Dear Diary,
My name is Alaina, and I am currently 18 years old. I know in normal diaries the writer doesn't normally introduce themselves, but like I said before, this isn't a normal diary. I have to let you know a little about me before I throw random names, places, or situations into the picture.
First thing you need to know about me--I'm really fucked up. No I'm not drunk writing this; I am actually such a mess it is unbelievable. I take pride in this though. Not only does it make my story more interesting, but it forces me to open my eyes to the realization that better days are ahead of me.
I haven't always been fucked up, but it feels like I have been for as long as I can remember now. I guess we are all a little messy sometimes. But I definitely got worse. It started around freshman year of high school. A whole new scene change with people and teachers that I didn't know--absolutely terrifying. However, I was excited to start seeing my best friend, Caleb, every day face to face now instead of over FaceTime. Ahh Caleb, what an asshole. But that's a story for a little later. Anyway, freshman me had a terrible problem with anxiety. I had at least one panic attack a week, and sometimes I wasn't even sure what I was freaking out over. Eventually anxiety just became a part of me, and I learned to accept it.
Fast forward to junior year because quite honestly I remember nothing from sophomore year. I'm now in love with my best friend, and we are dating. If you've ever heard the saying "dating your best friend is amazing", I'm not going to lie it's absolutely true. However, I knew Caleb since I was in 6th grade, and I would've never expected him to turn out the way he was. Everything started out great; we hung out a lot, never really fought unless it was about where we were going to eat, and we were so madly in love with each other it was unhealthy. But that's the kicker... it was unhealthy.
I'm not going to sit here and say he was the one who ruined us, but he was definitely the one who ruined me. He was so manipulative and controlling, but of course I was oblivious to this because I was so in love. Also, he struggled with depression, which he had when we first became friends and it runs in his family. But what really fucked me up is the fact that I used to spill my heart out to this kid about how much I loved him and how I would do anything for him when he was having a bad night, and he would send me pictures of his legs cut open and bleeding. I cannot explain the physical pain my heart felt seeing the one person you love more than anything have cutting boards as legs. After a year of not speaking to him, it still hurts to think about it. But not for too long. Why you may ask? Oh because he made me believe I was the reason behind his scars and depression, and because he was such a fucking manipulative cunt, I believed every word he said. Not only do I too now have scars to prove that, but many suicide attempts, trips to therapists, and antidepressants as evidence as well.
Sex. I bet that got your attention. Something I always viewed as so special and a bond rather than a physical act. He was my first, and I think that's why I was so in love. It went from being something that only happened on special occasions, to a thing we did every time we were together, even when I didn't want it...It no longer felt special, it just felt like a chore. And that's sad. I stopped eating and struggled with anorexia because I wanted to feel pretty enough for him to take me out and show me off instead of being wrapped up in bed sheets all night. Also, because I was constantly naked I wanted to look good to myself, and I thought I needed to be 98 pounds to see that. My body was no longer treated like a gift, but more like a toy. I only viewed myself as an object now, all because of you, Caleb. I still struggle with accepting myself to this day.
But he left. At the time I was so broken. I was at the lowest of lows and the peak of my depression, and he left me. Said he couldn't be around that type of negativity anymore. I spent a lot of my next few months being so angry with him, but now I look back and wish I would have been that selfish when the first cut happened.
It doesn't hurt anymore though. I can finally talk about that part of my life to my friends and family, and they can see a change in my mental health. Having him walk out of my life was the best thing for me, because I would have never been able to sit here and write about it.
Unfortunately, all my friends could see that Caleb wasn't good for me and got tired of me repeatedly picking him over and over again, so they left too. Senior year is supposed to be the time where you make the most memories, but I was alone most days. And that made me depressed all over again.
But when one door closes, another one opens. I became close to my two absolute favorite girls in the world--Kell and Rach. These ladies turned my year around in a matter of weeks and became my other halves. I cannot thank them enough for all they've done.
Moreover, I decided that I needed to keep myself busy to stay happy, so I applied to work at my town's movie theater. This was the best decision I have ever made. I don't have coworkers, I have a family. I started working there in January of this year, but I would honestly die for any one of them. Maclain, my favorite human being, is like a father figure to me. I look up to that man so much, and I'm sure if he read this he would question why. I don't really know Maclain, you have been through so much and still manage to be so happy and it really inspires me to keep going.
But everyone always has that one cute coworker that they slowly fall for, right? Yeah well my stupid ass fell HARD for TJ. Funny thing is, he's no longer just a coworker, but my boyfriend of almost 5 months. I fell in love with this tall, goofy-ass, green-eyed boy that I knew could ruin my life by allowing me to love him. And after months of proclaiming after such a horrible relationship that I'd never get married or love someone ever again, I pictured myself cuddled up next to this handsome boy on a Saturday night, eating Chinese food in our PJ's while planning for our wedding. He has such a beautiful soul and a never-ending amount of love for me. I wouldn't say I'm spoiled, but well, he spoils me. Not necessarily with materialistic things, but with a kind of love and connection I have never experienced before. He never fails to surprise me.
I haven't covered every little detail or person, but I will when I get to those stories. For now, enjoy a little background information, and I hope you stick around for more.
