He cupped my cheeks and rested his forehead against mine, our eyes closed, our noses touching each other and our breaths met at the tiny space between ours lips. It's tormenting to be this close to him before he leaves I should be happy because we're this near each other and that he chose to be with me before he leaves.
But I'm not and I'll never be because I know this has to end and at the end of this moment he will go away. He will leave me behind. My brain is filled with misery; heartaches, and scenarios I don't want to welcome inside me again. My heart is also a vault hiding those things even if they're supposed to be disposed.
My body is a locked giant treasure chest securing pain and agonies.
"I love you," he murmured and I froze. "Promise me you'll hold onto that."
It's amazing that I still get warm and surprised whenever he tells me he loves me. It's like those words formed an alarm clock that I didn't really set but still, it will ring taking me away from dreamland. His "I love you's" are my reminder that I don't need dreams anymore to wake up with a smile, because even when my eyes are wide open he can still make me happy.
"I love you and I promise to hold on to you, to us." I said forming my lips into a tiny smile.
He let go of me. I opened my eyes and saw him smiling like he won a prize in a game show. I felt like crying but we promised each other that we wouldn't shed a tear in this moment.
This is us, fond of promises.
"Bye." He told me and before I could even say goodbye to him he immediately turned his back at me and walked slowly towards the airplane.
And as the door closes, my tears run down my face.
I couldn't even look before he left.
I go home, and hope to ease pain but when I go into our house it only reminded me of him. When I lied in bed I smelled his sweet scent. I closed my eyes and I can see him smiling at me. It's only the first day and I'm going crazy. I wonder what will happen to me in two months.
Maybe you're asking why he has to move away for two months. Let me tell you, our relationship is not that kind of simple. We can't date publicly. We can't eat in a restaurant without being cornered by some paparazzi's. He can't say my name in public; he can't introduce me to his fans which remembered are millions; he can't skip his practices and I am not allowed to visit him.
Because he is an idol.
A member of a certain group claiming all the love in the world.
And we can never be free.
My name is not as big as his in the industry he chose to work. I'm just a commoner; a nobody. Im one of his fans and I consider myself as the luckiest. I never expected him to fall for me or even notice me because I'm just...this. I'm just a simple person loving him just like the others. I'm part of the majority but he found me exceptional. I still don't know why and he has no idea either. Love just struck us both real hard. So here I am his secret girlfriend. I know people who convinced him to leave our relationship as a secret are just trying to protect him and their idea unintentionally protects me too so I'm thankful.
But it's still hard trying to keep up with him; trying to keep up with his schedules, his rumors and all. But we aimed to survive so far we're doing great. Even though sometimes we keep on fighting about time management, but at the end of the day we'll both do things to make it up to each other.
The beauty of our relationship, my friend, is that we're both exerting efforts equal to make our relationship stronger.
But now another obstacle has come. He has to be gone for two months for a world tour. We promised to keep in touch through phone calls and e-mails. I know we'll make it...I just have to wait for two months. Simple, isn't it?
The song he recorded only for me is on repeat and I'm still lying on my bed completely lost in thoughts. I closed my eyes and I can see his smiling face. He's smiling and I swear he's brighter than the sun. But whatever, he'll always be my sunshine so that's understandable. I don't know why but all I want to do is close my eyes because that's the only thing I can do to see him. Two weeks have already passed. The first week of him being so far away from me was fine because we talked through phone calls. He told me about his tour and how great his fans are in every country that he was performing at. I'm happy because he is happy that finally he's traveling the world. You know his happiness will always be mine too. Every night he calls just to say "I love you" and " I miss you" and for me that's enough. I will always be content when it's from him.
But the second week got worse. He only texted me once or twice a day and they were really short ones. I told myself that that maybe he's tired and he needs to grab a rest so I didn't mind him calling. But I miss him badly and his voice so I tried calling buy he didn't answer. Although my heart aches a bit I pushed that thought away and smiled because I know after a few more weeks and a month he'll be standing again right in front of me; he'll tell me he missed me and he'll show me his vibrant smile once again.
I saw a paper on my desk; I felt butterflies playing thinking that it's a meadow down in my stomach. I smiled as I remember the first time we I saw him in person. I picked up the paper and made it into a paper plane. I smiled once again remembering his interview about his childhood. The fact is, he doesn't really know how to make a paper airplane so some of his play mates laughed at him and teased him by making perfect paper airplanes and tossing them into the air to fly. Some of his fans didn't really pay attention to that trivia but I did. When his group held a fan signing in our area what I did was give him a paper plane. I asked him to open it and when he did; he saw a step by step procedure on how to make a paper plane... made by me. He smiled and I swear out of all the pictures of him taken by his fans in my phone, that one was the brightest. He nearly forgot to sign my album but I reminded him so he did but then I never expected him to give me his number. I was so surprised back then but that is how our love story started.
I grabbed the paper that was once lying peacefully on desk and made it into a paper plane. I decided to do this every day and I will only stop when he's done with his tour.
I just needed to wait a little longer, yes.
One month has passed. I didn't expect myself to go to bed every night crying. I know I have to wait but we promised each other to keep in touch. But now I don't know what happened to us. No calls, no text messages from him. I don't know what to think anymore. Every night I'm trying to call him but his phone is always off. I e-mailed him from a dozen of messages but I didn't get anything from him. I'm starting to worry. Some rumors about him dating a model he met in a certain country keep on flying. I know I should trust him but us having no communication is not helping. Not at all.
I waited and I waited. I waited while making paper planes for him. Sometimes I caught myself crying while making paper planes. What if the rumors are true? What if he found someone better than me? Or what if he found the best? I sighed at all my thoughts. I need to think positive but how can I do that when all thoughts surrounding me are negative ones? I miss him so much it's killing me. I miss him so much but I can't do anything. I hate being like this but what can I do?
Wait.
That's the only thing I can do for now. So I did.
