A Door in the Wall (Converted Camren)

Chapter 6

After Camila had left, Lauren sat for a while at the table, not knowing what to do. She had to fight the urge to run after her friend again. She was so afraid that she had hurt Camila, afraid that she could not make her understand what she really felt.

How could she demonstrate to Camila that her motives were far more than simple pity?Lauren was most afraid that Camila thought she wanted to stay in contact just because she felt sorry for her. Camila would never accept that. It was all right to feel sad; it was also all right to cry together as they had done in the hallway that morning. But Lauren once promised herself to never feel pity for anyone and Camila would never see that on her face. She deserved better than that.

Lauren had always perceived it as one of the worst feelings someone could confront her with. Feeling pity for someone meant that you belittled the other person. The picture of someone sitting in a ditch and other people were looking down thinking 'boy, am I glad that I am not in that pit' had always appeared in her mind whenever she thought about pity. She always imagined that this was where the word 'pity' came from. Or from the French word 'petite', which meant small or little. In any case, it only held negative connotations for her.

Actually, pity was quite a selfish feeling for people who thought themselves being in a superior position.

She did not confuse this with feeling for someone. Empathy was a good thing to a certain degree, which brought Lauren back to her initial thought. How did she feel, really?

Lauren was shocked beyond measure when she learned the reason for Camila's disappearance. Though she dared not ask how it happened – somehow it had not felt right to ask yet. She had been treading on very thin ice already. Thinking about Camila's loss, she felt as if her own heart was squeezed by an iron fist. Bravely, she fought to keep her composure.

What did it mean for her that she would never to be able to hear again? Not only was she unable to communicate to a certain extent, but she would also never be able to hear music again, to sing. It was the greatest tool Camila had to express herself. If words failed her, she could always rely on her music. Now that that was taken away from her, what was left of Camila? Who was she on the inside? Where did she take the strength from to get up every day and keep on living? Lauren was not sure she would have been able – would have wanted - to carry on in that situation. So what was it that kept Camila going?

Camila intrigued Lauren yet again. There were so many layers to the other woman. And she had thought she already knew Camila so well. Apparently that did not seem to be true.

Lauren wanted to peel away all the layers and find the inner core that fueled Camila. It would be the most precious thing Lauren could ever discover, that she was sure of. Maybe Camila was not aware that she still carried this inner treasure. She would very much like to help Camila rediscover it.

If that motor had driven Camila over the past years towards her dream, it could help drive her again towards a different goal - whatever that goal would be now. Maybe they could find out together. As long as that motor was still running, there was still hope.

And not only for Camila, but also for Lauren, because that motor also fueled her life.

This revelation finally reached Lauren's consciousness. Had she allowed herself to dig a little deeper in the past, she would have noted that a long time ago. Why else was it so difficult to stay away from Camila and at the same time still secretly following her path? Just to stay connected to her somehow. Even if it was just knowing where she was and what she did and nothing else. What a fool Lauren had been to deny herself her true feelings and to waste all that precious time.

The waitress gave her a worried look when she collected the bills.

"Is everything ok, hon?"

Lauren shook her head and answered with a thick voice.