Feels Like Drowning ║Larry Stylinson AU

Chapter One

Not Edited :P 
Song on the side: Tom Odell- Heal ( listen to it while you´re reading- one of my fav songs ♥ and perfectly sits to this chapter ) 

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“To those who abuse: the sin is yours, the crime is yours, and the shame is yours. To those who protect the perpetrators: blaming the victims only masks the evil within, making you as guilty as those who abuse. Stand up for the innocent or go down with the rest.” ;)

Chapter 1 

I woke up in the morning at sound of loud ringing. I groaned, turned off my alarm and showed my face into pillow.

I don't want to wake up. I don't want to stand up and go to my school. Hell, I don't even want to go downstairs, because of my dad. Well, step-dad. I don't want to go trough this over again. I can't. I'm so tired of this. There are many who don't wish to sleep for fear of nightmares. Sadly, there are many who don't wish to wake for the same fear, and unfortunately, I am one of them. Sometimes I wake up and go to sleep with thoughts and questions like 'Why are they doing this to me?' 'Why do they hate me so much?' 'What have I done to deserve this?' 'Why am I so worthless?' .

Do you ever feel, like there's not a person in the world who loves you? Do you ever feel like you're not wanted? Sometimes I feel like I'm not longer important. I feel like life wasn't made for me. Maybe I wasn't meant to have friends. Maybe I wasn't meant to have a good life. Maybe I wasn't meant to be happy.

I've tried to stop this. I've tried to stop everything. I wanted everything to be over. My pain. My scars. My life. The cold realization that I am still here, slowly begins to set in. I think about suicide every day. I can't keep going like this. Wake up, go downstairs and get yelled at by Aaron. Then go to school and be bullyed. Everyone was abusing me. I can't take it anymore. Why me? This is question on which I probably won't ever find an answer. I've never hurt anyone. I was always the one with great grades and without troubles, so why did they choose me out of all 700 people at our school? Why I have to live with an abusive jerk like Aaron? Why couldn't they just put me into foster house after my mother died?

And I still don't understand why he isn't in jail anyway. I said that he abused my mother, but I was child so apparently, without my mother, they couldn't do anything about it. And why he kept me anyway? He always hated me. Since I was like 11, but still, he kept me. He could send me straight to the foster house. I probably would be happier there. I guess he just needed something on what he can calm his nerves.

I slowly stood up and pushed all my thoughts to back of my mind like everyday and went to the bathroom. I looked at myself into the mirror and that sight was disgusting and horrifying at same time. I had big backs under my eyes, black eye, bruised lip and ugly bruises all over my weak body. I slowly lifted my wrist and shakily brushed my fingers trough my cuts. Yes, I self-harm.It helps me to forget for a while.  It's my escape from everything. I love the feeling, that I can control the pain. I can cut deep or light and I'll be the one making desissions. These are moments when I can finally have some control over myself and no one can stop me. Beside, I hightly doubt that they would care if they´ll find out. Otherwise, I think they would be happy.

I started tearing up. I don't know if it even makes sense. I mean, they're hurting me and I do the same. But I can't help it. I sometimes feel as if these marks on my body were a kind of code, which blossomed, then faded, like invisible ink held to a candle. But if they are a code, who held the key to it? I am sand, I am snow-written on, rewritten, smoothed over.

You don't how it feels to be depressed. Depression is the worst kind of killer. It corners you at night, or when you´re all alone, and slowly eats away at any shred of happiness it can find, until there's nothing left, but pain, and eventually, death. It's like you're screaming, but no one can hear you. You have no idea how it is, to feel, like you are drowning, but you can see everyone else around you breathing. And the worst part is, that they don't even know how close I am to drowning. I don't want to be this way. I'm lonely. I'm lost. I am slowly, but surely dying. And no one cares. The fact, that no one wouldn't even notice if I would disappear is eating me alive. Maybe they wouldn't have someone to beat up, but I am sure that sooner or later they would find another victim. Like it wouldn't be enough that they had made my life miserable. I am just a kid, and my life is a nightmare. So young, so fragile, so.. unhappy.