I'm awaken by a voice, "Courtney?" I grumble as I turn over to the other side of the bed trying to gain back the oblivion of sleep "Courtneeeeeey?" The voice persists. I finally turn around and look at the person who insists I wake from my peaceful slumber. It's my father. He has a huge grin on his face but there's something about it that makes it look more dreary than usual. But I'm used to it. It's how everyone looks at me nowadays that I'm back. Your probably wondering what I'm back from. Well in that case I should just tell you.
I was hospitalized for suicidal actions. I almost made it to the light before blood was pumped into my system and I was revived. They emitted me for a while, 9 months. That's how long it takes for a baby to grow inside a womb. NOT how long it takes for someone to heal from attempt of suicide. And I don't think I will ever heal to be honest. My dad shakes me again but this time his smile grows genuine "Hey there doodle bug," he says softly as if I was glass and one tone out of place would break me. I look up at him with bleary eyes but manage to say nothing. But he persists on "Get up. We're getting you out of the house." He says and the tone in his voice tells me I don't really have much choice. I give him a strange look "What about the news reporters?" Oh and I think I also forgot to mention that my suicide attempt was one the news. Yay me. "You don't have to worry about them honey. We're gonna go out and have some fun together. Just you and me." He smiles a little bit to wide and I cock my head to the side
"Where's mom?" I ask. Mom has been the one taking care of me since I got back and to be honest it's more of a luxury now than it was before. Dad looks at me "She's off running some errands for now. Our plan is to meet at the mall so we can ride home together. She rode with Rosie." He says with his back turned as he throws some clothes at me. Rosie is my best friend Gracie's mother, and it's no surprise to figure out they have been hanging out. Mom says that she was the only comfort and support when I almost died. But since I got back from the hospital I haven't seen nor have I talked to Gracie. Much less any of my friends. I wonder how they are doing. Gracie probably hates me now for trying to do what I did. "She doesn't hate you." My dad says as if he was reading my thoughts which is no surprise. We're too much alike. "Here, put these on." He says tossing me a bundle of clothes. In the pile I see a camouflage short sleeve t shirt and my white striped Adidas pants. Something the old me would wear. My dad looks at me guiltily "I just thought-" he says tripping over his words but I cut him off with a wave "It's ok." I say bluntly and I turn to address him "I'm alive am I not? It's time to put the pieces of the old me back together." At this my dad smiles,"You've always been a fighter. Now get a shower. We're leaving in 10." Then he walks out for me to get changed. I shut the door and look at myself in the mirror. Man I look like a mess. I haven't showered in a day and I probably smell. My hair is tangled and greasy. My eyes are hollow. My cheeks thin as well as my stomach. But right there, on the inside of my wrist to where absolutely anyone can see them, jagged lines grace my once smooth skin. Sometimes when I'm alone I rub the marks that set me apart from the rest of society as a wild tameless beast. A monster. An image comes to mind of me laying on the ground, blood pouring out of my arms as I fight to keep my eyes open. I snap out of my trance and take the clothes my father gave me and walk into the bathroom. I start the shower and check the water a few times to see if it's the right temperature. When I find that right temperature that soothes me I strip of my clothes and hop in. The water dances over my skin and I'm instantly soothed. I told my head back and sigh. 'So this is what it feels like to be fully relaxed' I think to myself. I stand there for a few minutes just basking in the feel of the water but then I get to work on making myself whole again. Although I truly never will be.
As soon as the last sud slides down the drain I take a towel from the cabinet above the toilet and wrap it around my cold body. I take another towel from the cabinet and use it to wrap my hair so it won't get in my face. Not gonna lie my hair has gotten pretty long since I've been on the hospital and I like it. It makes me look softer. After I have dried off and put on my clothes I step out of the small bathroom and back into my bedroom where the cool draft of the fan heats my still warm skin and I shiver. I walk over to my chest of drawers and open one to get some socks, when I catch a sight of my frame in the mirror I freeze. I've gotten so thin. You can see how my arms have shrunk in the shirt I'm wearing. This used to be like a second skin on me. I sigh and grab some socks from the drawer and put them on and slide my new hightop Vans on after it. One more look in the mirror says I look decent and I step out into the living room where my dad is standing texting on his phone, keys in hand. I clear my throat and he looks up and smiles at me "Ready to go?" He looks eager to get out of here. I just nod and let him lead the way to the GMC. I'm gonna get this truck when I get my license, but me being in the hospital put a stunt on that. I climb in the truck, practically taking a running leap because I'm 5'2 and microscopic. My dad climbs in after me and we start the 5 minute drive down our driveway. About 20 mins into the ride I notice that the road we're taking is familiar. "Why are we going to Harrisburg?" I question, and my dad looks at me "You need a haircut, badly." I look at him and frown "My hair isn't that bad." I protest but then I catch a look at it. Split ends. Grown past my chest. Tangled from the shower. Maybe I do need a haircut. Dad looks over at me with a satisfied smirk like he's won the lottery, and I scowl in defeat. "Moms there getting her hair cut to. Maybe we can do something new with yours. Get it colored the way you want or something?" He's still smiling and it takes my brain a few seconds to process what he just said. 'HE SAID YOU COULD COLOR YOUR HAIR COURTNEY GET REAL' I think to myself. "You mean it?" I say to my dad and somehow, his smile grows wider. It looks painful. Crazy almost. "You heard correct." He says and right at that moment we park in the parking lot.
