Chapter 2:
It’s been a month now. My life was subtle since he left just quiet, dull and shitty.
I miss him and it’s not that I got over him, I’m pretending I am and whenever I go in my room I just crumble back to my pathetic self.
I’m sick of myself. Tired of feeling exhausted by the world.
Slowly healed by time, space and work. I worked so hard to let go of him and lying trough my mouth seemed easier than lying to myself.
“I don’t even want to know him anymore.”
Lies.
I often find myself curling into a ball and weeping myself and my heart gets so heavy whenever I see myself. I remember those times when I woke up feeling like the most happiest person in the world and whenever I looked in the mirror it was as if I shone. I sound vain but it’s true my heart was just so full of love it was about to burst. I daydreamed about him every day, I couldn’t focus on anything but him and all I could talk about was him.
I was mesmerized and fucked. I knew myself once I learn to cling try and shoot or burn me I would still be clinging. It was as if my whole life depended on him one single slip and I would tear.
We were so fragile and now I’m just cold and I look like Whoopie Goldberg on the worst hangover. The reason I decided to write this down was, I tried going out everyday, I tried drinking, I tried lying and motivating myself, I tried giving myself a break, I tried singing, I tried cooking but nothing seemed to cure my broken heart and maybe just maybe writing would just work.
I used to write in the past. It’s been two years since I stopped writing I just couldn’t find my inspiration and getting broken and depressed is the only real thing I was ever good at so here I am.
Augusteum…
As you know as it is it was a building build by Octavian Augustus and it went through bullshit after bullshit but till now it simply stands there in Rome as proud as ever. Maybe it’s not in its best condition or maybe it’s lonely but that’s the point, that’s my story.
I grew up being lonely and I was so helpless I didn’t see the use of fighting it anymore... My friends were such big contributors to my healing process and they’ve been so gentle to me even so to the realisation that I can crack myself up and sob unintentionally. He broke up with me on the day of the speech...
I was assigned to do a speech about Love and it was going to be based on us and I wrote it from my heart. Which meant it was real but he broke up with me just an hour before the speech and I just broke down. My friends stayed back to comfort me it helped I didn’t want to be alone on this. Usually I could just pick myself right up and break down hours later but like I said, I tore.
I felt savage I just wanted everyone to fuck off I was praying and curling in a ball just bursting out praying that God would have pour mercy down on me, I felt like a dying helpless beggar.
Often I’d find myself alone in class just doing homework trying to let everything off my mind and people would come in and reassure me that everything’s going to be okay.
We met on 1 January 2012 and the day before was my birthday I walked along the city till the night poured down, alone. I was just so depressed nobody wanted celebrate my birthday with me. I called a few friends, obviously avoiding spending time with a lonely sad bitch. So I strolled along shopping, savouring myself with Tuna with mayonnaise and lime sauce with pearl tea and walking just figuring how sad I was right then.
It was at a wedding and he greeted me and gave me his number blah, blah and blah we got together. Love and hope were the only things we were living by. I lacked common sense and I knew it was not going to work. I just wanted to believe in it so badly I sunk in a lie so great it burned like a bitch at last. We went on one date he took me to dinner and we spent some time together cuddling in his hotel room.
I was certain he might rape me but he didn’t, he just stared at me and kept kissing me. I mean how can you deny this? Unless, you’re gay that is. I mentioned this and he said “My dear, I can’t and will not do anything to harm you. I hope you understand that I love you and I want to take care of you and not hurt you. I love you.” That was the exact god damn moment I finally let everything drop and just fell for his words. While driving me home we held hands so tight I could see his eyes and notice he was nearly in tears every time the red light was on he would lean over and kiss me, he even made stops for cuddling.
Because it was the last time we would be able to see each other he was going to be miles away from me and the only thing that we could depend on was Skype and my phone. Arriving there he still couldn’t let me go he stared at me and his eyes were so watery I felt guilty for leaving. He seemed like a poor desperate child in need of love which was opposite of his public image. Snobby and egoistic. We kissed and I left I couldn’t stop walking if I looked back I would just break down and run back to him which would make it harder for both of us.
At approximately 5:30am we were officially together and this time I was the one who asked him to be my love. I didn’t know if it was out of guilt or pure love. But now I didn’t even see the point anymore. It was over.
