Lacrosse

19- Tears and Fears

Josh

"I need to take a leak," Andrew groans from beside me.

"Me too," Todd adds. "Let's go."

The two boys get up from their seats on the hard, metal bleachers and stomp down the stairs, walking towards the bathroom.

Kendall still is not on the field and from where I'm sitting, I can't see if she's on the bench either. She was feeling queasy this morning. She's probably just not feeling up to go in. It's a shame though. Her girls need her. It's only ten minutes in to the game and they're already losing by five.

Heavy footsteps suddenly start banging up the stairs. A few spectators of the game turn and shoot Todd a dirty look as he interrupts the focus on the game.

"Josh," he puffs, out of breath. He must have run back from the bathroom. "We need you."

"You need me to be able to pee?" I jokingly ask. "If you're having problems with that, I don't think I can be much help. You may need to see a doctor."

"No," Todd sputters between huffs of air. "Kendall needs you."

"What do you mean?" I question, confused. Kendall's on the bench, isn't she?

"Just, just come!" He turns around and starts clomping down the stairs again, his slide on sandals slapping his heels as he goes. I push myself up and follow him down the steps, picking up my pace as I see he has broken out in to a run again. I sprint as fast as I can, catching up to him and slowing slightly to match his speed.

Until he suddenly stops outside the open door of the old equipment room. Todd nods his head in the direction of the room, looking as if he can't bear the thought of going inside. His face is flushed, paler than usual, and his pupils wide.

I step inside the doorway and the stench of dried sweat stings my nose.

"Josh," a small voice whimpers from the corner nearest the door. I turn my head in the direction of her voice, nearly unrecognizable as her own. My eyes connect with a huddled mass of skin and bones, halfway covered by the darkness of the room.

Kendall's bright blue eyes peek out from above her arms, crossed across her knees, pulling them close to her chest. The whites of her eyes are now a pale red color caused by crying. Her clothes are being clutched in her hands, a ball of navy blue and yellow. Andrew is kneeling next to her, staring straight ahead, not knowing what to do. As if any of us know what to do.

"Josh," Kendall squeaks again, snapping me out of my daze. I cross the room slowly, the mindset that if I go too quickly, if I make too much noise, everything in the room will fall apart. The walls will somehow close in around us, the roof collapse on top of us, the shelves topple down to create a barricade between us and any form of escape.

When I'm about a foot away from her, Kendall lifts her arms up, stretching them outward in my direction. I move quickly for the first time since I entered the room, crouching down and picking her up from the waist. She wraps her bare legs around me, her arms thrown around my neck, her head resting on my shoulder, tears streaming out of her eyes and being soaked in by my shirt.

My eyes meet Andrew's and I motion for him to leave the two of us alone. He exits the small room, suddenly feeling smaller than ever, and meets up with Todd outside.

"You can't blame yourself for this, Kendall," I coo. I don't know what else to say. In school, this is what we learned to say. "It's not your fault."

I sit down on the cement floor, spreading my legs out in front of me. Kendall unwraps herself from around me and lays her legs across mine, her head remaining on my shoulder and her arms still around the back of my neck. I put one of my hands on her waist and I feel her jerk away from the touch, so I remove it.

She will never be the same after this. She will never be able to laugh the same way. She will never be able to hug the same way or kiss. She will forever be scared that this will happen to her again. She will forever tremble under a man's touch. She will forever feel his hands on her against her will, even when she's with the one she loves.

"Do you want me to call the police?" She shakes her head no. "They need to know about this so they can find the guy responsible."

"They won't believe me if I tell them," she murmurs in to my neck. "They won't think it was rape. They'll think that I am just a piece of trash who cheated on her boyfriend and when she went all the way, regretted it."

"Why would they think that?"

"Because I kissed back. I thought it was you. He kissed me in our spot, so I thought it was you and I kissed back until he started touching me," she explains.

"He was Pittsburgh Hills," I state, "wasn't he?"

"This was what they meant by they'll get me. This is what they meant by they want me."

"They're sick," I spit. "Does winning a stupid lacrosse game really mean this much to them? Is it really worth it? It's just a damn sport. It means the world to me, but how could it make people so crazy? It's supposed to be fun, not evil. We're supposed to compete on the field, not off the field. They've taken this too far and I'm going to kill him. Whoever it is, I will find him and I will kill him."

"You don't mean that," she sniffles. "If you do that, you're just as bad as them."

"I don't care. They deserve it. How could they do this? How could they be so heartless?"

Kendall whispers, "God will punish them."

"I'm so sorry Kendall," I say, tears now forming in my eyes. "I said that I'd protect you. I said that I wouldn't let them get to you."

"It's not your fault."

"I failed you. I promised that I would keep you safe and I couldn't do that!"

I feel hot, salty tears rain down on to my skin from Kendall's eyes. Her breathing is rushed, sobbing.

We sit there, her curled up in my lap, me comforting her as she cries. She cries until she has no more fluids to cry out, and even then she doesn't stop. The sobs keep coming, but no tears come out.

"Why me?" Kendall asks repeatedly, and I ask myself the same question.

I cry too. I cry for her because she didn't deserve this. Nobody deserves this, but especially not Kendall. She is too kind to harm a fly, let alone a human being. What did she ever do? Sweet, funny, smart, beautiful, nice, caring, athletic, easy going, free-spirited Kendall. She did nothing to that boy, but he did everything to her. He took her feeling of safety from her, her faith in the goodness of others.

She will never be the same.