Young Sociopath

Feelings

Now I'm still young, about 14 years in age going on 15. I bet the first thing that goes through you head is, "Just another angsty teenager". Well, denying this would make it seem like I'm confirming this. So I will just speak, and let you decide on your own.
I didn't realize how out of touch I was with people's expectation of me, until I was taught about emotions. When taught about sadness, anger, and happiness, I thought about the 1st and 3rd words. When I was happy people where sad, and when people where happy I was bored.

Bored.

This word bugs me to this day. If I was bored back then I would insight fights. I would manipulate to the best of my abilities, and all because I was bored. When people found out I was the one pulling the strings, they ignored me. It was hell, because although I wasn't attached to people, I still depended on bloodshed and anger.

Anger.

Explained what a fourth of my life was. I was bored. I was happy. I was sad. I was angry. Angry at what, you might ask? I to this day can't give a straight answer all the time. Sometimes its just because i feel it, and its never random either. This isn't a bipolar "I snapped at someone". Its "Im willing to hurt someone today". I guess thats from too much bordom but either way I still was.

Happy.

A Puzzling word. The variety of it is strange. Sometimes it ment I would give a smirk when a rodent or a pest would stop breathing. Sometimes it ment I laughed when I saw someone get injured. Sometimes I'd appreciate someone telling me someone died just because they died. There are even times where its a exhilerating feeling when I take part in violence, like in sparring matches and streetfights. This feeling is something I urne for at the oppritunity, and can live hollow-like when there ISN'T a oppritunity.

Sadness.

Its there. I will say its rare. However it is there. The hollow feeling I explained. Its depression, I don't want to get diagnosed for it. I already know I have it. I just don't need family knowing. When in long periods of boredom and sometimes during fits of rage or happiness, I'll suddenly stop and think, "What is wrong with me. What is wrong with everyone?". Truely another question I want answered. Why was I born with a incapacity to care? And in contrast, what makes everyone else care? For those who say religion, I've shown morals mean nothing to me. To those who say Money, doesn't matter when you die. To those who say "To keep people I love close.", I will give you that one. I have a capacity to love and to the person that gains that trust from me... I feel... normal for a bit. However most are driven away for fear of my sadistic mindset and bleak outlook on life. So even I can't say thats a reason for me anymore. So why...?