they think about me bcs their like my family and I love them. I miss those people in my life and they have no idea how it affects me I'm not saying that it's their fault or anything bcs it's mostly my fault I guess. But I really honestly just want someone to be here for me. To talk to. To trust in. To care about. I want someone like that in my life. I mean look at me I'm horrid I couldn't keep my last girlfriend with me, and yeah it maybe wasn't meant to be but look we don't even talk to each other at all anymore! It has honestly been like 7 month since I've talked to her. It's like I'm not even good enough to be her friend! How do you think that makes me feel? I feel worthless!!! And then again look at me my bestest friend in the whole entire world it's like we don't know each other anymore... I mean we've been through so much together. We've had soooo many fights but we always made up but our last fight was the worst and separated us for like three months and when we talked it wasn't the same again. Then she got a boyfriend and it felt like I was replaced and I wasn't that person to be the one to make her feel better, have a laugh anymore, make memories Hah forget that! That's what I thought.. But I'm not saying I'm jealous or anything bcs if he makes her happy then I'm glad for her (: but I wouldn't mind her talking to me it's like I'm no longer a part of life anymore. I just miss her soo much she doesn't know how much it pains me.
And then When people think everything is fine with me. It's just bcs I put a smile on my face and try to act like nothing is wrong at all but whatever thats a total lie and I know it. People don't know that I get depressed like very depressed it just strikes me out of no where and BAM down goes my self esteem :( I try to say to myself everything is okay but then I know it's not. And that's when I need someone to tell me it's going to be alright, someone who's close to me not some doctor. They don't need to know about my life I want someone who I love to know about whats going on in my life. I guess I'm saying this bcs I miss my "family" the people I love dearly, the people that I would lay down my life for, the people who I wouldn't every replace, the people I want to keep in my life forever. I want them back in my life!
I know I make mistakes but I don't mean them in anyway it's bcs I just don't know how to handle life by myself I honestly get scared of what will happen if I lose the people in my life. The thing is if you can't tell people what's going on in your life then honestly why would the stick around and be lost by the lies you tell the or the secrets you hide from them. And I think that where I went wrong. I am so scared that people will think bad about me that I keep things to myself but I think also that that's the reason why I'm so strong in a way. But now it's time that the people in my life the ones that I know who will stick by me through thick or thin to know how I feel. No more secrets, no more fear. I want you to know I love and misss youuu sooo much in my life!!!!!!
