Ever since i was about 5 years old I always knew i seemed differnet to people. I never thought i was so different in todays society. for the longest time as a child people would
always call me names because the way i acted and how i was known throughout school,fag, queer were peoples favorites. I never knew how much words could affect the way i live and how others live around me.
It all started in the 4th grade one day while i was on the playground i was playing in the field behind some portables due to construction in our school. Just minding my own business i felt a sudden sharp pain in the back of my neck and fell to the ground and i dusted my self off to see two boys i knew with belts and rope hitting me over and over again calling me gay and fag. i started to cry because everyone was just looking, not laughing, not helping, just looking at me like i was some type of diseased pest. My day went on and i kept my head up but in reality deep inside my head was lower then ever. i got home later that day and acted like nothing had happened, because to everyone i was the shy, smart, sweet kid no one even thought twice about to be sad. i would sit in my room for hours at a time thinking about if those people who called me those names are right about what they say. Maybe its because i dress nice, wear pink, polo, and i like beyonce. all i knew was that i only had a few good friends and a few people that wouldnt care if i died. the bad thoughts in my head out weighed the good and from then on ive never been the same.
Time goes on like it normally does. Ive moved twice since then and even now in my present time ive had my fair share of my encounters with ignorant people. one night i was with my best frined and we had been texting some of our other friends when one guy that had been over at their house got angry with me for some odd reason and started texting me and calling me horrible names saying how im a dumb faggot...god dammnit i thought to my self i cant fucking take this any more. all my life has been consumed with people like this calling me names that struck my heart like a flaming arrow,i just started crying uncontrollablly! my friend tried to calm me down, but that was my breaking point i went into the bathroom and grabbed a razor and got in the bathtub forcing the edges into my veins until i couldn't see my arm because of so much blood. "derek! open the door, stop this isn't okay!!" she was yelling at me to stop. she threatned to break down the door so i wrapped my arm and opened the door and told her i didnt do anything, i made her belive i was joking, at the same time my arm was aching and throbbing like no other..
days go by at school some people love me while others give me looks that send chills up my spine. to this very day i dont know why people stare the way they do. im told by my parents all the time not to listen to them and being sad doesnt't help, and honstly how would they know, until anyone walks a mile in my shoes, no one can say shit about how i act and why i do some of the things i do. no one
i think whats heaven like..its supposed to be carless no one to tell you, you arent good enough. nothing holding you back. people often bring to my attention taking your own life sends you straight to hell, but if there is really a god and he sees what some of us go through he'll understand why we want to leave and how WE are the victims here. when people ask me if im gay just out of curiousity i say no and act like its no big deal, even if that person is joking around every word ever said sticks with me forever and haunts me everyday.. i have two sisters and 3 brothers only one sister and one brother still lives with us. often they joke around calling me gay or saying what i wear looks weird and gay.. i joke along and smile and or laugh along they dont realize after they say that my self esstem goes down dramatically. one more word to live with one more phase describing good or bad more and more damage inside,,and so what if i wear white converse and take selfies all the time im only trying to fit in with "the perfect species" now days. maybe ill end it all run away from here live in harmony with people that have once been in my shoes. thats what i thought would be the best option about 2 weeks ago when i tried to take my own life once and for all
one final day i was in the gym with 8th graders i was having so much fun with people around me.when one certain 8th grade guy came up to me and asked "are you gay" i said no my other friend told him to stop but all the other "jocks" starting laughing and yelling across the gym "fag" and telling me how much i act like it... i died inside.. all my life this has gone on..my life that i souly wanted no longer
i went home after school and looked at the sky noticing how beautiful it was..no one bullying no name calling all and every single cloud flowing along, not fighting, nor hitting, or cutting. i despreatly wanted to be in a world where such harmony exists. so i made my final choice after talking to my friend about what happened. i brought a stainless steal razor with me and layed down flat in the tall grass with no disturbance from any other people.. i grabbed the razor and counted up all the times someone ever made me feel less than what i am.. i lost count.. so with that i starting cutting over and over and over again... i didnt feel much pain and i wasnt scared because i knew i would go to a place where not even pain was felt.. i got dizzy my arm felt numb and i colapsed at that exact moment my dog jumped our fence and ran straight towards me and cried dog cries and rested his head on my arm and then i knew i couldnt go through with this.., i still couldnt feel my body and couldn't get up so i texted my best and told her to hurry to where i was at because i did something terrible. five minutes or so past when i saw her running towards me out of breathe instantly she asked to see my arm..she obviously saw a lot of blood everywhere and knew what had happened. she told me how much i mean to people and how i cant do this anymore.. i probably wouldnt be here if she hadnt of had her phone, or even if my dog hadnt jumped the fence and cried his cries...that time i was saved.. saved from death, lonelyness, i was saved from those people who had brought me to this point before. i know better now..i know how much of a chain reaction it causes to take my own life, but in thhe long run none of us are perfect so why do people treat us like we should be.. i thank anyone who has ever stood up for me on or even said i looked good today everyone needs things like that to balance out the assholes we all face some time or another. my fate and my friends are the reason im still writning this story today... -derek
"Bullying, to me, starts very small around the kindergarten age where the first thing we learn is to call each other names. Somthing so small can be so long lasting in someones life"-Shane Koyczan
