Chapter 3:
I was lost now he left before I could even have the final showdown it was so sudden and I’m just in search of myself now.
I lost myself.
I evidently lost control of myself, my surroundings and emotions.
I’m a student at one of the finest college in town, Clark Universities and took a major in Law. Since I was in primary school I always wanted to be a lawyer, I never got much justice growing up so I mean like why not stand up for others?
Court is the only room where whether you want to or not, you are still lending your ears. I don’t have that many friends I mean like good ones... I’m pretty hard to open up too but if you ever need a friend to listen I’m your girl. I rather have a small group of trustworthy friends rather than backstabbing sluts giving me a headache. My daddy died when I was four and my mom never really favoured my dad’s family so I guess things turned into a wreck and I used to live with only my grandma and uncle. Well, my mum would give me money for school and stuff and I only go to visit her on holidays.
It’s a pretty much “Hi and Bye” relationship, I love her though of course she’s made a few mistakes and I am not going to reveal it here but people change.
So I pretty much had a lonely and taunting childhood. You see fear and loneliness is what I had to grow up with and learn to tolerate.
I do one mistake and they use fear on me I had gotten so used to it I practically always assume the worst in other words, pessimist. But for real thank you so much grandma for looking after me but the anger I kept for terrorising my childhood and threatening to abandon me, god bless you. I needed to execute the precisely perfect plan to fuck those people who judged me back then.
“Lilia your nothing, your future is already destroyed and just don’t put too much hope on it”
“Lilia you’re an illegitimate child nobody cares about you, you just bring trouble to my life”
“YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOUR FATHERS DEAD AND YOU’RE NO FUCKING USE TO ME… IF I KNEW YOU WERE THIS SHITTY ID JUST LEAVE YOU ROTTING DEAD IN THE FUCKING SEWAGE”
All the mean things that was directed to me, thank you. One fine day my darlings, one fine day. I know it sounds like I lived with mentally disturbed people and people tend to misunderstand me a lot. When you can’t understand me don’t expect to like me and I don’t really give a pigeon’s ass about it.
I just feel so mad. Mad at people, my so called “Family”, my friends, Franco and me. This is not your average book about heartbreak. Its anger, unsatisfied and false hopes. At the end everything vanishes. Just waiting for time…
Why’d you die on me like that daddy? Why? He was probably the only person who received pure love and care from me and never once did he even curse or lay a finger on me. I knew he loved me so dearly and he would cry if he saw what I turn out to be. Daddy I know you’re up there I hope you’re okay I’m sorry for the endless disappointment I cause you but one day I’ll turn out to be something. For you.
Healing needs devotion and a cause.
The water was so warm just what I needed and my Lux elegance body shower with that soothing smell it’s like a cheap therapist for my body and mind. I needed those little things that used to make my day now that he’s gone.
I’m trying to collect everything like every single bits of tiny little fragments of my heart just picking them up and trying to rejoice them with these little happiness. Maybe it doesn’t work entirely but I just needed it. I wore my beautiful cream coloured silk night dress with my hair tied French style and enjoyed myself with a glass of hot milk with napoleons.
“Today my dear Lilia you are spoiling yourself rotten” the thought crossed my mind waking up. So I took a bath clickity clack with some light blue denim jeans, white singlet and white floral flats and went down to the western restaurant and this came up:
Lamb casserole, Chicken covered with lime sauce, Fish fillings with tartar sauce, Tiramisu and a glass of Shirley’s temple (which was basically just cherry and sprite but it’s pretty). Seemed like too much for a lady to stuff but if I’m going to skip class today and feel guilty I might as well do it good. The meal was devilishly scrumptious.
I went to The Capitol and I found the most gorgeous and adorable dress ever. It was a long white body – fitting dress one sleeveless side and the other sleeve was completely made out of white floral laces, then purchased myself some skin coloured pumps with grey studded stilettos and had a Korean massage oh god good it was too good for words considering I will spend and spent a few weeks grieving lying down awkwardly like the girl in The Exorcist.
I was drenched with exhaustion even after the massage a stubborn back pain can be a bitch. I dropped my shopping bags in my car and took a walk on the streets. I admit it felt a little better going outside staying at my house drives me crazy and suicidal.
The fresh breeze of air and tiny bits of unpleasant smell which I’m pretty sure was a glorious blend of fart and engine smoke. People passing by old couples, foreigners, girls with muffin tops and small lady pants which obviously does not fit and reveals their camel toe. It’s funny how society are made out of people with peculiar clothing, acts and looks but entirely same little judgemental side. This is humanity I guess things come and go and people tend to criticise.
The Capitol was near the jetty which was owned by the Rotary and had restaurants and outdoor wedding halls where you could get the view of the ocean and I used to dream of my wedding with Franco here with the sunset or the cool starry and breezy night but I guess that will have to wait…
I stopped by the jetty for a break and I sat on the dock where you could see the island, ocean and the city especially in evenings gosh it was gorgeous. My heart felt light there like a whole big block of burden got removed from my shoulders I felt easy. I really loved Franco for a second there despite the obstacles I really truly did and maybe it’s just time to let go.
I was getting tired of being sad. You can only contain it for so long until you feel suicidal or depressed.
