Making Up My Mind

Chapter 9

Chapter 9

~SLIGHT TRIGGER WARNING~

ELIAS POV

I don't know what made me think I could do it. I didn't go one night without it. What made me think I couldn't have a nightmare tonight? I woke up crying and I rushed to the bathroom. Shit. Where's my bag? I left it in the drawer under my bunk. I quietly went back to the drawer and got it out going straight to back to the bathroom. I needed this. I needed this so bad. I always got my hopes up for no reason. Tony and I's conversation cheered me up but I should've known nothing's changed. Im such a fucking idiot. I scrambled through my bag taking everything out.

"Ow." I whispered noticing I cut my finger. I looked closely seeing my blade there. It feels like forever since I've seen it. Im gonna regret this but it didn't matter now. Because now was when I needed it. I grabbed it and sat it on the small sink. It was a nice sized bathroom for a bus and luckily had a rug in it. I slipped my shirt off leaving me in a bra. Tears continued to stream down my face. I wiped them away quickly so it wouldn't fog my view. I took the blade and ran it across my rib. Each cut went across my lower ribs, blood slowly forming, running down my side. I took toilet paper wiping it off. It eased a little. Took my mind off of things. Not for long. The only thing I was staring at was my stomach. I was so fat and ugly, I couldn't stand to even look at myself. To even be in the skin I was in. I wanted out so badly. I threw my razor after I could hardly see my first cut anymore and sat on the floor, crying harder and harder. I was stuck on this bus and I wanted to be home. No one even wants me here. Matt will yell at me if I even try to hide away in bed all day. It was useless, I was useless. Pills pills pills pills pills. I had some. My antidepressants. I grabbed them. One, Two, Three, Four. Just a double dose. No big deal. I cleaned my cuts and bandaged them before doing anything else. I cleaned up the bathroom, put my shit back in the bag and put my shirt on. I swallowed the pills one by one and left the bathroom. I laid in bed putting the bag back in the drawer. I covered up in the blankets trying to cry as quietly as possible. It was failing.

"Elias?" Tony. I tried to pretend I was sleeping, I did. But nothing was working.

"Eli? Is everything okay?" His groggy voice said. I shook my head, opening my eyes. He was slipping out of his bunk.

"Scoot." I moved over a little seeing if he would lay down or not.

"Can I? If that's okay with you. I don't want to-" I began nodding and he finally laid next to me. I grabbed his shirt and cried into it, muffling the sound.

"Im so sorry." I whispered. He put his arms on side pulling me closer but I whimpered. It burned. My cuts were burning, even though I was sure I cleaned them and I didn't like the pressure.

"Im sorry." He exclaimed automatically making me feel horrible. He had no right to be sorry, it was all my fault.

"It's okay. I'm here." Tony said after a while. But I'm not. The pills finally started to kick in. My crying slowed down and I began to grow quiet and sleepy.

**

TONYS POV

I woke up, my arms wrapped around Elias. She was sound asleep, her chest moving slowly. I felt like doing the usual morning stretch but it was such a tight space. I would try to get out the bunk before anyone thought something happened last night but I didn't want to wake her up. She had a nightmare, it was the only reason I could think she was crying. But it was harder than usual. It just seemed, different. Trying to go back to sleep was useless. All these questions were burning a hole through my head, I was just too worried about her. She let out a deep breath and tried to roll over, startling me, but couldn't since I was hugging her against me. Elias quietly moaned opening her eyes. I felt her flinch as she noticed me.