Metro 2033 - Sanda's Story

4.Feelings

Feelings are quite difficult to grasp. We feel not only one but many emotions at once. They are part of us. Buried deep within our souls. They are fragile and very precious. Some people prefer to keep them as part of their life and be expressive, while others just like me, throw them away. This action makes us ruthless and not caring. Ignorant and truthfully empties us from any sort of feelings. It is fear that restrict us from expressing . We are afraid that if we feel we will lose meaning in our lives. If we show mercy, death will bestow us. If we show kindness, later we will suffer. We throw them away, just to not feel pain and lonely. It is difficult to feel and kill at the same time.

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I feel like waking up, due to a very annoying pain on my neck. I do not open my eyes but I can feel I am somewhere else than usually. I force my brain to start working and react to this kind of weird feeling. I find it absolutely impossible as I startle awake but not in real life, but in my dream. I see all white. For the first time, it feels real. The dead silent atmosphere made chills run up my spine. I tense as I hear whispering. I cannot quite make it out from which direction it is coming. It gets louder and by that time, I know that this voice is in my head. I can hear it say that one word clearly which makes my mind go blank.
"Surrender..."
I jolt awake and find myself with the darkness and the faint light of the candle. It takes a couple of minutes before my eyes adjust to the darkness of the warm and safe room. I can tell it is still night as no one is not awake. I feel sweat trickle down my forehead and I use my hand to wipe it off. I sigh and stare into the unmoving shadows of the room. I realise I am thirsty and reach for a bottle in my bag. I open the lid and take big gulps of the water.
'Sweet.'

I put it down but not inside the bag. I start thinking of my dream and wonder why would I see something like that.
'Surrender... Why did I get scared of those words when the voice directed them towards me. Surrender but what... more like what? Ugh. This gets more confusing every passing second I try to understand it. I should just drop it.'
I take one more sip from my water and pack it back to my bag . This time when I turn my head, I feel the pain on my neck from sleeping in an uncomfortable position. I rub the pain for it to go away but without much success. I just frown and change my position in a laying one. I put my bag under my head and use it as a pillow. I take a few breaths and feel my eyelids closing. My mind drifts off once again to my previous dream and I widen my eyes. A bit concerned I try to fall asleep but to no vail. Confused I just lay there and wait for time to pass. I sit up once again and come up with an idea. I reach for my bag once again and shuffle out a small notebook, which I took by sheer accident from the cabinet.

I search for the pencil and lay on my front on the floor, I open it and try to write but soon realise it is difficult for me to see in the dark. I stand up quietly, to not wake the others and go closer for the candle on the countertop and grab it. I settle it on the floor and lay down once again. I open the notebook once again and start writing. It is difficult for me to remember all the letter and figuring how to write, but after some while I am able to write all the know to me letter. I think for a moment on what to write on it.
'I was eager enough to make some use of it but now what?'
My mind is in void. I stare at the yellowish page with the lines and think about what should I had done with it. Many things come into my mind but nothing is being written down.
Disappointed with myself, I put the items back and lean onto the cold wall. I cross my arms and shrug, dissatisfied with my final actions. I shift my attention to the men as they wake up. I hear them grunt but I stay still and act ignorant to their actions. Alex is the first to stand up and tries to find the candle I had previously taken. He watches me and I ignore him. He takes a few steps towards and crouches in front of me. His gaze stays on my face for a few seconds and I just scoff at him. He chuckles and takes the candle from the floor not too far from my position. His back turns to me and I glare at it for no particular reason. He lights up the rest of the candles and the room immediately lights up. With the mood a bit brighter, I start a conversation without even thinking.

"Do you have this hideout long?"
Alex just stares at my sudden question and sets the candle on the counter once he lighted the rest. He approaches me and takes a chair along with him. He stops and sits on the chair facing me. He slightly smiles and replies.
"Why the sudden question?"
'Because I want to talk.'
"Just wondering."
"If you had read the research files that Olavi left for you and found the maps along with them, then it pretty sums up that this place was used for previous travels. Me and Olavi met quite often as by accident he vented off too far into Russia and found us in the university. My friend and his, someone called Monica, helped us with investigating a cure you see for the chemicals used. The third world war happened, you see. At first it was political. I cannot get into detail about it as I was just a kid hitting puberty so lack of interest into that stuff can explain my missing knowledge. Neither way, Germany and Russia ticked off each quite bad and so did America. They mendled in each other business unnecessarily, with the result for other countries to get involved. Everyone fought with each other. People were killing off each other, just because of hatred. Then Germany, Russia, America and some other country which could afford, shoot missiles to neighbouring countries, killing of billions. Couple years back... Chaos erupted. There were very few big cities in the world that managed to gather people into safety, rarer to see places like revolution intact after this. Moscow, Warsaw, London, Berlin, New York... Only capitals or in big cities were they might have had under the earth surfaces managed to save people."

He stops as a painful expression passes his face and conveys a reticence from his story. As if he wanted to leave out parts that should be unknown to me. He sighs and continues after a couple of moments.
"You see, the chemical reactions happened when the missiles were thrown. Most of them, different ingredients used to kill, actually made a reaction on being when inserted into the body, it disforms and change a being into something else. But it has a lot to do with mentality of those beings. It seems like this toxins are blocking some parts of the brain that makes one behave in an unexpected way."
At his last words I feel lost and I do not hesitate to show it. He snickers and explains.
" Well imagine... As if you are in a control room. You are the one who controls herself, decides for her actions. Then suddenly for example the control of your feelings, thoughts is suddenly broken and is on rampage. Obviously you do not act like yourself but the instinct of survival come out and you act like a beast. You become uncontrollable. That is what happened to all the animals and in some cases humans. But with us it is a bit different. As being we are far more smart, educated and more... improved than other beings. We can communicate better and understand each other better. If our kind gets infected with these toxins imagine what would happen. People would be dying. We would be weaker because they are still human and they can still think human. But they become maniacs, insane people. They would become unstoppable."

He stops as I take in the information. My eyes are wide open as many years of survival are becoming more clear to me.
"Listen girl. Always aim for the head. It is the most important thing to do when in situations with those monsters. Even when you hit them in vital places it doesn't help. They long lost the feelings of being what they were before. That is why you must throw away yours when it comes to killing. Even if in life it will come down for you to kill a person, remember both of you fight and the stronger one, will survive. Even when a human attacks you, aim for the head."
I rub my temples as I recall Borya's words from when I was younger. I stare at the floor and he seems to still not be finished.
"Well looking at your situation, from my perspective, you are going to Polis, right?"
"Yes, I am indeed. I want to help somehow and get rid of this f*cking doom everyone has been put into. I will keep my word to my family and will risk my life for a better place.  For everyone who is still alive."
He observes me and smiles at my answer. He turns his head to the side, looking at his comrades.
"Then welcome to our squad."
He finished with a toothy grin.
'He is way too happy for these kind of times.'

I stand up, straightening myself and yawning in the process. I pick up my bag and take out a canned fruit. I sheath my knife and very quickly open it. I use the same knife to pick up the juicy fruit and eat it. After a few bites, I offer it to Alex and he gladly accepts.
"Did you know Olavi very well?"
His attention once again is drawn towards me and he sighs.
"Me and Olavi used to be classmates in school. I did not hang out that much with him but we did exchange a few words from time to time. While I preferred to hang out with his sister. She changed so much from that time. She used to be cheerful and more talkative. If you looked at both of them, they were literally the same when it came to character. Hahaha, makes me feel old since it happened so many years back."
I could picture Olavi being cheerful. He always was. He always was optimistic. He would always try and reassure us in the worst times.
"How did they die?"
This time I freeze. The time came for me to talk about them. I find it difficult to let the words come out of my mouth. I stand there and my shoulders drop. I feel sad just at the mention of them.

"Kaia, she was still keeping a good act from her injuries. I couldn't tell, if she was near death or not. Olavi... He had lost so much blood. He had lost a leg and his life in the process. For all he has done, he deserves a good rest until his next lifetime. They were my family. They took me in when I was near death. I owe them my life for the kindness they gave me. I am grateful for all they did for me."
I focus my gaze on my shoes. I feel like crying but no tears came. I am hurting but I do not show it.
'I have to stay strong... for them.'
By that time, they others were listening our conversation but do not bother to interrupt. I can feel the awkward silence and before saying anything else, Darius cuts me mid-way.
"Well, since we aim for the same goal, we will expect some co-operation. We still have a day or two of travelling. We will use you for hunting food, if there is still anything edible out there."
He finishes and I swear there is something fishy about him. He gives me those weird vibes that something is going on. I decide to stay quiet but nod on the given task for me.
'I have to be cautious around that guy, can't trust him. He seems odd.'

"Alright let's move out. Take what you need and we need to keep moving. We need to pass the borders before noon, otherwise the Dark ones will occupy them soon after."
"Eeem... you mean the mutants?"
"In Russia we call them dark ones. Their complexion is like that."
I remain silent as the name was a bit weird. Everyone gets ready and I sit on one of the chairs and wipe my knife. I use the cloth that Borya gave me few years back and I made sure I would clean it when necessary. I hum a tone from a song Monica taught me years back. Once finished, I tidy myself and take my things. Everyone leaves from the bunker and put on their masks. I go on first ensuring that nothing is nearby. I have what people call it a sixth sense. I am able to tell from the atmosphere that surrounds me if there are any ill intentions coming at me from any direction. I managed to teach myself that, as no one could really help me with my 'extraordinary' ability over the years. I lift my hand near my head, signalising the group to stay still for a moment. I hear silence. I feel nothingness surround me, then I can feel the men's presence behind me. I try to focus harder and try to listen to further away. My mind only hears the distant air flowing but sense no evil intent towards us.
I put my hand down and tell them.
"Let us go."
I stand in place and they move in front of me. I follow after them towards the automobile and we set off.

The sound of tires rolling against the ground, makes me doze of into thinking. I form a big question which I should had considered before setting out. How will I get to Polis? It came into my mind a few times but I was in quite a few situations since I got out of Revolution. This is the farthest I had gone off the camp. It makes me terrified and images of worst cases flow through my mind. I take a deep breath and let it out. Alex seems to notices and asks me, without leaving his attention off the road.
"Still scared?"
I look in his direction and snort.
"I get used to things way too easily."
He doesn't answer back, to which I take as a sign to not disturb him. I drift of once again and feel my head hurt. A familiar yet unknown place appears. I sit on the a grassy field, while looking at my stretched legs on the ground. I see other kids around me play and I just sit in that one place. I see a hand tug my arm and I turn to my side. A young boy is looking at me and smiles. His green eyes mesmerising in the light.
"Sanda."

I gasp as I hold my head in my hands. I no longer hear the fluttering of the air around my ears and look towards the worried group of men. I notice we are in place and to make them ask me less questions I ask myself.
"What happened?"
Alex replies immediately.
"If it wasn't fir Ben, you most possibly fell out of the automobile. You suddenly fainted and he caught just in time before you touched the ground."
I widen my eyes at him and turn towards the other men and thank them.
"Maybe we should rest-"
"No need. I am ok."
I cut Darius midway through his sentence. I sit moving in plae, trying to find a comfortable position for myself. I can feel stares but show ignorance to them. I stare in front of me and hear them get on the vehicle once again.
"You better not faint again."
I do not spare a wanted side glance but only retort back.
" Do not worry, I won't."

The remaining ride became quiet for all of us. My arms are crossed for some time and I change my position. So far we have passed the borders luckily before noon and we have slowed down. I catch quick glances of the areas we are passing by, totally uninterested in them. All I see is a dessert. Empty buildings, dead plants and in a few dead bodies. It does not faze me whenever I think about death. I think it stopped since I myself took lives of the mutants so far. I had never yet taken a human ones.
'I wonder will I have to take a life?'
The answer was obvious. I might be able to somehow slip out of situations where it would be unnecessary to take a life, but I must face it. I will be forced at some circumstance to take someones life away.
'I should not be too soft hearted. Even these people whom I am helping will not hesitate to take my life, when they feel I could be dangerous.'
My thoughts are being cut, the moment we pull over. I look at Alex and he looks at me as well. He ignores me and scoffs. We all get off and a shiver goes down my spine. I stop while the others are taking cautious steps as well.
' They are watching us.'

Darius says loudly enough to gain everyone's attention.
" Alright, there is a small factory where we can spend the break at. Sanda will go hunting, while we will secure the place a stay for some while, is that ok?"
At that moment I knew they were trying to scoop out my abilities by observing me. They want to see if I am useful to be used.
'Well, ain't that suspicious. Quite stupid to send me alone.'
I might be a bit tall unlike other women or girls I had met, but I have confidence in my skills when it comes to disappearing from enemies sight. Even mutants can get fooled by my strategies. Once we arrive to the abandoned structure. It seems to be pretty solid, and maybe it was luck if people had stayed there and they had not died. We enter and the main area is mostly empty, with a few cardboard boxes stacked on top of each other. The temperature of the area makes me rub the side of my arms as I stand and look around in my place. I feel a hand on my shoulder and I tense up. On instinct I withdraw my knife but half way out of its case, I remember that the hand does not belong to anyone with killing intent. I look to my left and find Darius's slightly smiling.
" Whenever you are ready, go and find us something to eat. It won't be much, right?"
I throw him an indifferent look but agree to it anyways.

I approach the storage room and take out all the documents and fold them into fours. If they wanted to take something from me they won't find the most important thing that I carry around. I leave my stuff, ready my knife and count my oxygen filters. I motion towards Darius about my leave and he waves back. I get out and I am embraced with the still atmosphere. I can already tell something is roaming around.
'I need to be cautious, smallest mistake might make this the worst scenario for me.'
I take my first steps and enter into the dead forest. Everything around me is gray or occasionally darkish green. Withered flowers and many kinds of plants, were scattered on the ground. I carefully step on them and look behind me.
'Like I predicted, they are following me. Time for my plan.'
I smile and proceed with my hunting. A few meters later, I find a pair of rabbits. I grip the handle of my knife and throw it at them. It hits one of them, while the other scared, is already running off. I quickly ran towards the dead one and pick it up, at the same time taking out my knife. I ran after the rabbit and throw my knife once again. It kills the rabbit, straight in the head and it drops down to the floor. I catch up to my reward and can tell the one who observed me just a few moments ago, lost me.

I tie the rabbits feet and went up the trees to hide myself. Even though they were dead, weirdly the leaves never fall off the branches. I bring myself a bit higher and balance on the branch. Patiently I wait for the creeper and I was not surprised when it was Alex who reveals himself in the open. I am sure he has no idea that I could be on higher grounds than him. Their whole group underestimates and maybe it is time to show off what I am capable of. I decide to stalk the man as he desperately searches for me.
'Doesn't seem to be a perceptive person under the influence of stress. That is very bad.'
I grin and jump from branch to branch to not reveal myself to him. He jogs down as far where the forest ends and lets a frustrated sigh escape his lips. He lets his hand go through his short hair and stands in one place looking around. From the looks of it, he set a new path in order to try and find me but to my advantage, he would not find so easily as he might think he can. I always use the unexpected to make it harder for every being that is after me. I continue to go after him and chuckle quietly to myself at his stupid searching.

Out of nowhere, a loud noise was heard. I turn my attention towards the factory we entered before. I could briefly see it but I can tell something happened. Without paying much attention to Alex, I drop down to the ground and land not to far away from him. I startle him but do not wait for him to talk. I start running as soon as I got the chance. I pass by the trees and plans around and jump over a bush, ending up not too far from the entrance. I freeze when get a very noticeable shiver down my spine. I try not to delay from helping and run inside. I stare at Darius and the other two men, which both were dead. I back away and he approaches me. Alex unexpectedly is behind and notices the dead bodies. To Darius it seemed as a chance to turn him against me and he spoke.
" It was her who did it. She came here right after you left and killed them with one blow each. She tried to escape but I caught her now as she was leaving."
'He was to turn him against me!'
I stand and stay silent. Alex behind me is angry but for my surprise he didn't go against me, instead stays to my side. He laughs lightly and answers Darius back.
"If there is someone I should doubt, that would be you, traitor. I knew from the beginning you were not the real Darius."

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Dun dun duuun. A cliff hanger. Wonder what will happen next. I want to thank everyone who reads my story and appreciate it. Vote and comment on my story and I will be motivated and ensure a good quality of reading for everyone. Till next time!