meet me halfway | l.s

3. on the table

louis

I try to ignore it, Harry's pain, his torture. The last 4 years haven't been kind to him, sometimes finding new love, only finds you new problems, and I may be bias, but Harry could do so much better, and for some reason I stay up thinking about it.
Where to start? Maybe when Harry invited me to lunch, I can just think about it all, and how I grew so much discomfort to one human being so quickly.
The first time I met Jesse was when Harry invited me to eat with him and I see this guy. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, he did have a nice appearance, but everyone knows there's more to a first impression than the way you look.
The whole time the three of us had lunch, the topic never strayed away from what Jesse was doing.
Jesse isn't even a real doctor yet, but he's got the asshole personality of one of the doctors you see in Hollywood films.
But in that moment, when I first met Jesse, and even though I saw through his entire gimmick, I gave Harry whatever approval he wanted from me, which I found it odd. It was like Harry was asking "is this guy suitable enough so that I can move on from you?"
What really drove me away from liking Jesse in a genuine manor was when he abandoned Harry for 3 years to complete a residency in Boston. So for 3 years, Harry waited for calls and texts that rarely ever came and I had to watch my son ask me all the time: "why is daddy so sad, I hear him cry at night, I think he wants a hug sometimes from Jesse but he's away."
For 3 years, Harry questioned whether or not he was good enough for Jesse, because they didn't make that choice together. Once Jesse was accepted into a program in Boston, Jesse had one foot out the door.
There are a million reasons why I don't like Jesse, but Harry should never feel like he's not good enough for someone.

After my rotation with William, I drop him off at Harry's place. He opens the door, in his pajamas, looking dreadful.

"Everything okay daddy?" William asks as Harry smiles and William hops into Harry's arms.
"Yes, of course, it's daddy's day off, so that means we're going to go to the park and get ice-cream and watch all kinds of movies!"

"Can daddy come?"

Harry and I awkwardly look at each other, both knowing we haven't really spoken or talked to each other much since Williams surgery. I think we've both been avoiding each other.

"If daddy isn't busy, he can come."

"I'm not," I say. "I'll give you a minute to get ready."

I walk inside and sit with William on the couch as Harry goes into his bedroom. Poppy sits on the couch and for a second, I feel at ease. Like this is where I'm meant to be, and I can't shake the feeling.

"Daddy, can I bring my bear?" William asks.

"Yes, of course, I'll go get him."

I walk by Harry's room and his sniffling catches my attention behind his closed door.

"Things were just getting better, and you left us again. We just fixed everything and you're giving up on that, again. I've changed my whole life around those who I loved. First my mom, then Louis, I learned an entire language in less than a year so I could teach my son how to communicate, but you, you make it really hard to forgive you. Because while they have thrown obstacles, they threw compromise, my mother, she stayed, even while she was an alcoholic. Louis is working himself to death to work with me on how we raise our child and William gives more love than he gives challenges. And while I love you, I need something from you. I need to go to bed without picturing her in your bed, I need to go to bed without questioning whether or not you love me. You are always leaving me, and I know it's not for your career."

I grab the bear and wait for Harry in the living room. He walks out, and I can tell he's bee crying, behind the smile, behind the mask.

At the park, William plays on the slide. The park is vacant since it's pretty early in the morning. The whole ride, the whole time, Harry stays quiet, watching William play on the slides. I put my hand on top of his and he looks at me, tears building in eyes.